how to tell child real dad

i have a 9yr old girl but she does not know i am the real dad.the mother is married to another man and they have a child together.i live overseas and about six months i got hold of the mother and we had a chat and she suggested she will talk to the husband.the husband was not impressed by my contact and i did not go ahead with introducing myself to my daughter.i had told her i am not apprearing just to couse trouble but just to let the truth be known.a few weeks ago the mother got hold of me and asked how she will go about to introduce me to our daughter.for me i am after the child to know the real dad.but i know it will not be smooth sailing.any suggestions are welcome plus any problems i might expect for both the mother and me.

[margypops]

I think it is a good idea perhaps your former girlfriend should tell her husband that it would be a good thing for your daughter to know you, I am uncertain what country you live in but in the US Fathers are allowed by law to have visitation with their children, so you could take the Matter to court, the Husband would have no option to let you see her then.If you want contact with your Daughter it is up to you to go for it.,you will be gald you did.

[Muffy1521]

I think you should think about what's best for the chilld.Do you think a 9 year old would really understand???  She might be really confused. And She may even want to see you, I think you should move closer to them, and commit to being a REAL father if you are going to ruin her and her current dads relationship. and it may even ruin your EX girlfriends marriage if you suddenly appear in their lives. How do you think everyone in the situationw ould feel about it???
your daughter will look forward to phone calls and visits, and if you don't show, then she will build insecurities within herself.  

[margypops]

As your former girlfriend said she will talk to her husband she is ameniable to you seeing your Daughter, and as she later got hold of you I am assuming that the husband thought it was okay.Maybe a good idea for you to speak to her husband your self, it is always good for children to know both of their Parents where it is possible.You are caring enough not to want to hurt anyone ,this is obvious from your post.Good Luck I hope it works out that your daughter gets to0 see you and have a relationship.

[mybabies1999]

I can understand where you are coming from, but I have to agree with "margypops" previous post. Perhaps you should speak with her "current" father and slowly get to know the "whole" family. I don't think it is in the best interest of the child to just show up, tell her your her "real" father. Real father? As far as she knows, she has a daddy. I can't imagine telling my 9 year old daughter today all of sudden you have a different daddy, it would crush her!!  I don't think it matters how old they are. She also has a sister and that is going to confuse her. Her whole world is going to tumble down on her. Perhaps coming into her life slowly and establishing a friendship with her current daddy and getting used to you first, than eventually explaining that she has a heart daddy and a biological daddy. This is extremely touchy. As a child, I couldn't imagine growing up thinking, feeling and knowing this is my daddy and to than be told that no, thats not your daddy, this is your daddy? Do you know how much a girl loves her daddy? She thinks the world of him, looks up to him, and now you decide you want to be in her life? I don't think its fair just because you decided that now. I think you need to do what is in the best interest of this little girl and let her be. As much as it may hurt you now, it isn't fair to turn this childs life upside down. Her known father has been raising her and I admire him for that and you need to allow him to continue to do so. Things happen, but you made that decision not to be in her life, whether her mother made that decision or not, you had the right and you didn't take it and you need to live with that decision. Its selfish.

[Jessie12]

My children(not mine by blood) used to live with thier mother.  They are 3.5 and 20 months.  She hasnt seen or talked to them since the begining of March.  The oldest does remember her but does not consider her to be his mommy.  When ever she decides that she wants to be apart of their lives again I know it is going to be hard.  Was there a reason you have never tried to introduce yourself before now?  Nine years is a long time.  I have never seen nor met my father and by the time I was seven, I had decided that I wanted nothing to do with him.  My thought on it was "its his loss." You have every right to be in her life.  Just start slow, you would definetly want to meet in person for the first time.  Then if you still live overseas, just call every few days.  Your relationship will grow with time and maybe on the summers she can stay with you for a week or whatever you and her mother decide.  Good luck in your journey, it will be rough!