excessive crying in a one year old

I am a teacher at a daycare and I have a one year old little boy who cries constantly. The only time he doesn't cry is when he is being held in standing position. sitting with him, comforting him will not work. He has been in daycare for a few months and this is still continuing. His mother is bipolar and doesn't have a connection with him and his dad picks him up in the evening. Is there something wrong??? I first thought it was separation anxiety but shouldn't this have improved by now because I comfort him alot.He will watch for you to come close to him and will cry if you pass him by. He will throw himself on the floor also. I had a specialist working with another child and she said he should be checked out but she only saw him for a few minutes. I once thought there was something severly wrong with him untill I watched closer and he would watch you then cry if you got futher away from him. He will also follow you around the room crying. please tell me where to look or research for answers. we use birth to three alot but I like to try a plan in action first to see if it helps....any advise would be great

[tiredbuthappy]

years back i was a toddler teacher, and a little girl who was 2 would cry from the moment she was dropped off until she went home. she would stop briefly to eat (she LOVED to eat), and if we were lucky we got her to sleep for 30 minutes (the rest of the kids slept for 2 hours). she did this for about 5 months and then one day just stopped. she was just very sad about being away from mom. she is now a very bright, well ajusted 6 year old. Another little girl started at 1 1/2, and did the same thing you described for about 4 months. she also stopped crying and a year later is thriving in a daycare setting. I was also a substitute for a summer in a older infant room. a little boy started around his first birthday. he also did the same exactt thing, and he too stopped after several months.
it sounds to me like he is very insecure (especially the way you describe how he watches where you are and gets upset when you move away from him). i know how frustrating it can be, because you can't give one child your constant attention when there are others to care for. your description of his family life reinforces my thought that it is just separation anxiety and insecurity. (of course, i am basing this simply on the few details you can provide, and on my own experiences. but i would give him a bit more time before you get too worried. in the mean time, try to work with the family to find ways to help him feel more comfortable- make sure you have familiar stories from home, favorite bears, favorite movies, etc...)

[mjx]

i would refer you to http://www.besthealthoptions.com . it gives you lots of info about baby and child care. Check it out yourself coz it helped me a lot.

[CHeimes]

It sounds to me like attachment/anxiety disorder... (Mother bipolar, father probably not there very often)...

The poor child... he needs alot of love and comfort.  He craves it and doesn't get it from home (assuming).

Be patient w/ him... I know it's hard to see him constantly crying for attention & affection... but just remember... his home life is hard.
Put yourself in his shoes for one day... how would you behave?

LOVE is a very powerful thing... sounds to me like he needs that!

Best of luck!

[youngnump]

i say the child is spoiled i have a one year old now and he i wasnt around him for about a month. His mother spoiled him and so did my aunt and my grandmother. When we got back together he was terribly spoiled. Doing everything that you just explained. (crying behind you, falling out, screaming, and wanting to be carried). I just popped his legs everytime he did it and told him to stop it and be quiet because he knows what that means. In about a week he was broken out of it. If he looks like he want to wine not cry i give him a look or tell him stop it and he straightens up and get back to playing or whatever he was doing.
hint: (crying and wining are too very different things. If your child wines and you allow it, he/she will drive you crazy and just continue to do it until you realize. You have to take control and let your child know that wining is not going to get them what they want).

[Wraith24]

Did you seriously do this to a one year old baby?  If so then shame on you. That child is not going to love you,but fear you.

[maddhalo]

Does any one remember Dr.Spock,,,His kid is dead now.
I agree with youngnump 100%,because I lived through
a similar issue in my family,I responded similarly,and
shockingly enough,,got a similar response from my daughter
she is 3 now,and loves me very much,but knows not to test
limits with me,,,she gives her mom all kinds of hell unless
I step in,,Spare the rod and spoil the child.
   Oh,by the way,I have worked in mental health for 16 years
and with children and adolescents for 10 years.

[margypops]

Nothing wrong with' spoiling' children they thrive on loving care , experts agree that hitting a child does nothing, and the child goes on and copies it at school /with others if you teach them how to behave thats what they will do..

