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Avatar universal

inaporpreate behavior prolems with 13 yr old son

My son ust turned 13. he was molested by two children when (step broter/sister) from age 4-6. This happened at his father's house on weekend visitations after our divorce  with my ex's new wife's children (who he was with at that time, he's since divorced and has moved on to wife #3)
I found out when he was 6, he told me, and i immediately tried to discus it with his father and when he wouldn't discuss it, I went to the police, cps and called a counselor. we went through all the appopreiate channels.(All visitation over there stopped. I left messages for his father encouraging him to still see our son, so that he didn't feel rejected my his dad because of this, it didn't work and his father ignored him for 1 and a half yrs.Which was very painful for my son) Nothing ever came of it after the investigation. The older children who did this admitted it, and the whole situation was 'dismissed' staing no criminal intent on the part of the children who did the acts. (what the younger boy did to my son was even worse than the older sister. yet, no one would listen to my complaints that i was afraid that those children must have been molested them selves, or at minimum exposed to pornography, because the things that were acted out were not simple child couriosity type things. It was actual simulated sex acts, oral and anal to me, which would signal ANY social worker/police that something was seriously wrong there.) They said it was because the children were only 2 and 6 yrs older than my son was at the time
Well it was all a terrible mess and I moved and started him with counseling through the school system so it was free and constant.
He had that counseling for almost 2 yrs. Then we had to move again for my job.
On and off through the years he'd get in trouble at school. Mainly with getting him to focus and stay on task. He was evaluated and they siad no ADHD/ADD.
They said he ws having a hard time dealing with the abuse. We started counseling again. after so many months, we'd stop (usually due to lack or time/money to do it plus if the counselor would think he was 'doing better' and didn't need to be seen as much "unless there's another behaivor insident'. I was a single mom at the time and working 3 jobs, it was very hard for me to get him to an apointment.) So the last couple years, he did they exact same thing with school.
His report card grades were always average or a little above. But for anything that had to do with behavior or working on a group it was always bad.
He acted up in 5th rade and grabbed a little girls bottom on a dare.He got in trouble an dsent to the principle. I talked to him, she did, teachers did. Then with in 2 weeks of that, he messed around on a school computer and got in trouble, then made a pass at a 47 yr old frined of my sisters right before a children's benefit we were putting on for my youngest son.
Then I took him back to a councelor AGAIN, planning to stay longer with them.
(during all this I got remarried 3 yrs ago and we had a baby that has severe cystic fibrosis and a feeding tube. Our finances got stretched even more)
I ended up taking him out of school and attempting to home school him. I had him evaluated at the university's pediatric psyiatric program. They stated for his diagnosis :he was now, both a abuse victim and predetor.(he still though has never had the police involved with anything, only told by schools that it's up to the other parents of whatever child he bothered, that they could press sexual assault charges on him. He has never touched anyone's privates. But in 6th grade he was gaucking/staring at some girl and made her uncomfortable and she told the school councelor, and they talked to him and said it would fall under sexual harrasment, and that he could be arrested. (that's when I took him out of school and tried the home schooling) then just this past April I let him go back to a diffrent school, so he could take the AIMS test, and  get properly placed into 7th grade. He was at school a month and then bothered a girl by constantly putting his foot on her chair, (they were facing eachother at a table)and occasionally trying to act as if it was an 'accident' and bump his leg against hers. She ened up hitting him really hard and grabing her leggs around his leg, and he shoved his knee up between her legs, and she told on him an dhe got in trouble an dlied and acted as if it was all a mistake. I could tell he was lying, and i took him to the police station, and had an officer talk to him about the severity a sexual assault charge would have on his life, and about detention centers/jail, having a record...what that would do for him ever trying to apply for a scholalship for school etc.   I was just desperate. I'd grounded him, taken away privilages etc at times and it never seemed to make a dent. So I followed the psyc evalutation's advice, and they said he had to be seen by a psycologist consistantly, for at least a year, or possibly through his adolecence.. So we've had him going to a Christian Dr/phycologist who is really good, and specializes in working with teens with these problems. He really does well with my son, and it makes me feel hopeful.
BUT I am still worried. He just turned 13, just a regualr 13 yr old boy has so much tesosterone flowing through them...for my son, He's 5'8", size 10 and a 1/2 shoe, he's growing like a weed, getting facial hair, his voice changed to a really deep one last year, and now it's even more so. His legs are almost as hairy as my husband's.
I am just scared to death that while he's in therapy, and working on all this, he'll still not make good decisions or not think of consequinces and his effect on other people.
He still comes off desperate for friends, and then now he's already 'labled' from the other kids for the most part, as a trouble maker.
He got good grades, but the behavior part was almost all negative AGAIN for this time.
I have checked with schools, and social programs to see if there was possibly a treatment facility in AZ. The only things we've found are not somethig we can do.
I don't know what else to do. I have spoken to the school, they said they'd like him to com eback next year, and have him make up a diciplinary agreement with the director of the school right before school starts. She said last week that she thought if he was involved in the process that maybe it would help him feel more accountable.
If anyone has some other suggestions, I could really use them.
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Avatar universal
I shall say a prayer for your boy. Good Luck.
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Avatar universal
Hi, I am in going to look for that book. I think prayer does make a diffrence.
My aol is on my son's site:
There's a sweet video on the bottom of the picture page.
I read in a woman's bible study a good thing, so I made a 'consequince' jar with all the little crummy odd jobs I don't really have time to do and should. (wash out the trash cans, wipe down the walls/doors from smudges, clean out the pantry...sweep the walk way, wipe down all the base boards in the kitchen etc.)all written on little seperate peices of paper and put in the jar, then two times I wrote down "mercy" They said to use it as an opportunity to share beifly about God's mercy to us when we should be punished...

