frustrated as hell

Okay I have a 9year old daughter who lately has been doing whatever she decides to do and does not listen to what she should be doing. Or She is asked to put the wash clothes into the linen closet of her bathroom (a task my 4 year old son can do), I will be lucky if they even get to her bathroom and better if they are actually put on the shelf in her linen closet or even thrown into the linen closet at all. (my 4 year old tosses them into the bathroom or in the closet floor.) Am I expecting to much from her to be able to follow complete instructions, or to listen from start to finish of instructions?
My four year old has been showing some signs of not listening and doing what he wants because he sees it is okay for his big sister to do so. Friends say to nip this behavior because it will only get worse but have no suggestions for me as to how. So, How do I "nip" this behavior, How do I get her to understand how important it is to listen? How do I get her to understand that it is for her own good for her to pay attention to people and things around her? I think of her as an adult having these same issues and I am soo scared for her. Any suggestions will help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is not so important that your daughter understand why she should do as her parents tell her; it is important that she do what she is told. To be frank, the problem you face is the most common problem that parents face with their children. That is, sometimes children do not do what parents tell them. This can be frustrating to parents. It is important, though, to maintain your equanimity and not allow yourself to become rattled and angry. If you are a regular reader of this Forum, you already know what I am going to say: Implement s systematic behavior management plan. By systematic I mean that you must respond the same way at all times to episodes of non-compliance. Don't try this and try that and move from one tactic to another. Behavior management can be pretty simple and straightforward, but you've got to keep it simple. If you want an example of what I mean, look at the posting by Nefy from March 22, and do the same thing. You'll no doubt see improvement.