development progress

[lovingfthr]

My wife and I are getting divorced, we have a 9 month old son.  She wants to move 9 hours away to be closer to her family and take him with.  I want to see him as much as I can without harming his development as far as seperation anxiety, bond with mother, ect..  Would me taking him for 10-12 days in row be harmful to his development at this age?  How do I make sure he gets bond built with me as a father during these early years?

[RockRose]

Oh give me a break,  SS.  I fully believe men should see their children every day.

You're getting cranky on us here.  This is a question about moving a baby back and forth between different locations for 10 - 12 days at a time,  which in fact is NOT good for babies.  I support this guy,  and in fact think he should go to court for custody if you are paying attention.  

[SeriousSam]

DO NOT listen to people like Rock Rose because according to them, by the time they feel you should see your child, precedence would have established you have no right to do so.

[Brooke050870]

I am wondering if she can legally take the baby 9 hours away from where you are?  Have you talked to a lawyer yet?  For some reason, I have always been under the impression that one parent cannot simply take the children and move away from the other parent.    

[margypops]

I have known many Dads in my time and I never met one who wanted to spend a long time consistantly with a Baby , they will babysit and have play time but they dont like to have Babies there all the time, but once they get to the age where the child responds back in a physical way its all about Dad and he gets to play ball and do a lot with them, the bonding is there ,it seems to begin later, I have also known stay at home Dads and they are as good as the Moms at home, so it is a matter of the family life  and dynamics.the Moms who went to work felt very left out when the kids just wanted to be with Dad.

[RockRose]

I'm not quite sure what the legal custody thing is before the 1900's,  not quite sure where that will lead except my guess is,  in the rarer cases of divorce before the 1900's,  I wouldn't bet many divorced single dads raised babies by themselves.  Just my guess.

You're making the argument circular,  not me.  I'm saying hanging out with babies isn't something men choose to do typically - thus,  few men run day cares,  few men gather in groups to take care of each other's babies,  and it is so rare that a normal man wants to cuddle babies that the ones that do stick out.  

I don't know the stats on baby care daycare vs. home care,  but throughout the ages women have cared for babies,  not men.  Argue THAT.  (I know you will,  for some reason).

[SeriousSam]

Your argument is circular Men are treated like molesters because they do not do infant care but they don't do infant care because they are treated molesters?  Would you believe up until the early 1900's women never got custody of children?

Also primary care providers despite your illusions are daycares not mothers.

[RockRose]

SS,  I'm out in public all the time.    Dads tend to be great with kids,  but don't seem to interact as often with babies.

This is silly going back and forth with this,  you can believe whatever,  it's your choice,  but observation makes it obvious to me  that women do almost all the infant care.  

Why do you think men who spend a lot of time volunteering to help with babies are treated like child molesters?  Is it because it's really rare that normal men would opt to volunteer to help out by rocking crying babies?

All the best,  really SS,  it just feels like we live on different planets.

[SeriousSam]

Men who volunteer to do child care are treated like child molesters.

RE: Pattycake? different styles are not bad they are just different.  I have seen more fathers just doing things with their kids.  Try going to the food court of any mall and watch parents with kids etc..

[babygirl6152]

Why on earth can you two make a baby and not make the marriage work? Is it really that bad? You will be glued to each other thru this child for the next 30 years anyways on some level- Isn't the boy worth it?
Swallow hard- get couselling and be mature and raise that child together....

If you left her she has every right to move to Japan if she wants to- and take the boy with her and find a man to help her have a real family!
If she left you, maybe you could tell us why ? If she is a witch and self centered- and she left you- you need the baby-

Who knows maybe you are both self centered- but either way divorce and two homes SUXX

[RockRose]

I haven't seen that many single dads with a baby - but I've seen a LOT of single moms!  I've seen how dads parent in general,  and frankly,  they don't have all that much interest in playing patty cake and itsy bitsy spider as women do.  Honestly.

How many dads have you seen who tend to be better at parenting a baby than the woman,  considering both are normal caring,  mature people.  I'm trying to sift out mental illness or criminality and just go to basic gender differences.

I can't believe I'm arguing this.  It seems so obvious.  Why don't many men volunteer at the church nursery,  but they will certainly volunteer at the barbecue or pancake breakfast or lawn duty?  

[SeriousSam]

Really how many single fathers have you seen with a baby?  Look up the stats for deaths, injuries etc mothers vs. Fathers.  You have nothing really other than bias to support your supposition.

Most parents were not raised by stay at home moms anymore, nor does one sex receive specialized training over the other.

[RockRose]

In my experience,  that's what I think,  SS.  Babies need mommies.  It's great when  they both can be together and raise the baby together,  but I  think if you have to choose between a caring mother and a caring father,  men don't make as good a caretaker for the baby typically as the mother.  Then,  as the baby grows up the dad becomes irreplaceable.   Boys who don't have dads, or who have ineffective dads,  flounder so badly in their teen years.

[SeriousSam]

Please don't take the above comment wrong.  In the interest of being a kinder person I just wanted to say nothing personal and you will still alway occupy a dear spot in my heart

LOL  (And please don't threaten to cut my head off like that one crazy lady)  ROTFLMAO

[SeriousSam]

That is BS.  Why would babies need mothers more than dads?  If she is moving she is probably not a stay @ home mom and probably not breast feeding.  If that is the case the need is equal for either one.

[RockRose]

oops,  meant to say babies DON'T need dads as much as 8 year old boys do

[RockRose]

Taking him ONCE for 10 - 12 days probably won't harm him much,  but that also won't accomplish your goal of bonding.   Taking him often for that length of time will,  in fact,  make it hard for him to sustain bonds.  Babies are meant to be cared for by one or two constant caregivers,  in a constant environment.  Outings are great,  meeting new people is necessary,  but completely and totally switching environments and caregivers at his age is detrimental to his emotional growth.

What happened so quickly in your marriage that you went from wanting a  family to divorcing?  Can this be worked out?

I think you should move to where her extended family is.  He certainly needs his father as he gets older (babies need dads the way 8 year olds do) and extended family would also benefit him a lot if they are supportive.

[SeriousSam]

Go to court keep him in the state, or with you.  Your child will be in the daycare instead of with mom anyway and a fathers bond is just as or more important during the first three years for shaping a child.

I hate to say this but at this point you might as well take a scorched earth policy because that is what she is doing to you and your son..

And  No taking him for 10 or 12 days will not hurt him.  Though she apparently has no concern at all for your child as that bond goes in reverse.

[margypops]

not the Bay ,  Baby  sorry

[margypops]

I think it is a great thing for you to see your son as often as is possible but I do feel that at 9months it would cause the Bay some distress to have him away from her for that long, this is the age they seem to get some seperation anxiety,when he is older it would be fine .perhaps you can visit near to where they are going and stay somewhere for a long weekend ,communiocate with your wife you both have your childs welfare at heart so you must be able to work on coming up with some way you can both parent him.If it was possible for you and your work move closerr to him to live and see him every other week or even every week.Great that you both care ,good Luck