Then we shake it up, and if he's being rude or chooses not to listen, or be with in the house rules. Instead of me getting upset I just made him pick a piece of paper out if the jar.
We'll see how long this lasts, but it's worked the last couple times.
You guys have been a true encouragement to me.
Thank you. Tomorrow he has couseling with his therapist at 1.
I am not in there with him, he usually talks to me for a couple miutes afterwards.
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203342 tn?1328737207
Sorry if I misunderstood. I guess I thought you said he did have ADHD. I guess I was having my own ADD moment! :)
I can imagine that it is frustrating all that you describe. Just stick to your guns and hang in there. It does get better! My son is 19 now and has really matured this last year or so. Just take one day at a time.
So you live in Arizona? My daughter is actually there right now visiting her grandparents. I know it gets awfully hot there!
Take care. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Did you see the post that clevelandmom sent recommending that book "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian? It's a good book. I've got it. You might like it too. God bless.
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Avatar universal
Hi, well no he doesn't have ADD or ADHD. I thought I had said he didn't, but maybe my typing slipped.
When they did the big evaluation that was the first things they ruled out.
it was done at the University, so I am hoping they got it right.
The reason he was grounded for so long, was that my husband had asked him to only play for 1 hour.We thought he was doing that, but he'd always be super tired in the morning. We weren't even allowing him to play at night, because we wanted him reading or doing something more mellow before he went ot sleep.
So then my husband caught him sneaking it and playing it in the middle of the night, also, he isn't allowed to be in our neighbors homes without permission from us. There's alot of kids in this neighborhood. There's acoldasack by our house. We've told him that as long as he's playing outside, and we know wehre he's at andwho he's with that's fine. But he knows he can't be outside after dark, or wandering around, or going in and out of diffrent kids houses with out is knowing where he is, and that if he wants to go in and play, that he has to either come inside an dask me, or call me.
So he didn't come in one night in March, (I was pregant and had a catheter in, an dhad just gotten out of the hospital, so when it was dark, and he wasn't home I couldn't really walk around and look for him.) He didn't come home until 9 pm. He was supposed to be in my 7.
So between that, and Pat catching him sneaking the video games, he said he couldn't play until he was showing us that he was going to respect the house rules. So he said he couldn't play for the rest of the week.Before the rest of the week was over, he did something else...so Pat told him he wasn't giving it back to him until he got his progress report. Then they weren't good. He was missing assignments etc. So he said he couldn't ge tit back unless he fixed that, and his grades. So then as soon as he got that and school was out, he got it back at the beggining of June.
I have now usually been for the most part doing the thing about consequence for that day, an dnot dawing it out so long. I had heard that before to just make it immediate. So We usually do that.
Sometimes it doesn't seem to matter it seems rather it's long or short. I do think that it would help if i could get him reading some good books. He lkes to read. We got him a workbook/bible study called "every young man's battle"
That talks about sex respecting the opposite sex mainly, but it's really good.
I am sure there's some other ones i can find that are good too.
He really is a good guy. Today he helped in the yard and I appreicated it and told him he did a good job.He was pretty good all day until to night. He got mad that I wouldn't let him go set off fire works with his frineds. But we live in a really dry part of AZ and if something happened,it would  be really bad, like a fire or something. Plus it's illegal here, but he acted like i was being lame to not let him go. I know I do have to let him do some things, but really, he hasn't proven to me tha tI can trust him, infact the opposite, so it really is scary for me. I have left out a lot of things, just because this is so public, but he's really got some serious issues. He's wonderful and al of that. But really, and we have to live here. I don't feel comfortable having him with other kids, if he's going to instigate trouble and being sneaky. Tonight I had told him no about setting off fire works, so what did he do? ASk to just play right outside our house with some friends. i said ok, then he comes running back into his room, then starts to leave again real fast. I said hold us, I felt his pocket an dsaid, what's that?
It was a lighter an da small bottle of AXE spray.
He said they were going to light the firewroks. The AXE was for if it was 'hard to light because of a breeze, that they'd been spraying the ground withit, then lighting it, it would make a larger flame for a minute an dthey were able to light the things easier."
Now, if you lived in the desert, not to mention everything else, wouldn't you say no way bud?
So I took the stuff away, thre it in the trash. Tonight when he wanted to meet up with them, when it was dark, I said nope.
It's just frusterating, and the fact that he'd been already doing that was upsetting me. He knows how I feel about it and why. That could be really dangerous.It's been well over 100 degrees here, over 110 yesterday I think.
dry as a bone.
It just made me feel like he still just only thinks more of if he's got a friend, than what's right to do.
thanks for your help and advice.
I have looked into helpful jobs he could do...I am sure I can find one.

