boy with emotional problems

[AmyAsh]

Hello,

My 12 year old nephew has been exhibiting signs of oppositional defiance disorder for quite a few years now.  But now his poor behavior at school is is significant enough for the teacher to say that "his behavior is the worst I have ever seen in my 15 years of teaching"  He has been diagnosed with ADD, but I am not sure if it a true case of ADD since it just started to manifest itself in the past year.  I wonder if this is a symptom of the emotional problems he has due to not having a relationship with his father over the past couple of years?  He is a victim of parental alienation.  Is there a way to deal with this other than drugs?  Will drugs help, or just mask the problem?  





This discussion is related to Question over in Child Behaviro Forum.

[stacy197832]

Not having a father is considered TRAUMA to a child!  Part of being a mom is for her to understand she has to know whats best for her son even if he doesn't. As children they tend to bundle things up inside and never truly understand what is making them angry and they continue to grow up and think ok why DO i act the way I do but never have the answers.  I truly wish the best for you NEPHEW :) Please enforce being an active parent to his mother and let her know ow important it is to get a handle on this before he gets older and then there truly is nothing you can do.

[looloo141]

Hi, I have 3 step children, their Mum walked out on them 4 years ago to be with a man she had known 3 weeks. The middle child is 12 now, at the time of her leaving he was 8 and was being seen by paeds for suspected Adhd, this was confirmed and they also added ODD to the diagnosis.. we were told that the two disorders do go hand in hand, sometimes simply because these children are so demanding that the child and parents learn a certain way of dealing with the problems that it leads to the child learning to be extra defiant as parents are pushed beyond their limits. Now we are having more severe problems with my step daughter who is 9, she is more defiant than her brother but inattentiveness is also a problem. We know for a fact their mothers departure and her lack of commitment to them is a major factor. However after 4 very very difficult years I feel the children are slowly adapting. We have been offered various family therapies, parenting programmes, and my stepson continues with ritalin, they have never been offered any medication for ODD. We found that things were too up in the air for counselling, and so did the professionals, they said it wouldn't work until things were calmer all round. I'm sorry this doesn't seem much help, but what I'm saying is I understand how you feel, it hurts and is so frustrating when this is not your child but someone very close. We continue with strict boundaries, I am the strong one who makes sure discipline is seen through, my partner is the one who calms the situation and tries to ignore the small stuff. He is on anti d's and needs lots of support, but slowly it does get better. My mother told me to see the illness not the behaviour, easier said than done. The issues with your nephews father are paramount, maybe various professionals need to be involved to sort out whether his Dad is in his life or not, the instability of that situation will not help. At 12 years old he will be dealing with puberty aswell. I feel for you, I really do. I would try to encourage as many agencies as possible to work around this child, but at the same time he needs to see that he can change his behaviour too... hang in there.

[AmyAsh]

My nephew (not my son) has had no trauma, just a bitter mom who has alienated her son from his father.  His mother thinks her own father is a good replacement for his actual father.  My nephew will not even see his father, and in public places will not say "hi".  He is also a boy, not the same as a girl.  His mother does not force him to do anything.  He does not want to see his dad, he does not have to, he refuses therapy, so she won't take him.  But, she has no problem giving him drugs.  I like what you said about the medication is more for his mother than for him.  Interesting.  

[stacy197832]

ODD doesnt need medication, altho some doctors will precribe it. Me personally, I have a daughhter who was diagnosed with ODD. Now I will give you what I have learned about this, but do understand this is my opinion and the opinion of counselors and doctors here in my area, never just take someones advice without consulting with a physician. ODD or Oppositional Defiance Disorder is where at some point of a childs life they sufferred some dramatic change or happening in their life. It is a childs way of  handeling some sort of trauma. It definetely could have something to do with  the father not being in their life, but it could also be alot more than that. I would tell you behavioral counseling is the best treatment for this. Drugs may numb the pain but understand by getting to the root of the problem is the only way of  getting rid of the problem which causes him to act out. The medication will be for you more than him, meaning so you can handle him. my daughter was pu ton lexapro then changed to cymbalta, and it never worked. Finally one day we got with another doctor  who looked at me and goes, look medicine can only help if its chemical, alot if most traumas or within our heart and the only way we can stop feeling is by not having one. Children truly dont know how to act on their emotions in a ny other way and I promise you, without therapy, they wont go away . They will manifest and as an adult it will affect alot of the choices she makes in her life. She is now in therapy twice a week and they go to her school and family counseling at home as well. It has made a huge difference. I will be praying for you and your son, and please just dont ever give up on him, he is screaming for attention bcuz something is wrong, and its obvious you are al he has, so be strong as a woman and mother, love him unconditionally, and hang in there. Definetely find counseling for the both of you. Keep me posted and good luck!

[margypops]

It is good that you are questioning whether or not he has ADD so many haven't You may have hit the nail on the head when you say he hasn't had a relationship with his father in 2 years and it may be due to that,, is there any way you can help him to get that changed around,If he knew his Dad till he was 10 year old then not it must have an emotional affect.Is there any reason he hasn't seen him ?