effect of Seperation on 1 year old

[clintooi]

I have a problem. I moved from Washington state to Ohio to be with a women and we had a child. After it became obvious that we would not be able to function as a family we decided to seperate. This has been difficult because I would like to have our son benefit from the love and nutruing of both our respective families. So I would like to move back to Washington and share custody and have our son live with me for two months and his mother for two months alternating. I feel like this could be very good for him because he would get to experience to different parts of the country and two families that love him very much. I am worried that this could be harmful for him because I am not a child development expert and might not realize the negative effects this could have on him. His mother does have a 5 year old son from a previos marriage so he would be leaving his brother to while he was with me. Can you give us some advice or point us in a derection to see if this is whats best for the child thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are correct in your suspicion that this might not be such a good idea. We are learning that joint custody arrangements whereby children essentially have two homes are not productive arrangements. In general, children should have a principal residence, where they live the vast majority of the time, and have some arrangement to be with their other parent on a predictable basis.

[clintooi]

Is there not a trade off. If that child is bound to one place doesnt he miss out on all the other place and family has to offer? How much time is too much time away from his "home"?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There is not a universal answer to this. Factors to consider are the age of the child, the nature of the relationships with the parents, the quality of the relationship between the parents themselves, the emotional maturity of the child, etc. For a one-year-old, time away from the major custodial parent should not be much (e.g., a day or so). If there is frequent interruption in relationships, the child's development is actually hindered. And you can imagine the dislocation in regards to school, peer relationships, organized activities, etc. that would occur as a child gets older.

[denhamspringsla]

Dear Clintooi:  I plead to your patience.  Example:  My 11 month old father (we had separated and he had even deny paternity) was granted immediate weekend-long vistation.  While it sounds as if you would provide a much more loving atmosphere than my son received I cannot expound enough the determent this separation from everything/everyone this small human sufferred through will affect him throughout life.  The behavorial effects are vast on everyone is haunting, harmful and do not "go away".  I beg you to give this time in the way of spending small sections of time away from the only home/environment the small child has known.  This gives the child a chance to trust in you thereby promoting love and affection.  Growing, in time as the child matures and his brain can emotionally adjust, to more extended times away.  Trust in me, other than this approach, the child will remember only horror associated with you specifically and will grow with no true affection towards you.  I do, however, support the apparent care and wish for involvement in the responsible adult your child will surely become.  Denise