Helpful - 0
203342 tn?1328737207
I agree with Koukla. I think it's important to expect respect from him but punishing him for four months does seem too long. It loses it's power I think when it's dragged out too long. There has to be a balance. Yes, you must absoloutely expect respect from him. He should not be allowed to talk back or be rude. What I tell my kids is that I expect them to be polite and respectful to both me and their father but also to other adults in authority such as teachers, police, etc. I think they used to think that when they grew up, they'd be able to do whatever they wanted. I reminded them that someday they will have a boss who will be in authority over them and they will need to be respectful to them. My son is now realizing that because he is working.
When my daughter talks back or is rude, I stay calm but remind her that I deserve better than that and that I won't listen to her if she cannot talk to me in a normal, respectful tone. I tell her that when she can talk to me in a normal, respectful tone then I'd be more than happy to listen to her. She is doing better, I think. Just stay consistent.
He is entering his teen years and they can be pretty turbulent! He wants more responsibilty but he still needs guidance. Can you see if there's a job he could do over the Summer such as mowing peoples lawns? This would go a long way to helping him feel good about himself and give him a sense of accomplishment. I've noticed that when teens are bored they tend to get in more trouble. So try and keep him busy this Summer. I know we have to let go little by little while still keeping an eye on our kids, so I had told my daughter that when she turned 15 that I'd let her go to the mall with her friends without me hovering over her, but I put a lot of rules on it, such as they have to stay inside the mall, they cannot go outside, if one of them needs to go to the bathroom they all go together, and if anyone talks to them and makes them feel uncomfortable they should get mall security. But I started this all gradually. When she was 14, I let her go to the mall with her friends but I'd be there too, then I started letting them go into the stores without me but I made sure at least one of them had a cell phone and I knew all their cell phones. Now she wants a job, but there's not too many places that hire 15 year olds. Little by little, I'm trying to let go yet really watch too, especially since she has broken our trust this last year. I've told her it will take time for her to build back up that trust again. I told her I was willing to start to let her do things again but if she messes up again then it's back to square one. She has been actually doing really well this last month or so. I let her go alone to her grandparents this Summer and she flew by herself. My Mom says she's had very good manners, so I'm relieved!
You said that he has ADHD. Is he on any type of medication? Some of the trouble he gets into probably stems from the fact that he has ADHD. These kids have poor impulse control and unfortunately tend to get ostricized sometimes from their peers because of the way they act. As they get older, they do learn better self-control. That's the good news! My son had a mild form of ADD and is now 19. He said he remembered that he was pretty annoying as a little kid! I wouldn't have said that, but he remembers more than I knew what happened. I refused medication because I was worried about the affects. Now I wonder if I should have tried it. I think my daughter has ADD too. I've never got her diagnosed but she acts very impulsively and jumps into things before stopping to think of the consequences. I do think they can outgrow this or at least learn better coping techniques as they mature. It just takes time. I don't know if I'm just babbling now or if any of this makes sense or is helpful or not! :0) Take care. I hope things do improve for you. Keep in touch.
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212795 tn?1194952574
I think he needs to have his consequence regardless of how angry he gets about it.  You are teaching him responsibility.  The only problem that I see with his consequences is that they are lasting a long time.  For example, taking away his video games for four months is no longer a punishment as much as it is "a way of life."  He needs shorter lengths of time consequences that he can understand versus long term consequences which lose their meaning after a while.  I think it was effective to tell him if he continues to argue with you, he will lose his play priveledges for tomorrow.  That is short term and he will feel it.  This will teach him that if he wants to play the next day, he needs to respect and listen to mom.  You are teaching him respect.  

