divorce stress on a 2 year old

Dad and I were divorced when my daughter was 3 months old.  Dad was not interested in much of a realtionship with our daughter, and did not object when we moved home to my parents until recently.  Our daughter has just turned 2.  NOw dad wants to visit every weekend.  I have opened up my home, and go stay with my parents so that our daughter does not have to travel 6 or more hours and stay in an unfamiliar envorionment.  Dad thinks that this inhibits his'bonding' with our daughter.  I have two concerns: one, that traveling that distance is not something that she will enjoy or that the bonding will be any different.  My second conern is that dad visiting every weekend is very diruptive to her (and my) lives and schedules.  It seems to be puttiing too much stress on her, after time with her dad (unless it's just a few hours) she is mean, hits, doesn't sleep, she developes a panic attacks when I try to leave her in nursery, or with her grandpa (who babysits) or even when I try to use the restroom, or take a shower.  The extream behaviors decline after about 3 days.  However, I am concerned.  I need a proffesionals opionion!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Trish,

I'll try to be direct and to the point. Your daughter, at age two, absolutely should not travel to her father's home. It is not at all practical, but more importantly it assumes an already-close relationship, which does not exist. It's not reasonable for your daughter's father to absent himslf from her life for two years and then come and expect such access to her.

He is already having entirely too much contact with your daughter. For her world to be turned upside down every week is not good. You can see this from her post-visit response. This practice is causing her to be very unstable, and who would be surprised? Remember, her father is, from her point of view, not much more than a stranger. A couple or few hours each weekend would be perfectly reasonable at this point.

[Debby289]

A related discussion, 2 year old+seperation+acting up was started.