concerned step mom

[Michigan mom]

I have a few concerns about my 6 year old step son.
Little background first...his mother and my husband have been apart since he was 2 1/2.  My husband has since than gotten him every weekend.
My first concern:  his eating habits.  He only weighs about 40 lbs.  Size 5 T's are to big in the waist but fit for lenght.  He eats nothing but mac and cheese, grilled cheese, cereal, P & J, and Mc Donalds basiclly.  He eats no veg or fruits.  His father and mother don't make him try anything.   My rule is that you have to try what every we are eating and I am not cooking to meals.  I have an 11 month old and she will have to try everything at least once.  When you ask him to try something he acts like it's going to kill him and carries on until his father doesn't make him try it.  He is always sick with a cold, he has no energy for a 6 years old and has dark circles under his eyes.  
My second concern:  His social skills/not having friends.   He is unable to entertain himself.   On weekends he never plays with any of his toys.  He only wants to watch T.V or play play station.  He doesn't know how to go in his room and get a toy and play with it by himself.  He won't go outside and play.   He told me he doesn't know what to play with or how to play.  If his father or myself will play with him than he his fine.  He walks around the house looking lost if he isn't playing his play station.  I try to get him to play with toys or go outside but it only lasts a couple of minutes.  We have an 11 month old that requires some of our attention so we can't always be doing something with him 24/7. She entertains herself better than he does.  She has since she could sit and play with toys.  Now she walks and is everywhere.
The second part of this, is he has no friends.  He has been going to the same school for 2 years now and has been going to same daycare since he was born.  He said no one at school likes him, they are mean to him and pick on him.  I could see that from just the way he acts around us.  He wines about every little thing.  His family babies him and treats him like he is 2 and sometimes he acts like that.  I tried telling him he needs to act like a big boy and toughin up.  I asked him why kids don't like him and he couldn't give me a reason.  I told him that he could invite a friend or two over our house on the weekend to go to park or have sleep over and he said he has no friends to invite.  He doesn't live in the area of his school but he is at grandma's house from 3:20 to around 5:45 everyday after until mom comes and gets him.  Which her house is near school and there is kids that go to his school in that sub.  
My last concern is they way he is with his father:  I dont' think he gets much attention at home from his mother.  But here is somethings that worries me.  When his father and I first started dating, I notices he followed his father everywhere.  He wanted to sit in bathroom with his father while he was going to bathroom or showering.  I stopped that.  Than he would sit in front of door to bathroom until his father was done.  I stopped that as well.  If his father gets up to go to kitchen, he follows him.  If he goes to the bedroom, he follows him.  If he is sitting on couch, he sits right on top of him not next to him.  If my husband is sitting in rocking chair my step son has to stand near rocking chair.  When his father goes out side to take trash out, he has to go outside with him.  Anywhere he goes he has to go.  Even if he gets off couch and just walks to kitchen table for something, my step son is right on top of him.  I know he lacks attention at home and I am not sure if this is a security thing or what.  But it makes it hard for me to sit there and watch him be attached to his father.  My husband was trying to rock our daughter to sleep and my step son wanted to be right on top of him next to rocking chair talking to him.   I know I shouldn't tell him this but I tell him to quit following his father and let him breath.  He isn't leaving him or going anywhere so he doesn't need to follow him everywhere.  To relax.   Please help.  I tried telling my husband that these things aren't normal and that I am worried about his son but my husband just thinks I am a mean step mom.

[Michigan mom]

Sorry I have a second posting.  Thought it was under ask a dr.

[RockRose]

I reading this,  Michigan Mom,  I think you're a mean step mom too.  : (   DId you read through this last detailed post after you wrote it?  You sound like you are following this child around trying to separate him from your husband all the time.

When I had babies,  my husband would rock them and have another child in the rocker too.  What's wrong with that?  That's how siblings act,  they like to be right there too.,   We have so many pictures of that,  a baby being rocked,  and a another child right there.  