I would say that instead of grounding him an entire summer, think about getting him to read books as ways for him to prove he is ready to do better.  Take him to the library and pick out a book he is really interested in reading.  I think this will prepare him for the new school year, give you a way to test his comprehension and create discussions on book, and it will give him a way to show you that he is learning responsiblity.  Maybe he can earn back his priveledges to go out.  

Although this is hard for the both of you, I believe you are on the right track because you are teaching him life lessons.  

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Avatar universal
Hi,
my son was mad at me tonight because I wouldn't let him go spend the night at his friends house. I had told him at the end of the school year that If his grades weren't good that he wouldn't be allowed to do things like that, also I had told him when he first got to go back to school in April, that if there was any ore inapropreate behavior, that he wouldn't be allowed to spend the night at anyone's house over the summer.So I feel he knew and had fair warning.  So he keeps rolling his eyes ect.
I had been allowing  him to play with his friends (they're neighbors) but I told him tonight that if he was going to have an attitude with me about it, that he wouldn't be allowed to play tomorrow with anyone, because it was his choice to mess around, and he knew there was consequences.
He'd been grounded from his video games for 4 months, but he got them back last month for his birthday, I had said he can't play more than 2 hours a day.
Do you thik that I am wrong to restrict him if he is rude to me, or starts to agrue with me? I have told him that he can disagree, but regardless of what we are discusing, he has to be respectful  still in the way/tone he's speaking to me.
I feel that's right.
Do you think I am over reaacting to stuff, or being to strict with him?
When he continued to say **** to me tonight, I just said that no, he's not spending the night at anyone's house this summer, because he has to prove to me that he is really working and commiting to show me, and himself that he's going to be more responsible and trustworthy with his decisions, and i said it starts at home with how he's acting here, then at school. I said he had a chance, blew it, and has to go from there, and try again.
thanks for your input.
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212795 tn?1194952574
Thank you for sharing too, Cleveland Mom!
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Avatar universal
I am also "completely" an INTJ.  I derive my energy from my alone time.  When I get taxed socially, I become drained. I have very few friends but the ones that I have I have deep relationships with. This is very typical of introverts, as you know.  Introverts rarely win popularity contests but we have alot to offer the world.  

I have felt challenged as an INJT often in social work because of my different personality and style.  Most in the helping professions are more extroverted and more feeling/emotional.  We INJTs are a rare breed.  However, I have a strong drive to help others.  I considered law school for a time, many lawyers are NJTs.  I ended up finishing my MSW.  My career goal is to apply to a nearby psychoanalytic institute for a a post-graduate study program.  I want to become a psychoanalytic therapist.