[specialmom]

I agree wholeheartedly with margypops.  I too worked in the mental health field for many years----- and yet believe very differently than you.  Your child does obey you because he or she is afraid to do otherwise----- far different than respecting you.   My children behave for me because I've taught them not popped them.  People are allowed to have different opinions on this subject----  but I dealt with many adults with parents like you in my clinical practice.  Good luck.

[Citizen01]

To spare the rod is to spoil the child.   I agree but let me break it down for you.   If you do this out of anger then the child will fear you, if you use this mearly as a phycological shock to grab thier attention then there is no harm as long as it is absolutely nesseccary. When reason and logical explanation with example fails then responsible punishment will not fail. sorry if my english is bad.

[goodparenting]

It's interesting that the only two people that got results were the ones who actually disciplined their children and everyone who disagreed presented no solutions with results, except "it will pass," basically. The one year old I babysit has this same problem and they don't pay me enough to wait 5 months or whatever it may be for him to get over it. I'd rather tell his parents my discovery and encourage them to resolve this problem (you pop him so I don't have to!). If it was my child I wouldn't be here because my child gets spankins. The last 40 years has been the age of "spoil your child all his life and he'll have good self-esteem" nonsense... more like "set your kid up for failure and disappointment when they don't get their way." Spank your kids and you'll save them from death; that's reality. Pain = Important boundary that child needs to survive in life.

[specialmom]

My kids are really well behaved and have never been spanked.  To each their own but it is not necessary to spank in order to teach your children.  Good luck

[mommyofone993]

Dr spock's kids micheal  and john are both alive. the rumor that his son commited suicide stems from the fact that his GRANDSON peter killed himself at the age of 22, but he suffered from schitzophrenia not bad parenting

[specialmom]

What is a little frightening to me are the "babysitters" here that speak of popping kids.  Yikes.  Young childhood education and the psychology behind it has nothing to do with popping.  Most accredited universities instruct in other more effective methods than the popping one.  I'd only leave my kids with those educated in understanding children and helping them learn.  Besides having formal education,  I'd also look for someone that had some patience and could command respect without using their hand to smack.  At home daycare can be a little scary because it can be just anyone who tries to make a buck and has no business spending their day with kids.    

[Sumanadevii]

He is smarter than you think.  I would tap him gently on the lips with my index finger and say gently..."Hush now".  Try it a few times then get busy doing something else.  He may just be looking for reassurance.  Given that a few times an hour, soon he will get the picture that is what his crying brings...a gentle tap and a hush now.

[cadsma]

everyone that says it will pass obviously doesnt understand how awful this situation actually is. frankly, some children need a good "pop" as "so and so" said. if you dont agree with what some parents do, just remember that all parents do things differently. to suggest for a second, that someones child will  kill them self because the get a spanking, shame on you. get over yourself, your not a child phycologist so quit acting like it. my daughter cries day in and day out. no matter what i do she cries. unless shes eating. my mother in law have tried activities, "popping", ignoring her, giving her a pacifier, and recently we have set a play pin up to place her in when she begins to cry, and when she stops take her back out. i'm at my wits end!!!!!

[VIRoach]

My daughter 18 months started crying non-stop a month ago.  Same situation as many of yours; following me around, crying for what seems to be no reason, whining constantly and it drives my husband, our son, my mother and myself nuts!!!  As I am typing this she is crying beside me.  If I pick her up she fusses to go down and if I leave her down she fusses to come up.  What she really wants is for me to stand up and hold her and I can't do that for more than a few minutes realistically.  When she starts these tantrums which seem to escalate throughout the day, I give her a verbal warning which does nothing, she then gets a slap on her wrist which hurts her feelings more than her hand, and if this fails it's into the playpen (no toys) for a timeout.  This usually works but to be honest it's only moments from the next tantrum.  I sincerely believe that she will grow out of this stage.  I've had her checked by our pediatrician so I know nothing is really wrong with her.  She is pushing the boundaries and I believe that sometimes she is understimulated.  I intend to start her at a day care for three days a week next week in order to socialize her and I hope that it also somehow teaches her to appreciate home as our sanctuary.  She's a lovely child (or at least she was) and I believe it will pass but I will not be spoiling my children.  Good Luck!!!