What would happen if you took one whole weekend and didn't try to separate this child from his father even one time?  Maybe the boy would lighten up a little and respond to you better.

I also wonder at what point your husband will have had enough of you rejecting his son and entertain the thought of leaving with him.

[DinaGrimes]

I agree with RockRose.  I feel so sorry for your stepson.  If he is so lonely and wanting of attention, then I would go out of my way to make him feel wanted and spend time with him.  It sounds like you are the one constantly pushing him away.  

[Michigan mom]

I am not a mean step mother.   I am not trying to separate him from his father at all.  I feel it's just a little too much.   I have never seen a child completly stuck to their parent like that.  He can't even go to the bathroom in peace.  To me there is a problem when a child can't even let their parent go to the bathroom and the child having to sit in there with them.  He'll tell me he has to ask his father something.  I'll tell him he can wait until his father gets out or ask me.  What he needs to ask his father could wait until he gets out.  It will be for example if he can have something to drink.  He can ask me that.  That isn't that important where he can't wait until he gets out.  And to have to sit infront of door until he gets out.  There is something wrong with that.  
I know how siblings act.  I have a younger brother, have baby sat and worked in daycare when I was going to school.   It is the degree of him having to be right on top of his father at all times.  I let them do there thing on weekends.  He plays games with him, takes him outside to ride his bike, kick soccer ball around or even throw a baseball to each other.  They do things together all the time.  I don't mind that part of it.  It's just when he is in the house.   My husband will go into bathroom and my step son act like he is going to room just to see make sure his father is in bathroom.  We live in a two bedroom condo that is only 1056 sq. feet. everything is on one floor.  You can see the kitchen from living room and the bedrooms are split by bathroom.  He knows is father is in the bathroom why does if have to follow.  I think it's in insecurity thing.   My husband has to tell his son to get off of him several times.  So it's not just me.    

[Michigan mom]

I feel sorry that he doesn't get attention from his mother at home during the week.  I try going out of my way to do things with him and spend time with him.  In the mornings when he gets dropped off we have a good time.  But as soon as his father gets up he changes the way he acts and behaves.  He reverts back to walking around the house looking lost.   He'll wine when he talks and act like a 2 year old.  I feel very sorry for him and have pointed this out to my husband suggesting that we go to family counseling or something.  Do I don't show that I care above worring about his eating habits and not knowning how to socialize or not having friends.  I am very worried about this child and care.  

[RockRose]

Michigan Mom,  think about this for a moment.  

You have another baby on the way.  When this one is born,  and your husband is rocking the baby,  your own daughter will be trying to sit right there on his lap too.  When you're trying to change the baby,  your daughter will kind of be in the way where you have to walk around her to get the stuff you need,  and when you try to take a picture of the baby,  your daughter will quickly stick her head in the picture obscuring the baby.  

Will you feel the same way about her?  I really don't think so.  

He's a little lost boy!   He needs to feel included,  and your husband is probably feeling guilty and hurting,  and all the while you're criticizing this boy to him and saying he's abnormal.  

Both of them are hurting here,  your husband and his son.  If he were your own bio son,  you wouldn't refer to the time your husband spends with him as "I let them do there thing".  You let them?  If this were your boy,  you'd be pushing your husband outside to play with him and father him.  

As it is,  you view it as "letting" him play with his son.

I think you need to really sit,  and rethink how differently you view this boy than you would if he were yours,  and change your behavior to match how you'd act if he were your son.  