I personally liken parenting to the old Peace Corps slogan "the toughest job you'll ever love".  Its been true for me.  Parenting is a very humbling experience because at some point you realize that there is alot in life that you can't control.  This becomes quite real when you are granted a precious little human being to love and raise.  There is a U2 song with a line about having to learn to kneel to touch the sky.  Parenting has been so grounding to me and by being more grounded I have a wider, richer perspective of life.  Its truly life-altering and I am grateful for the experience.

I spent almost all of my paid social work career as a single gal.  I did some fine work.  I was acknowledged by an award for my work in child welfare.  I made a difference as do many non-parents in helping professions.  I also think that this forum should be a place for professionals to connect and share opinions and experiences.  I also enjoy this forum because I am a stay-at-home mom who is looking forward to get back out there in some capacity within the next several years.  Thank you for your candid sharing, koukla29!
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212795 tn?1194952574
I agree 100% that this forum is opinion based and the pediatrician/doctor is usually the best place to start finding answers and referrals to other resources.
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203342 tn?1328737207
I too believe in the power of prayer. Some people may scoff at it and not believe but I've seen it firsthand. My mom is a walking miracle.
I'd be interested in hearing about the book too! ;0)
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212795 tn?1194952574
I am an Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Percieving (ENFP) personality type, and lol I am completely my type!  Extremely intuitive and I respond deeply to feelings - at least in person.  I am extroverted that I enjoy being around people and make deep connections with others.  I find a million ways to do something, and I try to do three projects at once - all the time!  INTJs are a very small percentage of the population, I think about 10%?  One of my best friends is an INTJ and she is a very precise person.  She is very logical and methodical in her thinking, and she is absolutely wonderful and deeply intuitive about the world.

Thank you for commenting on my post.  Sometimes I wonder if I will be stoned for not having children, yet coming here to respond to posts.  I really enjoy helping and I think this forum is a safe place for people to get an idea/perspective on what they are dealing with.  

I believe in the power of prayer because I have seen what it can do.  I think that prayer is powerful because we relinquish control to the situation and we give it to god or a higher power.  This is extremely difficult to do, but it is healing to the person who can do it.  I'd love to know the title of the book you are talking about when you find it.
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Avatar universal
This is a board of opinions, I am in no way stating in my previous remarks that anyone should act of the opinions expressed here because this forum is not moderated by a professional associated with Med Help International.   Everyone should consider the remarks here opinions and consult their pediatrician/familly doctor and any others who are providing care for themselves or their families with concerns.   Best wishes...
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Avatar universal
I like that we are talking about prayer, because its the "therapy" that we don't talk about sometimes.  It is powerful to those who believe.  There are some good books out there dealing with praying for one's family.  I ran across a good one in my library, recently.  I will come up with the author and title and post it to those who are interested.
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Avatar universal
Koukla,  you are an "expert" in your field.  You come here with a body of knowledge and professional experience that is potentially valuable to those who interact on this forum. There are experts here in other fields who have worked in medical settings, mental health settings etc.  There are other "experts" here, some are expert parents who have raised children and have dealt with various challenges in the process.  

Not only do all of have different backgrounds, personally and professionally, we have different personalities and styles.  This is reflected in how we respond, interact and deliver opinions and information.   Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs test?  Its a personality type test that identifies a number of personality types.  Its very interesting.  I have taken one.  I am a Intorverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging (INTJ) person.  People of my type have a certain definateness about them and self-confidence. We are born with these traits.  This is reflected in the way I respond.  There are a number of other personality types.  Some people are extroverted and more emotional etc..  You can do a search about Meyers-Briggs typology there is a good deal of information on the internet about it.  One of the things that I like about this forum is that there is alot of diversity.  It keeps things interesting.

