i dont care attitude

Many different circumstances may contribute to the situation so I am going to summarize as best I can. 3 children, 8 yr old daughter, 9 yr old daughter, 12 yr old son. Father and I have been separated for 7 years.  My ex and I do not get along but we are civil in front of the kids. He refuses to abide by my rules and disciplinary actions and makes up his own when the kids are with him. We are also in counseling, trying to resolve this but I feel it will never be resolved. He will never change! He is the type that "buys their love" if you know what I mean. I understand this is a huge factor. Parents must work together to help our children but how can I possibly do this if my ex is uncooperative?! So, my 9 yr old has the "I dont care" attitude. I have read many posts and most of the advice has not worked.  I do not expect a quick fix, this has gone on for years. My child is in therapy and I feel it has only made the situation worse. First the therapist said to ignore it, then try the reward/consequence. Neither worked. What am I paying the therapist for if he is not helping? I am also in no position to buy my children things every time they should be rewarded. I am not rich! Watching t.v. and playing video games is not a reward to my daughter. I praise my 9 yr old when she has done good or tried really hard to do good. This does not change the fact that she is failing in school, fighting with her siblings and myself and just this year began telling lie's. She has even "cut" CCD (catholic education) several times. I understand every child has their own personality and should be treated accordingly but I try to raise them the same as far as the basics go. They all get the same punishment if they don't do homework etc. For lunch they all get the same thing, I can not spoil one child and not the others. What I have is what they eat, but my 9 yr old doesn't care, she has to have it her way. If she doesn't like the lunch, she throws it out and tells the school I didn't give her one. The consequence is I do not give her another lunch but then the school provides lunch for her and she gets her way. advice?

[RockRose]

Raising,  this must be very hard but you seem to have a lot of anger that is now focused on this child that maybe should be focused elsewhere (or somehow let go?  Don't know if that's possible).  

She needs to find something - anything - that she cares about.  Does she like animals and maybe could volunteer at the shelter or get a puppy to work with?  Is she good at sports or art or music or . . .   I don't know what her interests are.  

She needs to find something to spark her interest.  Right now she really doesn't sound like she cares about anything  at all - and you can't really "punish that out of her".  You have to give her something that she does care about (and not just so you can take it away as a punishment).  Something that will give life to her day.

[RockRose]

One more comment - why do your children all get the same lunch?  I see families in stores where the mom says okay,  pick the lunch meat you want this week,  what kind of fruit do you want,  etc.  and the kids actually look involved in their decision.  

As a middle child,  the more choices and freedom you can give her to take ownership in her daily life,  and get her own preferences where possible,  the better.

[Sandman2]

   The other question would be about her failing in school. What do her teachers say?  When you have tried a variety of things and they have not worked, its time to look at other factors.  Something like ADD is not easy to pick up on (especially in girls), and could account for many of the problems you mentioned.  So I would talk to the teachers.
   This site has a ton of information that you may find helpful -
                http://www.ncpamd.com/adhd.htm

  Best Wishes.