[Michigan mom]

It would be different if he was trying to sit in his lap while he rocked his sister but it's not that.  I know how siblings act.  
I will feel the same way with my bio children.  I don't want my children to have to be attached to me 24/7.  My 11 month old can entertain herself better than my step son can.  She doesn't need to follow us to the bathroom or be right by us 24/7.  
He is more than included when we have him.  I know my husband feels guilty.  He has told me that when we first started dating.  Because he won't discipline him at all.  He had no manners for a child his age.  My husband thought teaching a child to say thank you and your welcome was disciplining him.  Or telling him to cover his mouth when he coughs so he doesn't get other people sick.  
I meant when saying "letting him" I don't interfer or get in the way of them them doing things together like going outside and playing ball.  But when my daughter gets pushed aside on weekends, that I don't like.  He does nothing with her on weekends.  Plus we have another on the way.  How is that fair to the other two children.  It's not.  
I will and do treat my children the same way.   They will have to go play and do things by themselves and not be stuck to me like glue.  That is unheathy for a child.  My brother and I were never like that.  Yes my parents were together but they both worked 7 days a week and 16 hours days so we didn't see them that much.  We didn't have to follow and sit right on top of them at all times.  We had to go play with our toys, friends or byself.  

[koukla29]

" I know he lacks attention at home and I am not sure if this is a security thing or what.  But it makes it hard for me to sit there and watch him be attached to his father.  My husband was trying to rock our daughter to sleep and my step son wanted to be right on top of him next to rocking chair talking to him.   I know I shouldn't tell him this but I tell him to quit following his father and let him breath.  He isn't leaving him or going anywhere so he doesn't need to follow him everywhere.  To relax.   Please help.  I tried telling my husband that these things aren't normal and that I am worried about his son but my husband just thinks I am a mean step mom."

Why does it bother you so much, Michigan Mom?  Why are YOU the one "stopping" the behaviors of following dad around?  Do you realize this is why your step son feels uncomfortable with you?  Because he percieves you as trying to stop him from being close to dad?  Whether this is realistic or not isn't the point - the point is that he is 6 - too young to differentiate or understand your intentions for stopping his behavior.  This conversation and boundary has to come from his father only.

I think you need to take a good look at your focus here.  It isn't going to help you to focus so much on how "strange" this little boy is.  He is hurting and he does not feel secure in your household.  Could very well be that you have a baby and another one the way, and the fact that you are doing things to separate him from dad.  

By the way, children have very intuitive little minds.  They pick on your true feelings about them.  Regardless of how you act.  You step son is uncomfortable with you.  He knows you think he is odd and that you don't like the way he is.  This is something you should focus on: changing this message to I love you and I understand you.    

I think your intentions are good.  I think you are frustrated.  Take a deep breath, and figure out a better way to work with this kid because his issues with dad aren't going to magically dissapear.

[Michigan mom]

I am not trying to stop him from being with his father.  I don't think he is strange I think he is crying out for help and I want my husband to see it.  Is it fair my daughter gets pushed aside, no.  And we didn't have a child to separate him from his father. I have always wanted to have children of my own. I was told I couldn't have children when I was 20.  We had two miscarriages before my daughter.  We were done having children after her.  I was suppose to get a hysterectomy on the 4th of June (at 29 years old).  I was on the pill and got preg with the second one.  It wasn't planned.  To have you say us having another child is for me trying to separate him from his father is sad and hurtful.  
He wasn't uncomfortable at first and when it's the two of us it's different.  Like I said his behavior changes when it's all of us.  He reverts back to acting like a baby.  Even before our daughter came along.  He wines and looks lost.  

[RockRose]

MM - he whines and looks lost because he is lost.  : (    

We're all just voices on a bulletin board,  no one here know you or your family,  so I guess we're trying the best we can to understand and offer insight.

The most important thing,  here,  to me,  is your husband tells you to shut up when you express your concerns and tells you you are a mean step mom.

THAT would kill me,  if my husband said that,  and that would be enough to make me stop hurting him.

You say your daughter doesn't have her daddy on weekends,  well this boy doesn't have anyone all week long.    This is a sad,  painful situation of a child who isn't getting his needs met,  and a father who is trying his best (kind of,  I guess,  best would be to have married the mother of the boy and stuck with her).

