disrespectful teenager

I have a 14 year old son, who has been driving us crazy. He is disrespectful,disobedient, a big liar, rude,want to have control over everything,tries to get away with everything, because he thinks he can out smart anybody. When he was smaller he was an honor roll child and he still is very intelligent, but not getting the best grades anymore. He does not want to study for test and we always have to be on top of him to get his homework done. If he does not get his ways and ends up punish he throws a fit and goes to his room and start hitting and punching things. The other day we punished him because of his behavior and apparently the trophy broke his window, well that's his story because he is a liar and doesn't admit to his mistakes he say's that we are the problem not him. We don't know how to deal with him anymore and we also have to more childrens, one who is 12 and the baby who's 2 years old.I know he is not setting a good example for his brothers and neither are we because of the constant fighting and yelling in the house. Please help us giving us any advise I know it is a difficult age but we have tried to deal with him and he takes advantage of my husband and I ,because after everything he says he
is sorry for us to forgive him and then he forget and does it again.

[DustyL]

WELCOME TO THE TEENAGE YEARS!!!! Keep grounding. Choose your battles because some things come with natural consquiences such as bad grades = failing, Reward the good grades on an individual basis, reward improvement. If he were grounded and broke a window, I would clean it up and leave the window broken (or lacking glass all together) Nailing a board over it (as tacky as that is) he isn't getting your attention. Yelling, fighting, argueing, thats all attention. He knows whats going on and using it to his advantage. If he starts screaming Ignor him (and ask his siblings to as well) do not notice him again until he's calm down. Once he his... give him attention!! Don't dwell on things, kids his age no what they did wrong and sometimes dwelling on it only rubs salt in the wounds. Take away his favorites TV, Video Games, Phone, Bike w/e he likes.... one at a time and make sure before you take it away he knows the whats going to happen. For instance if supper time is espically hard for you with him. Tell him if you act out at supper you will be sent to your room without eating and your TV goes too! As soon as he acts out immediately send him to his room and take his TV away. you can do it with anything, just realize if the incident creates those natural consquiences i mentioned, try not to re-punish because he already got once. re-punishing will result him in being mad at you instead of learning his lesson. If your concerned with his "expamles" he's setting, while he's in one of those "moods" make sure the other children are not around. If you have to scold him, take him into a different room and try not to raise your voice. if he does, turn away and say outloud I am not talking to _______ while he is yelling at me. As soon as he stops turn back around and continue the conversation. Don't scold him for yelling. Just continue until he starts again and repeat. Also, keep in mind that at that age there going thru a lot, there body's changing, school's harder, friends are changing, allow for him to talk about what is going on in his life. Take time where it's just you your husband and him, go out of ice cream and talk about him!!!! Trust me... the more open your door is for converstaion the better things will be, maybe not for right this minute but when he's 16,17 and adult years!! Hope this helps Good Luck

[April2]

Gee, he sounds like a pretty normal teenager to me! :) Dontcha just love this age? I think 13-16 is about the worst time. I have two teenagers and I can tell you it does get better. I have a son who is 19 now and has really settled down. When he was 14, he was a real snot. He acted like we were the stupidest parents and didn't want to be around us. We had the door slamming and talking back too. The thing that worried me was he wouldn't act the least bit repentant. He would just have this simmering anger. I worried how he would turn out. Guess what? He's a great kid now! I saw a real maturity once he became a senior and he's even better now. He's calmed down a lot. He actually likes being with his parents now and comes to us and talks to us! Now when he sees me upset with his teenager sister, he will actually come up and give me a hug. He just told my husband and me something not too long ago. He said if he only had known when he was 14 what he knows now (at age 19), he wouldn't have fought us so much and would have realized that it wouldn't last! This is maturity!
Granted, your son should not be throwing things through the window and destroying things and should be punished accordingly. But please don't yell. You have to be the parent and set the example. You are trying to teach him to be self-controled, then you need to be self-controlled. Stay calm at all times. If you feel your own anger rising out of control, call a time out and talk to him once everyone's cooled off. Don't get into shouting matches with him. Not only does it not work, he's not listening anyway! Make a point of talking to him when he's in a good mood. What I do is go and sit on their bed's and ask them about their day and ask how's school, etc. I try to keep the communication lines open. They don't always want to talk or have anything to say, but I do try and watch to see if they look like there's something bothering them and gently try and get it out of them. Kids now days have so much to deal with. There's so much stress, not only with homework, teachers, etc., but also with their peers. Peer pressure is HUGE! Combine that with all the hormones that are going crazy right now with all the growing and changing that's going on in their bodies and you have a a mixture of intense, confusing, scary emotions that they don't know how to control. Their bodies are growing much faster than their brains. It's a known fact now that teenagers brains aren't fully developed until their in their mid twenties. The last part of the brain to develop is the frontal lobe, which is responsible for controlling impulses and decision making. This is why teenagers are so impulsive and can make some pretty dumb decisions sometimes! See, there's actually a reason for this! They aren't just trying to drive you crazy!
My son was very disorganized, always lost his homework or didn't do it, barely passed math in high school (although he's very bright) and let some of his peers influence him. He's now in his second year in college, is still very bright, very well read, very personable, and has turned into a compassionate, thoughtful young man.
Remember, if you want your child to turn out a certain way, the best thing to do is set a good example. Keep talking to him. Keep the rules and boundaries consistant. He will test you and rebell. Stay strong. Stay firm but loving. He will come around and learn to appreciate his parents.