[specialmom]

There are different parenting techniques and discipline styles and every parent has to find what works for them.  It has been my experience that other methods work better than "popping" but to each their own. Many kids that are handled roughly either become submissive with a lot of rage inside that comes out later in life or aggressive themselves.  For me, I just found it didn't work to say "don't hit so I will hit you."  Kind of a mixed message.  I attempted to instill respect in my children without having to take a physical route to do it.  
But this was a post from a child care provider.  That is different than a parent's rights to parent as they please.  The lack of true knowledge on toddler / child development worries me in that enviroment.  

[yupthatoneismine]

recommend coming down to a crouch and telling them I'm busy play with this, then walk away.  continue from activity to activity smiling and being pleasant to everyone else and the second he/she finds a toy or ball a distraction sit beside them on the floor - don't offer a hug, just attention for a minute or two like "wow what a nice ball" etc...teaching the child by reinforcing correct behaviour and ignoring the bad, kids pick up on your moods so don't get mad - keep smiling, and avoid eye contact until child shows interest in something else.  If keeps following you and crying, simply put him or her back gently in the area where you left her give her same toy and leave again while still not speaking or making eye contact.  Find times in the day where she is not crying to give her love like when she's eating or doing something that makes her happy - this builds trust while enforcing discipline.

furthermore, the biblical translation of a "rod" to not spare else the child be spoiled literally refers to a tool used to teach and guide not to hit - discipline means to teach not to punish, there is a difference....spare the teaching/discipline and the child will be ruined!

In using this remember your natural instinct is to ignore the child when she is happy (you say to yourself "finally, no crying") and immediately rush to get something done when you should really use that moment where she is making herself happy to teach her that that is a correct behaviour by giving that attention she craves - all kids crave attention some crave more, some learn they only receive attention when they are awful and bad, angry attention is good enough for kids!

hope I said enough and gave some solutions - it won't be easy but it will work - best of luck all!

[yupthatoneismine]

recommend coming down to a crouch and telling them I'm busy play with this, then walk away.  continue from activity to activity smiling and being pleasant to everyone else and the second he/she finds a toy or ball a distraction sit beside them on the floor - don't offer a hug, just attention for a minute or two like "wow what a nice ball" etc...teaching the child by reinforcing correct behaviour and ignoring the bad, kids pick up on your moods so don't get mad - keep smiling, and avoid eye contact until child shows interest in something else.  If keeps following you and crying, simply put him or her back gently in the area where you left her give her same toy and leave again while still not speaking or making eye contact.  Find times in the day where she is not crying to give her love like when she's eating or doing something that makes her happy - this builds trust while enforcing discipline.

furthermore, the biblical translation of a "rod" to not spare else the child be spoiled literally refers to a tool used to teach and guide not to hit - discipline means to teach not to punish, there is a difference....spare the teaching/discipline and the child will be ruined!

In using this remember your natural instinct is to ignore the child when she is happy (you say to yourself "finally, no crying") and immediately rush to get something done when you should really use that moment where she is making herself happy to teach her that that is a correct behaviour by giving that attention she craves - all kids crave attention some crave more, some learn they only receive attention when they are awful and bad, angry attention is good enough for kids!

hope I said enough and gave some solutions - it won't be easy but it will work - best of luck all!