Take next weekend,    and don't say one negative thing to this boy all weekend,  I bet you'd see an amazing turn around in your home,   and your husband would adore you for it.  Not one nag to eat food that disgusts him,  not one nag about go play somehwere far away,  not one nag about when are you going to pay attention to my children and not that boy,  and not one complaint about how things are different when it's just you vs. when dad is around.

Not one nag.  See what happens.

Best wishes.

[Michigan mom]

Plus you aren't seeing the issue that concerns me about not being able to play with his toys or having friends.  If he isn't attached to his father and him or I playing games with him or him playing play station he doesn't know what to do.  I think if he would learn how to play he won't be attached to my husband.  Even when we are around family and other children, he can't go play.  He has to be right on top of his father or the adults.  He has been around other children from school and daycare.   So it's not like he hasn't been exposed to children.  I just want him to be a well rounded child and have the opps to learn things/develope social skills and that.   He needs to learn to do these things or he will suffer as he gets older.  

[koukla29]

Please don't think I am attacking you, because that wasn't what I was doing at all.  I think you are in difficult situation and I really think you are right to be concerned about your step son.  I think it's hard to remember how children view their world, and it's a good thing to remind you that his perception may be very different and unrealistic.  I know you want him to be well rounded and connected to other children but given the way he is being raised I am not surprised he isn't.  He is in need of interventions.  

You have a right to your family, you have been through a lot, and from your posts you sound like an intelligent and caring human being.  I really hope that your family can get into family counseling.  We at this forum are here to support you.  I think your step son needs clinical help, and I wish to god that his father can eventually accept this.  Please keep us posted.  

    

[Michigan mom]

RockRose-my husband doesn't tell me to shut up or tell me I am a mean step mom.  He just doesn't see that his son is crying out that something is wrong.  
I understand that my step son doesn't have his father during the week but to be totally pushed aside is wrong to.  That isn't how you treat your children.  I don't expect him to spend equal time but at least show some attention to her.  I asked him to finish rocking her one night because I felt like I was going to get sick.   He told me to put her down on floor and she would be fine.  No is that right?  
I know he is trying his best but you can't be your childs best friend and not teach him things or see that he is crying out for attention and trying to get it the wrong way, like picking fights.  
We should be doing things as a family all four of us and we aren't.  We went to the fair and he took off with son and I was with our daughter.  We couldn't even stay together as a family.  That is the whole picture.  It should be the four of us/soon to be five but it's the two of them and the two of us-separated.  That isn't how it should be.  That isn't a family.  
I try to do what I think is right as a parent.  Teaching the rights and wrongs and giving them the backbone/structure to make them a better person.  
Koukla29-I know you aren't trying to attack me and trying to offer advise and see things from the outside.  I just want is best for the child and see that he is crying out and being neglected in someways.  I want my husband to realize that and see that there is something wrong with the way things are.  That we aren't a family, like I said above, that his son is doing the things he does for a reason-lacking attention and love.  And that we need to try to get him some help to understand things better as a child.
Both- I will be the same way with my two children and have been the same way with the children I have baby sat and watch at daycare.  I don't want my children not to be able to play byselves or with others.  To have to be attached to one of us at all times.  How important it is to have friends.  (which my husband doesn't see anything wrong with him not having friends or wanting to have friends over).  They need someone to build their backbone (lets say) so they can make it in the real world and be a well rounded person.  
I will teach my children what my parents taught me.  I use to think my parents were being mean, but as I got older I realized it wasn't there job to be my friend and why I had rules and things I had to do or couldn't do.  
That is you job as a parent besides to love and protect them.

[RockRose]

MM - actually,  you said both of those things in your post - you get told to "shut your mouth" when you bring up your opinion that his son is abnormal,  and you said he thinks you're a mean stepmom.

People who marry and create blended families so often have the dream that you have - that it will all work out,  but it very rarely does.    I have a sense (maybe totally wrong) that you're about to be divorced if you don't relent a little,  and settle for not perfect but peaceful,  rather than keep trying to make this what it isn't - a happy well adjusted family.  

