help desperate mom of defiant 21/2year old

Hi,
I am a mom of two completely opposite boys.  My 6 year old is sensitive, calm, loving,  and truly an angel.  My 21/2 year old is wild, rough, mouthy, aggressive, and still loving.  I feel lost on what to do with my 2 year old.  If I ask him to pick up his toys he will scream NO! and stands there looking directly at me.  I give warnings, tried taking away toys,  Time out, I can not seem to succeed with having him listen.  I think that time outs are great but I really don't know how to do them when my son will not sit.  I spent over an hour calmly putting him back in time out without talking to him to no success.  I am desperate to have a system that works with him.  I dread going anywhere with him because it is always a struggle.  He won't hold my hand in the parking lot, will not ride in the stroller,  refuses to eat at the table,  runs away from me in the store.  I know deep down he is a sweet and energetic little boy but I am struggling to see the positive when it comes down to it.    

[DustyL]

You said you tried time-out?! to what extent? You need to take an extra chair (not a kids chair) and place it in a different room (i find the laundry room works for me) with a kitchen timer. Everytime he does something wrong... attitude, not listening, talking back... using only 10 words send him to time out!! Say "______ go to time out for 2 minutes for not listening" give him about 5 seconds to start going there and if she doesn't move, without saying another word, pick him up and put him there! Set the timer for 2 minutes and say when it dings come find me. If he crys while he's there it's expected. DO NOT talk to him while he's on time out! If he gets up, pick him back up and put back WITHOUT  saying a WORD!!! When his 2 minutes is over, ask him why he went to time out. If he says he doesn't know explain it to him. Say something like "you went to time out for not listening to me. Its important to listen to me because it's my job to keep you safe and if you don't listen you could get hurt." Once you explain it, ask him again why he went to time out. He should answer you. If he doesn't simply explain it again and re-ask. You're goal is to make sure he understands why he went to time out. Once he does and answers you, let him resume his playing. Remember, he's 2 it's his job to not listen and talk back. So choose your battles. If he's being difiant thats one thing, but if he's not listening because he's distracted thats another. Remove the distractions and repeat the request. Bad attitude is something my daughter had and it was BAD... when you said something she didn't like she placed her hands behind her back and with her nose in the air turned and walked away from you. We started sending her to time out EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE DID IT. (one day she went to time out 23 times just for attitude) Needless to say, after that day it was a 97% turn around. After a week, no more attitude! All you need to do is be consistant. For a 2 or 3 or even 5 year old time out should be in a boring place NOT in a bedroom!!!! The good thing about timeout is that it can be used ANYWHERE!!! Get a little pocket timer and keep it in your purse (be sure you and your son understand the concept of the time-out timer at home before using it anywhere else). If he acts up in the store find a nice tile and say time out for 2 minutes for whatever he did. I used a tile right in the middle of a dead isle so my kids couldn't touch anything. I set the timer and placed it on the floor just out reach. When it went off, same thing, why did you have to sit in time out? wait for a reply or i explained. While they are on the time out tile, pay no attention to him. Obiously you can't walk away but stay 5 or so feet away and pretend to continue shopping (even if you don't need anything in that isle)

Trust me, if your consistant and use only one punishment method things will improve. Over the next 2 weeks you should see an improvement. You also have to keep a few other things in mind as well.
#1 - he should only go to time out for 1 minute per year old (if he's 2 then 2 minutes, when he turns 3 then 3 minutes... etc)
#2 - along with the timeout when he's bad, you need to praise him when he's good. for instance if theres a particular time where he gives you attitude and you would send him to time out, when that happens again and he DOESN'T give you an attitude you need to say Good Job explaining yourself and not giveing me an attitude! or GREAT listening! Verbal praise is great for children his age, he needs to know he can do good things too not just bad. If he startes getting positive attention when he does good things and NO ATTENTION (as hard as it can be sometimes) for bad things... you will start to see more good than bad!!!!! I PROMISE YOU!!!

Just be consistant 100000% of the time. NO means NO it doesn't mean not this time but next time it's ok! And don't punish him for things you stumble upon. For instance if you notice at some point he wrote on the wall and you didn't see him do it, explain why it's a no no and have him help you clean it, but don't punish him for it. Chances are he doesn't remember when he did it either. A 2 year old's short term memory typically is about 2-4 hours.


GOOD LUCK!!!!