[twinnwinn]

I really dont know what to do i have a one year old and i try to show and give him all the love and attention he needs and he still acts out and cry non stop i dnt know what to do i dont pop him for everything cause i know he dont yet understand yet what should i do that really works

[fishnets]

Oh, pupsteacher, I feel your pain, I am in the EXACT same situation, But this child has been in my care for 7 months, part-time and in 30 yearss i hav NEVER seen/heard so much crying, I cannot walk out the room, attend to another child, her sleep may last 20 mins, SHE is EXHAUSTED, and fights and fights sleep, it's like she drops off and jolts awake in a panic ... I have read, I have researched, and here I am, looking AGAIN!!! I'm an independent home care, and even with the "extra" attention I can and do give her, it is VERY difficult! She has her own sleep room (mine) it's soothing, I play peaceful mood sounds, I use lavender and bergamont to help to try to relax her .... I'm at my wits, I have suggested that parents speak with their doc, of course they get, she will grow out of it, in the meantime, I get her from the minute i open to the minute i close 2/3 days a week ...... She is a beautiful little girl, and it breaks my heart and I am frustrated that I cannot find any direction to help ease her pain (and mine) people say,, you have to let her go, but that's the easy way out? but this has been MONTHS!!! I have tried EVERYTHING!!!!

[margypops]

In my opinion this little child is missing her mom and Dad and she should be at home with them this is a sad story , she will have anxiety for a long time , if this was me you should speak to the parents and have them fix their schedule and put their child first ..

[adgal]

I just read through some of this and it also concerns me that a care provider would consider hitting a child.  I am just transitioning my son into daycare 3 days a week, and he too is going through some serious seperation anxiety.  It is improving, here is what I have been doing.  Prior to him starting I attended the daycare with him and we would spend several hours there playing together, with the caregivers and other children.  I would leave for 15 mintues, then 1/2 hour, finally an hour.  He learned that mommy leaves, but she comes back. Once he actually started for the day, for the first week I dropped in on my lunch hour.  This seemed to help reassure him that I was always going to be there.  We transitioned him slowly.  Now, he does cry when I drop him off for a few minutes, but the care providers assure me it stops in a few minutes...basically when I am out of site.  He has been out of care for 2 weeks due to being sick, but I will do the same thing when he returns, especially on lunch.  I like to go in and feed him his lunch, and I know in my heart he finds it very reassuring.  Can you imagine how scary it must be for them?  All of a sudden mommy isn't there...they are too young to understand.

I also have to say that if a caregiver ever "popped" my child, there would be you know what to pay.  I would charge them, I seriously would.  

[adgal]

And as for the spoiling...how can you spoil a baby?  I try to imagine it...a child only 1 year in this world and all the new and scary things he/she sees.  New people and faces, new experiences..everything is for the first time.  To me it seems natural that my son clings to me at times.  But I can tell you this..whenever he needs me to pick him up (and yes, he has had those all day whiney times where he won't let me put him down for a second), I do. I hold him and just figure out a way to get things done while carrying him.  Well, he is the most social child as a result.  I am not a Dr., but to me it just makes sense.  When the child feels secure that mommy/daddy are always there for them, they are brave enough to try new experiences and go to new people.  Because they know their "rock" is there for them.  We are the center of these babies worlds...everything for them is about us.  We are the single consistant in their lives.  If we don't give them what they need, which is cuddling and love..who will?  It makes for a more secure child, at least I think so.

[margypops]

I have a problem with this idea that its just 'poppin' just' 'spanking' actually you are hitting your own child and teaching them its okay to do it to others, whether it be a 'friend' at school a teacher, or your wife or child when he /she is an adult thats what they will do, because you taught them its okay ............

[adgal]

You and I may not agree on everything, but I am with you here.  I too believe that you cannot hit, then say it';s not ok to hit.  When I am upset with my husband I don't hit him, nor he me.  That would be considered abuse.  I just don't believe that hitting is the way to teach our kids anything except fear, anger and that hitting is an acceptable solution to a problem.  Just my opinion though.

[margypops]

hahah as an off side, we only don't agree about politics ....I think what happens is that parents lose control ,and that is the crux  of the matter, if they tried not to get to that point of disconnect with their children ,and anger takes over, confrontation begins ,then is the time to stop and distract themselves and their children ...

[specialmom]

I'm going to jump on the band wagon.  I've actually seen posts from people here at med help that say "popping", spanking or whatever you call it is a great way to discipline and then in another post will say "what should I do?  My 3 year old is hitting other kids."  Well, duh.  What a mixed message to send to our kids.  

