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help with a 9 year old
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help with a 9 year old

we are have a problem with a 9 year old girl she has been removed
from her mum due to ill treatment of her and her to younger siblins
who are 4 and 6. we are have problems with her constent need to be in
charge and play the parenting role often useing the same behaviour
her mum used, negative comment and often violent behaviour. we have
discovered this is also happening at school where she will not play
with kids her own age but much younger children where she will often
act like she is there mother and can upset the younger children.
examples of this behaviour are if i was to say to the 4 year old " u
do not hit your bother " she would talk over me and repeat/try to
explain in more detail what i have tried to say. punishment does not
seem to prevent this behaviour and i'm not sure how stricked to be as
this child has been ill treated in past and is very unsecure as it
is. she also shows problems with playing normal i dont know if there
interlinked but she does not seem to be able to play like a normal 9
year old often finding it hard to play with toys and she will become
very upset if asked to go play in her room. in all games she must be
the parent figure and is unable to play a child role in games she has
shown no sign of role playing of jobs such as police women or dr and
when she is in room with adults must be sitting next to them often
rubbing her hand up and down there arm or be over cuddly. this shows
she has been usecurely attached as a baby. any advice?
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I feel really sad for the 9 yr. old and her silblings.This mustbe a very hard time for them. Are you a foster parent/relative or something?

I want to say that not everything you are describing  is that odd of behavior. I have an  11 yr, old and she has a lot of similarities as this girl, she likes to play the parental roll and will also talk over my discipline ( occasionally) to her siblings that is until I give her the "look" (she knows better) but just gets a little excited knowing one of the other kids are in trouble ( not odd to me!.)  I know its annoying and you are trying to find a answers, maybe you should just try to talk  and explain to her why its important for her to not interupt maybe something like...."The 4 year old needs to understand that I am the adult and he/she needs to follow my rules and that it helps for this child to respect me. You are welcome to help out and make suggestions later but, not at the moment i am speaking. It is dissrespectful to interupt"  Maybe just talking with her, since she is nine ( which is an age where they understand quite a bit).
Some of her behavior is obviously because she has been taken from her mother . if I understand it right, because her mother treated them badly?. The 9 year old probably had to always "be the parent" at home if mom wasnt "well" so this is all she knows.
If this arrangement is farely new I would give it a bit more time and get the 9 year old involved in some activities with girls her age, so she can learn what being 9 is about: Having fun, dancing, singing, playing , being with friends, sports,playing an instrument, arts , crafts,  any healthy activity.

My daughter has never roll played as a Dr. or police officer either  and she comes from a happy healthy home, so that really would not concern me  !!

Have you considered any  counseling or therapy?

Well I wish you luck,glad to see you want to help.
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