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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for that. I will definately be praying for your family too, and just so you know...just sharing like this. Even this simple little bit has made me feel better already, and encouraged to pray more seriously about this. I know I haven't been like I really need to in such a deep and dedicated way.
.I hope to see you in the other room.
Thanks.
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212795 tn?1194952574
I definitely will say a prayer for your family:)  I don't think you are too protective, I think you are involved, which is what your son needs.  I didn't mean to imply that you were taking him out of everything.  I meant to say, even when it's tough, hang in there and let him learn.  I don't know why he would get into trouble with the police for staring at a girl - this is taking it a little far if it was just for staring.  

I think your son is a normal teenager who has had some early trauma because of the abuse and his struggle right now is with his social skills.  He sounds intelligent to me, and I think it will be only a matter of time before he finds his niche.  This will allow him to develop stronger connections with kids his age.  I am sure you have done this already, but have you talked to him about appropriate/inappropriate ways to behave around the opposite sex?  Is he allowed to date?  If so, does he know his restrictions?  I think he is going through puberty and thinking of girls.... alot!  This is normal.  Even looking up the word boobs a million times - normal at 13.  Try not to make him feel guilty for it, what he needs to understand is what is appropriate and what is not.  For example, masturbation.  This is a private activity, not something he is able to in public.  You are not telling him its not ok for him to masturbate, you are telling him that this is private time activity.  Maybe you can ask your husband to have this type of talk with him, and then it could be a bonding experience "among the men."

I am a school counselor who has worked with elementary, middle, and high school students.  I also have my mental health degree and have worked with children who have suffered trauma/abuse, and I have run many groups for children/teens who struggle with social skills, divorce, anger management etc.  I am hoping to attain my phd in counseling psychology in the near future.  However, this is a public forum and I am not trying to come off as the expert on here.  I just take an interest in helping others based on my experience working with children, and when I see a post that I can relate my experience to, I post a response.  I want you to know you are not the only one who has experienced this problem.  I have worked with parents who have struggled with the exact same type of issues.