[margypops]

well I have been helping on this forum for as long as I have been here ..3 years and most do not seem to like hitting children   .I do agree that mixed messages are a real problem ..

[sincere2k10]

i have a 20mth old little girl and i cant get her to stop crying. The only person she wants is me, regardless if someonne else is holding her she would fight and cry as soon as she sees me. i go to put her down or in the playpen and she screams an cry like somethings wrong. So i realized that when i went to pick her back up she was ok and stopped fusing.  i even try putting her down to walk and she doesnt want to walk. and if she does she will play for 5mins and try to come and climb on me. i tried ignoring her closing the door behind me and she get louderm  i dont spoil her. but I also dont know what to do!!! i have had her check out by our pediatrician and they say it will pass but she driving me nut with all the screaming and crying and all she want to do is be held, someone please help or have some positive advise and i do believe in popping

[specialmom]

Well, that is pretty typical of 20 month olds.  It's the way it goes and that it bothers you to the point of wanting to discpline her for it worries me.  I would suggest that you find a sitter and leave the house.  You need to work on your own frustration level and handling it better.  Please do not have more children any time soon.  It will make your ability to deal with your child that much worse.  

They get more independent in the near future if she is 20 months old.  I would have special things that my kids could do at times in which I could not totally focus on them.  They did always want to be with me so I had things like a bag of magnets that I only got out when I was making dinner and they could do them on the frig while I cooked.  I had a box of special books, puzzles, toys that I brought out when I showered or something like that.  If I had to fold laundry, they would sit right beside me.  

Kids of this age have a very short attention span, so a list of things you can do for bits of time to distract them is great.  Work on your list.

Popping her won't teach her--------- it will make her cling to you more.  You've already been 'popping' ----------  has it worked?  

So get some breaks by leaving the house and work on your own ability to be less frustrated by your child.  good luck

[paperclip46]

Look up yupthatoneismine.    She has got it right.  Children will play to where you give them attention.  If it is bad attention then they will still play to that with the resulting negative emotional trauma all that brings.  Children love to be have good attention and you can watch them just blossom with this scenario. So the trick is to catch them doing something right and then give them attention and when they are doing something wrong you can actually tell them you will ignore them if they do that again and just ignore them.  I tell you it is a punishment to them.

[specialmom]

That is excellent advice!!  Thank you.

[jeano212003]

I have a 13 month old that also CRYS all the time... He gets exhausintg my only excape is work 8 hours a day than I get to go home to the crying again... UGH however, I am going to try to take him to a Chiropractor tomorrow.. I herd some people tell me it works sooo I am going to give it a try. Maybe some of you that are hitting your children should try a Chiropractor... just my thought

[crushin009]

There are lots of things adults do or teach their child that we do not expect them to do right away while they are toddlers.  So when I pop my daughter and sit her in time out (after several warnings)  she knows she did wrong and there are consequences for her actions.  She does not think ok now I go to school and hit my class mates.  
   After the time out I explain why what she did was bad and I explain she was given chance after chance.  She will then say sorry and the world is great again.  

She spends a lot of time with her cousins who are not punished at all.  Once in a great while they get a time out and on very very rare occasions a very small "pop".   THESE KIDS BEHAVE HORRIBLE.  One is a constant attention beggar who screams and hits all the kids he is around.  Remember this is a kid who is not spanked. The other kids do not listen to a single thing you tell them. I am the only one they sometimes listen to. Mind you I have never spanked the others but they see me spank my daughter and put her in time out even though they don't get punished.  I know your thinking that's horrible for my daughter to get punished while the others don't.

If you ask her why that happens she will tell you...    "So I behave better and people like me more cause I am good"  The difference in these kids who come from the same background and are together almost every day is like comparing night and day. One day about a week ago we witnessed the all too familiar screaming kid in the super market.  My daughter said "He needs a spanking and time out"   Children today have no consequences for their actions....     15 years later the parents are gonna wonder why they are behind bars.

