death of a parent

[SHANNONZ]

I am in a fairly serious relationship w/ a wonderful man who's wife passed away suddenly a year and a half ago (reaction to medication). His boys (twins) are 4 years old. They are wonderful, bright and very inquisitive but they tend to cry out for her (especially when they're upset with him), frequently have trouble in the mornings- whiny, cranky, have nightmares, tend to be boisterous and rebel. When they are w/ relatives or myself (w/o dad), they are happy, and do not rebel but as soon as dad is around, they whine, act up and become more babyfied. We both have good support and our families are very affectionate and attentive to the boys, but I notice that they seem almost desparate for their father's attention at times- whether he's on the phone or talking to a neighbor. They know their mother "died" and is not coming back- I do not believe they understand the concept of death, however, they are very affectionate to me and sometimes say I'm their mommy. I explain that am not their real mommy, I am daddy's girlfriend but I love them very much and will be here for them. He says that when I'm not there (we do not live together), the boys ask to call me and love me so I know they're not really jealous of us. They like to curl up with us on the couch and hug me, so there's no perceived antimosity. Her pictures are around and I'm not opposed to him telling them stories about her. I am Catholic and their father is agnostic (he's more scientific about it). I've asked my uncle (a priest) for advice and he said that they should receive counseling and offered to do it for me. I mentioned counseling (Catholic or regular), but both he (and his mother) responded how much progress they've made from last year(apparently, they used to go ballastic if their father left them). So in thier mind, they agree that the boys may be a little insecure, but will be fine. I am very affectionate with them, but finding myself questioning why they act out when they're around dad. Dad gets mad and punishes them, but it's like they don't care and whine- it's a huge difference than when they're with me or family. So, I guess my questions are:
1. How do I convince him that they should talk to a professional or give me advice for this situation?
2. When things finalize with us, how do I deal with the permanency of me eing a full time "mom"- when I'll be there permanently?
3. After a year and a half, is their behavior normal for this situation or are they taking advantage of him?
4. How do I deal with them when they are demanding their father?
I know I've written a lot, but needed to give you the background as I cannot find any grief info about twins and loss of a parent. Please, please help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The fact that the children are twins is not particularly significant in relation to what should be done to help. Their reaction, while understandable, is not really normal under the circumstances. Sometimes it happens that after the loss of a parent children tend to decompensate when in the presence of the other parent because the threat of the loss of that parent is very scary. Essentially, while they do not actually think this out, they become insecure due to the fact that they have lived the reality of a parent going away. If it can happen with one, it could happen with the other. Another dynamic that sometimes appears is the children's prompting rejection - i.e., they act in a way that tests out the fear that they have. It's another version of the fear of losing the parent. Professional help is definitely in order. Perhaps an acceptable way to proceed with the notion of professional help is to seek a consultation and go from there. That is, arrange to meet with a pediatric mental health professional, without any prior determination how to proceed going forward. You'll want to discuss the situation and hear a recommendation. The children are very young, and they won't require (nor can they benefit from) much advanced notice if you and their father decide to marry (or live together). Not long before the change, let them know what will happen. If you tell them too far in advance it may create anxiety. Relative to demand for father, simply invoke reality - i.e., he may or may not be avaialable, depending on what is occurring. An example would be: "I know you want daddy, but he's talking to the neighbor now. What can you do until he's finished?" In this way, you place some responsibility, if you will, on the children to figure out a plan.