Best wishes.

[Michigan mom]

My husband doesn't see that I am worried and that his son is crying out for attention.  He thinks I am just being mean to his son.   It's not that his son is abnormal it's the behavior he is displaying.  There is a reason for it and he needs to open his eyes and see it.  
I don't think that being in a blended family ting will work out and be great.  I would settle for things being peaceful but they aren't.  We aren't a family when it comes to the weekend regardless if nothing is said on my part.  And it's been like that from day one.  It's him and his son.  It needs to be the 4 of us soon to be 5.  No family is perfect, I know this.  I just want the best for my step son and our family.   Things need to be realized and possible therapy to make things easier for everyone.  I can't sit back and watch nothing being done with this child cries out for help, love and attention.  He needs help. Wether that's us showing him lots of love and attention-the right kind.  Not babing him or letting him cry to get what he wants.  But to show him it's ok, his father isn't going anywhere, I am not going anywhere and that we are a special family.   That his mother and father love him very much.  His father will always be his father and so will his mother.  He thought when we got married, his mother wasn't his mother anymore.  He didn't like the idea of a step-mother.  We had to explain to him what it meant.  He is confused and lost and my husband needs to see this to be able to help him.  If he doesn't see it than he won't help things get better.  I am not nagging just concerned.

[RockRose]

I forgot to add another thought - I really still think this boy could interact with a friend if you took the upper hand and invited a friend over for him,  for something really fun but quick.  It doesn't seem like he is able to go out in a crowd and connect,  and can't come up with kids he'd like to call over,  but I bet you could keep your eyes open in the neighborhood,  and call and ask the mom if their son could come over to go to the pool or something.  I  bet he'd do best one on one,  and I think he's not able to make the first move.

Best wishes.

[Agiesmom]

Yes, there's something wrong, Michigan Mom.  He doesn't have his dad with him full time--he's insecure and he has a step-mom who's trying to keep him from being near his dad (in his mind).  Add to that a new baby (which is a HUGE adjustment in a nuclear family, never mind adding the dynamics of a blended family) and there's yet another little person on the way to compete for his dad's attention.

Have some compassion.  Like RR said, stop nagging at him.  Let him sit outside the bathroom door.  Don't make him try food.  He doesn't go off and play alone because he's insecure--he wants his dad.  Encourage him to sit on your husband's lap while he rocks the baby.  Get another rocking chair and put it next to the other one and rock him while your husband's rocking the baby (and switch).

My sister's oldest was not happy when her second came along--he regressed because HE wanted to be the baby.  He heard everyone coo-ing, giggling, and gushing over the baby and he acted out to get attention--only to be told off.  Help him to find his place as big brother--praise him, hug him, love him, include him, encourage closeness with his dad, and quit nagging.

And you're adding to your husband's guilt by trying to make him push his son away.  You really need to back off.

You keep going on about how this child is "not normal".  This little boy is actually quite normal, given his situation.  Help him to find his place and feel secure and like he belongs.

[Wisconsin_StepMommy]

I think you're looking for the answer you want to hear and not listening to the right answers.  I myself am a step mom of a 5 year old boy.  Yes, he is very attached to his daddy.  We too have JD full time and he follows dad all around the house.  The answer here is to make special daddy time for him.  Your husband needs to set aside time for his little boy, just the two of them and not you hovering over them.  Let them go for a walk, or ride a bike or play frisbee outside together.  It's good for both of them.  Make him feel like a big brother.  Give him responsibilities with the baby.  Make him feel like he is part of the family and not an inconvienience that gets in the way.  You'd be surprised how much that alone will change everything else.  Kids are affected differently than adults.  The reason he may not have friends is because the only friend he wants right now is his daddy.  And if he feels that kind of relationship with daddy he may feel like he can have other relationships too.  You don't have to always be in control.  Let go.