Now, talk to me again in a few years when my daughter is older! :) She's the one now really testing us! Last year was the worst when she was 14. She's doing better now, but still is stubborn and strong willed. I try and remember that these type children make good leaders as long as we can steer them right! My daughter has lied to us too and was caught. I try and stay calm and tell her that I don't lie to her and that when she lies it makes us not trust her and therefore we can't let her out of our sight if we can't trust her. I tell her that if she's honest with us that she'll get into less trouble. But if she lies she will get in much more trouble. Try to not label your child. Don't call him a liar. Don't tell him he's a bad kids. It's his behavior you want to focus on and turn around. He's a kid who has lied. He's a kid who's made bad choices. Do you see the difference there? Keep your focus on the behavior.
And even if it's hard for you to find something good to say about him, give it a try. Every day, find at least one good thing to say to him. If he fed the dog without asking, if he was kind to his younger sibling, if he used good manners, praise him. Thank him. Don't overdo it. Don't gush all over him. Just quietly thank him and tell him you appreciate what he's done. Make it sincere. Kids know when you are fake or lying. Remind him that you know he's a good kid. Tell him some of the things that you admire in him. Is he a good artist? A good athlete? Find something to focus on that's good and postive. The more you do this, the more you will see him wanting to be good and wanting to please you. They will never admit it, but kids really do want to please their parents, and if they feel like they can never please their parents, they will give up and not try. Please give all these a try. Nobody said it's easy raising a teen, but it can be rewarding when they're grown if you can just hang in there! And know you're not alone! We parents have to stick together! Best wishes to you and God bless.

[waitingwithhope]

One thing that I read post that was different from just normal teenager behavior is that you feel like he already is a liar, rude, dishonest, etc. I will be honest--as soon as you have that label on him, even if you don't out and out tell him you feel that way, he will live up to that label.  The fact he is also punching, throwing and kicking things also is an indication of a lot of bottled up anger which does pose a risk to you, your house, your other children, your hubby, etc. as he gets even more stronger as he gets older. I also noted that you said that there is a lot of yelling, etc. within the household. Usually children who yell have had it modeled somewhere--maybe it was by you and your husband out of pure frustration, maybe there is a significant other person in his life who yells, but he has had it modeled. Is it possible that he has a step-parent in his life who models this or that he has a biological parent that acts differently if he visits them? (sometimes these problems stem from other parents within the child's life).

Also, more you yell, the more he gets the idea that a) it is fine to yell--that obviously that is a way to solve a dispute b) that in yelling, he is getting a reaction out of you--even if it is more yelling back. You are feeding this fire each time you react and yell.
He is desperate for your attention. Kids don't act this way unless deep down they are upset, angry and hurt. Chances are he feels very vulnerable. I would address this with him when he is calm and I would also make it clear to him that in the future, no matter what happens, he will get a calm and clearly defined reaction--he needs to be able to predict the consequences each and every time. If you cave one time, he is going to try to do that again.
His behavior is "working" for him or otherwise he would try another tactic. He also feels justified in acting this way because he is so upset, so hurt and so angry.
Sit down with him and outline very clear boundaries, limits and consequences. Allow him to be part of the process in choosing future consequences for actions--he has to own his behavior. As well, put in a rewards system. It can't be all negative. Let him know that there are rewards for chores done, good behavior, etc. And, EVERY chance you have, praise his good behavior. What you want to do is reinforce the idea that good behavior will be rewarded.
Let him know too that you think he is terrific (even if deep down you are cringing over the way he is acting). Make it very clear that while you do not accept or like his behavior, you LOVE HIM. He has to know there is a clear distinction between the two.
And, choose your battles. Remember, not everything is worth having a fight about. Let him choose things in his life that are "safe" choices that have really little or no bearing on you--for example: his clothes, his room colours, etc. Invite his friends over too---encourage that. Remember, he is also a teenager stuck with feeling lost with a baby in the house plus a 12 year old that I bet acts really well (he is probably angry that he is being compared to the others that are sweet and loving and he feels like the black sheep). Let him know that being different is O.K. and that being a teenager is full of challenges but good things too--more independence can come as a reward too for good behavior.
If you don't trust him and he knows it, he will play right into your image of him and do less trustworthy things--he has nothing to live up to and no reason to do that.
I have four boys--two teenagers and one will be a teenager next year (so I'll have three going through the hormones!:) They have never yelled at me or thrown things or been very disrespectful but they have felt safe to voice their opinion and they have been upset at their boundaries from time to time but deep down they crave the security of knowing the consequences, knowing there are boundaries in place and knowing that my reaction will be the same each time.
I hope that helps.
P.S. Is there any chance he could be involved with other friends who are "experimenting" with drugs? Sometimes this is over looked because you'd think a bad kid would be the one into drugs, but sometimes it is just a kid who is lost and gave into peer pressure and needs an escape that gets hooked. I would keep my eyes open too for any sort of changes that might indicate this...just in case (probably not the case, but keep in mind that a lot of teenagers do experiment with things and get in way over their head).

[zeny]

I JUST WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR WRITING BACK. I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE ADVICE IN HELPING ME WITH MY SON. I UNDERSTAND THIS IS JUST A STAGE HE IS GOING THRU, BECAUSE HE CAN REALLY BE NICE WHEN WANTS TO. THANKS ONCE AGAIN AND I AM GOING TO TAKE EVERYTHING IN CONSIDERATION BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP IN YOUR CHILD. THEY ARE OUR BELOVED TREASURE AND A TRUE BLESSING. GOD BLESS EVERYONE AND GOOD LUCK!