I don't have children yet, but say a little prayer for me because I would be honored to become a mother someday:)  Hopefully in a few years!
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203342 tn?1328737207
You know what, we all make mistakes. We've all done dumb things. I've often wished I had found the Lord when I was younger instead of waisting so many years drinking and partying. And believe me, I understand what you mean about being overwhelmed. This has been the hardest year of our lives. We've gone through every rollarcoaster you can imagine with my daughter, from her being suicidal and depressed to cutting to admiting she had been molested when she was younger to questioning her sexuality and her faith. Our whole world was turned upside down. But God is good and has been with us all every step of the way. He led us to a wonderful Christian counselor and our daughter is doing much better. We are cautiously starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, we aren't promised that we won't have pain and suffering but Jesus did promise he would walk with us through it, and when we reach the other side we realize that we are stronger and more compassionate because of the trials we've gone through.
I'm only saying this because you obviously are a Christian, but if you ever need extra prayer and support go to Christian-Prayers.Com. They've been a lifesaver for me. I've met some wonderful, caring prayer warriors who will gladly pray for you. It's been a real blessing for me.
Hang in there! Someday you will see the fruits of your labor (raising your children!) God bless!
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Avatar universal
Thanks.
That helps. I feel like you are right. I hope you are. I mean I'll feel and think all those same things, and I do know alot of itis his age, immaturty etc.
I do see good qualities in him...many of them...that make me feel like he's going to be ok, and this is just something he's going to have to just get through.
I am really praying this psycologist will really be able to reach him, connect with him an dbe a blessing. I feel he will because he's a strong christian man, and he's got a really good long standing reputation here. It sounds like you and your husband have done a good job with both your kids. Your daughter will be ok too.
I was terrible when I was younger, my family situation was completely diffrent than my son's at his age.
I know alot of the trouble's he's had were my fault though too, because honestly I am a diffrent, "better mom" now that I was when my older son was younger.
I was doing pretty well during the marriage, but then the divorce, that was rough.
My guy was only 3, he didn't understand too much, and for him, he missed his dad. His dad attacked me while we lived at the DV shelter, so he went to jail for only 8 days, and was able ot get out, on a 75,000 bond for a sexual assault charge, because of he said she said stuff. That was hard for me to to go through.
It was just hard...financialy, emotionaly, and I felt very ashamed of myself, for staying with my ex as long as I had...and "allowing" the abuse to go on, by not leaving after the first time he hurt me. (or the second, or 20th time...)
It was actually because of my son that I was even able to leave.
He had hit me with the car while I was holding our son. I finally put a restraining order on him, and filed for the divorce. Then the DV shelter for 7 mo.
(He'd been a 'good christian man' too. Gone to Oral Robert's University, had a nice family in Missourri, brother's a well known doctor...his dad was a doctor.Heck, he knew the bible backwards and forwards. infact, he used to even.."rebuke me in Jesus Name' if he felt i was being disobeddient.)
I wouldn't go to church for years after that...I didn't have my son around people who I knew really did love the Lord. Infact, I used my ex's garbage, that I knew wasn't right or from God, or from a heart that loved God, to convince me for years, that it was fine for me to not go to church, or read the Bible, or even behave or live like I was a christian. Infact, I went out of my way to "try" to act like it didn't matter...so I tried to be a "real adult"...I drank, went out to bars with friends, the few feiends I met weren't saved, or really didn't have any moral center. They were the ones saying if I just got out a little, met a man, "got some" and on and on I would feel better. I knew better, but I still went through several months of acting like a royal idiot.
Actually years of acting like one...only a few months of the drinking garbage though. Then I left that scene, got serious real fast when all the stuff happened with my son. That was pretty sobering. Then I moved, got him into counseling went through about 2 years or being a nice responsible mommy again, started feeling better about my self again. Tthen we moved, had a job offer I couldn't pass up (I thought, now I wish I had)then we had no one, then we got into a terrible car accident, 2 weeks after we moved, real bad one.Totaled the car that only had 2 payments left on it. I was a nanny for a family I adored, real rich family...but they bought me a car, and suddenly I had to pay them back. They had gotten my apartment, paid my moving expences...I suddenly had now way to get around, we were in Chicago in the middle of winter. Without a soul we knew other than this family...that then, didn't even offer to pick us up from the hospital and we both had concusions. I just did somethings to get money that I am not proud of. I worked for them for 2 yrs. no one else ever knew for years, accept for God, and my son. (my husband knows, but you know what I mean)
So that's all in the past though, I know it's been forgiven, but still, it hurts to know when push came to shove, I didn't trust God, at a time when it really counted. I wasn't a good example and my son remembers a lot of it. He knows it happened a long time ago, that I was wrong, and my husband and i have actually really talked to him about it, he kows I've told him I am sorry and that it was wrong. ect. but still now I am little Mrs Respectable, doing things "the right way" or at least trying for about the last 3 1/2 years...since my husband and I redecticated our lives back to God. Then it was just 2 weeks later my little guy was diagnosed with cf.  then a roller coster and here we are folks.
I know all the things you said, are true. It's just at this point in my life it's all a bit over whelming. I am repsonsible for them both as a parent. They are both a huge gift...
I just want them to be alright. Everyone has their stuff they've got to go through I guess.
Thanks for caring. It's gonna be ok, somehow.
