helping a 3 year old bond with new parents

[Heartbroken]

The 3 year old foster child my wife and I raised for >2 years and were attempting to adopt was placed with a new family. The State allowed one week for the child to meet and spend time with the new parents and then he was placed with them permanently.  My wife and I conferred with other adoption workers and child psychologists who recommended a longer transition and our active participation in transferring the child to his new home but the state would not allow this and said a fast, complete break would be best.
This beautiful little boy is not bonding with the new parents, he is not sleeping, throws extreme tantrums, displays regressive behavior, and still expects my wife and I to come and pick him up. A state counselor has suggested we have a final contact session to say a final goodbye to him(we last saw him 3 mos ago). This is very upsetting to us as we believe it is not in the best interests of the child for us to have "vanished off the face of the earth".

My questions are as follows:
1. Other professionals have suggested we meet the boy at his new home in order: let him know we still love him, let him know we are OK, give him permission to live with the new parents and to be happy, and be clear that he will no longer live with us. This seems logical and compassionate. Is it good advise? If so, is there published literature that you can recommend to me so I can supply it to the counselor to influence her to do what is best for this child?    
2. Are there any other things my wife and I can do to assist the child in bonding to the new parents? Do we need to keep our distance or is it ok for us to communicate via letters, photos, etc. We have already provided a photo album of his life with us but learned that he did not want to look at the photos because he thought he had done something wrong (was bad) and that is why we no longer see him.
3. If, despite the incompetence of the state, the best case scenario occurs and the child bonds with the new family, my wife and I feel very strongly that we want to play a role in this childs life. Perhaps as uncle and aunt. We believe this type of "open adoption" would serve to enrich this childs life since he will continue to have somewhat of a bond of love with us. We can also offer him experiences in addition to the new parents. Is the concept of an open adoption a good one in this case? If so, can you also suggest literature that I might access to influence the new parents and the counselor.
Thank you in advance for your response. This beautiful child needs our help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I think any responsible pediatric mental health professional or child development specialist would tell you that the process that was employed to make the transition to the new home was not in this little boy's best interest. You can imagine that his world was turned upside down when he was suddenly removed from the care of the parents he relied on and found himself with new parents (however capable and loving they are). This transition should have occurred much more slowly and gradually.

However, such thoughts are now a moot point because he has been placed with the new family. To have some additional contact makes perfect sense, though with a child so young it will not be possible to satisfactrily 'explain' what has occurred. The regression he has demonstrated is to be expected, given the trauma of the sudden separation. Now, precisely what manner of contact should occur is not clear. In part, this will be determined by any plans around your continued contact with him. The matter of an 'open adoption' is not a black-and-white issue. He will be able to prosper under either arrangement, provided he receives the proper supports.

This Forum is a component of MedHelp International. One of the features of the site is a Search option. Through it you can search the literature through Medline, and it will give you citations that apply to foster and adoptive care and the matter of transitions to new homes.

[Heartbroken]

Thank you for the response. Can you clarify what you meant when you wrote that the manner of contact "will be determined by any plans around your continued contact"? My wife and I are committed to support the new parents and to play a role in this childs life if the state will allow it. However, we do not want our contact to interfere with his bonding with the new parents. How do we determine the type and frequency of contact that is best for the child-- and then influence the counselor and new parents to accept that? Also, can you clarify what "the proper supports" are that will help the child prosper. My assumption would some of the supports center on his bonding with the new parents so he knows he is loved and safe and also that he knows we still love him and will play a role in his life.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If it turns out that you will not have ongoing contact with your former foster son, one or two more visits to provide closure should occur. If you will have ongoing contact, some predictable schedule of visits (e.g., monthly) should be set in motion.

It sounds like this issue is up in the air. You want to have contact, but it's not clear that the new adoptive family or the state officials want the contact to occur. While it makes sense to articulate your wishes and the reasons for them, ultimately you'll have to defer to others' decisions about this - you may not end up with the plan you want. All you can do is present a reasonable plan in a patient, understanding manner, and hope for the best. It does not make sense to get into an adversarial situation or promote conflict.

Supports will be determined by the child's needs. For now, because of the change in families and the way in which this was done, he should be involved in outpatient therapy. This needn't persist throughout his childhood, but only time and circumstances will tell.