[cbn]

I think there are two conversations going on here - and they're separate from the original post.  One is the concept of physically touching a child to alleviate the crying (aka popping) and the second is the original post - how to help this daycare provider figure out what's going on and how to make the situation better.  Not many of these posts are actually helpful to Pupsteacher.  Thank goodness her post is 4 years old - hopefully the problem and the child are out of her responsibility at this point.

I'm curious to see what others' do.  Our nanny works with my daughter who's happy and doesn't cry or fuss much as well as another baby who will literally cry all day long for no reason.  No napping, etc.  I work from home and listen to this transpire all day.  The two of us have no idea what to do.  Any help or thoughts are greatly appreciated - leave the hitting out of the conversation.  It's not part of our consideration set.

Thanks!

[Nik19]

My daughter is 14 months old and does what every other child is doing in this forum. And I've been sending her to daycare also, shes perfectly well behaved there, but hasn't changed her behaviour at home. I don't know what to do except ignore her when she whines, tell her no that is wrong and then praise her when she behaves...some days my methods work others they don't, I wish there was more solutions on here

[loumary629]

I just recently read your response about home day cares. Your response are about people who just want to make a buck and not know anything about children is bull. I have an in-home day care and I have a CDA and a Assoicates Degree in Early Childhood. So don't label if you don't know what you are talking about. Parents can find quality care in both home and center-based day cares.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Feel free to re read my post.  I didn't say all home day care is bad or anything of the sort.  But there are some that probably have no business running a daycare and this post was more related to such a situation.  Day care providers/babysitters popping kids and such.  All daycare, in home or otherwise should be checked out thoroughly by a potential family complete with references and a visit during the day to see what goes on there.  Any parent would be foolish not to do that.   I happen to know of several really excellent at home day care providers around me and I'd recommend them to anyone.  
Frankly, I would think that you would be unhappy with some of the posts here as they give daycare providers a bad name.

Good luck with your business and those with skills and patience to meet children's needs are highly sought after.  I'm glad you are providing this for families.

[mrpresh110]

if U ask me, I tink that's the best.........lol

[tessypoo]

i totally agree...ima try it

[killerdoll42]

Sure love your children spoil with what they need but you get them used to being attched to you like your their limb guess what they will not be satisfide till that is all they do. My newphews moher believed in attached parenting and guess what the kid is so dependant of her that he does feed himself talk or walk at 3 and throws tantrums and hits if she's doesn't take him into the bathroom with her and still heaven forbid she puts him down to eat or brush her teeth forget ever potty training this ki how can the when he doesn't walk I mean at all can't even stand on his on even his doctor said he's just spoiled to the point of lazy because mentally and body wise he's fine the doctors say he understands what he does and since noone tells him no or shows h won't get what he wants he keeps it up

[margypops]

Wat on earth has that to do with my posts on hitting children ???

[margypops]

PS This is a 5 year old thread .....

[xenobia1995]

I personally "popped" all four of my children and they are now very productive members of society!  My mom tore me up with a switch (or whatever was closest to her) and I turned out fine.  I work, pay my bills and have never been inside a jail cell and I love her dearly!  Kids these days get away with so much and are stuck in front of video games or television and guess what?  Prisons are full to bursting with those same kids.  Society has gone terribly wrong!  I now have a grandchild and will treat her the same way I treated my own kids if her parents want me babysitting all the time...which I do :-)  This "timeout" stuff is for the birds.  Good luck to all!!!

[xenobia1995]

And I know this is a very old thread....just wanted to put my 3 cents out there on the whole spanking issue.  Also, I never hit other kids because I knew my mother would be furious with me lol  So the theory on spanking a child teaches them to hit is bogus.  Other kids who have not been properly disciplined teach them to hit.  The world needs to figure this out.  It is illegal for a childcare provider to spank my child, but it is not illegal for me to do it.  A lady saw me pop my son's butt in the grocery store and basically threatened me.  I told her that she could take him and raise him as I would not raise a criminal.  That shut her nosey butt up!