Helpful - 0
203342 tn?1328737207
I think you're acting like a perfectly normal mother. We all worry about our kids and want the best for them. I understand some of what you're going through. Some of this stuff is normal teen immaturity, some of it probably is from what he was exposed to when he was younger. I don't normally share these kinds of things with people but I think it might make you feel better. My son got curious and checked out some pornographic sites when he was in 6th grade. We sat him down and had a long talk with him. We talked about how demeaning these things are to woman and how God wants sex to be something beautiful between a man and wife who love each other, that it was never meant to be dirty. We kept it calm and went over everything we could think of. He didn't know a girl could get pregnant if she wasn't married! We thought we had really gotten through to him and I think we did, however, kids do some pretty dumb things because the just don't have that maturity yet. They tend to be very impulsive. They've actually done studies where they say that teenagers brains aren't fully developed (I think it's the frontal lobe which controls impulses, etc.) until they're in they're early twenties. That explains why they can be so impulsive and do dumb things a lot! Anyway, when he was around 15 or 16 we discovered he was actually talking online with someone we believe was a sexual predator. He was pretending to be a girl and thought it was all some big joke. He honestly thought it was just another teenager playing along with him. When we explained our concerns and how we believed this was a predator, he was shocked and embarresed. We put a moniter on our computer that moniters everything, every site visited, every email, everything. It was the best $100 we ever spent. Yes, he did some dumb things. He also went joy riding with a friend at a sleepover when he was 15 and didn't have a liscense yet! I thank God that he watched over him and he wasn't hurt. Anway, I just wanted to tell you that my son is now almost 19 (in two weeks) and I couldn't be prouder of him. He's grown up so much. I really saw a maturity in him starting in his senior year. He has now finished his first year of college and lives at home. He has grown into a thoughtful, compassionate young man who helps me around the house and gives me hugs. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He made some wonderful Christian kids when he started going to the community college here. They're all good kids and they go out to the movies and laser tag, etc. They don't go out drinking and acting wild. He's very gentle and loving to his little brother (age 3) and I can tell he will be a wonderful father someday.
Of course now I have a daughter who is going through the difficult teen years but that's a WHOLE other story! I keep telling myself that in a few years she'll settle down (like my son did) once she gains a little maturity.
The important thing is to keep loving him and being that example for him. Keep talking to him. Keep him in situations where he's around other good kids who can be a good influence on him (like your church youth group). And stay consistent. Oh and don't worry too much about him seeming unconcerned about you and his little brother in the hospital. Again, part of that is immaturity and probably not understanding the seriousness of things. Part of that is that teenagers are natorious (sp?) narcissists, as our counselor puts it, lol! But he's right. They are pretty self-centered for awhile. One idea is to take him to a soup kitchen or something once in awhile to serve the homeless or volunteer with Habitat For Humanity. Check and see if your youth group goes on missions trips. Our church took the teens to Mexico to build houses for the poor and they came back changed! They had never seen such poverty. It made them realize how good they have it with their ipods and game systems.
It sounds like you are a very caring mother who is very intuned to her child. He is lucky to have a mom who cares! He may not appreciate it or understand it right now but he will when he's older. Just hang in there. Those teen years are awfully rocky!
God bless you and I'll be praying for you and your son too. Take care.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your comments. I think you have some good suggestions.
I wasn't sure if I had made something sound like I had pulled him out of counseling after only a few sessions, I just wanted to let you kow I hadn't done that. But I do agree with you that he will need this long term this time. One hard part, is the $. We have it covered right now, but ony 10 more sessions are covered. I am doing another benefit soon, to try and help with expences for both boys. (feeding therapy for little stuff, and help with counseling for my older one.)
Just to let you know, the 3rd time he was in counseling, it was forr 6 months, and the counselor had assessed the situation and felt he was doing better, and wasn't seeing him weekly any more, only every other week the last two months... My other son was having trouble, and I had just had my 2nd miscarriage.
So that was when we stopped the counseling, and I didn't even intentially try to stop it, I had figured after the evaluation we'd go back after he had received the evaluation form the Dr's. But then once we did that, (and it was super expensive and not covered by out ins.)those Dr's said no, that he shouldn't see just a 'counselor" that he needed to be seen by a phycologist that specialized in this sort of thing.
When I pulled him out of school in Oct '06, it was because he'd gotten in trouble 2 times with in 3 weeks, told he'd be arrested. (once for pulling a boy's finger backwards, so they said it was physical assault, the other for staring at that girl) in the same month, and his grades had gone form an a and b down to failing 4 classes with in a matter of 3 and a half weeks. I just felt like he wasn't even trying on anything. I am sure I shouldn't have taken him out, but I just felt so desperate.  He's such an incredible person, he's smart, creative, funny, artistic...a really good writer, loves math...plays the gautiar.
But he was just being SO RUDE to teachers in kind of a passive agressive way, then openly rude to kids at the school...to us at home. Mainly more to me than my husband. He'd never been rude to him, but me, I'd get the brunt of all his venting. The Dr. said it was becuse he felt 'safe' with me. So for that I could take it, but still.
I was just afraid he'd get arrested. Get himself into a worse situation. I am sure a lot of my fears I have for him, are also that i don't want him to make the same mistakes I did at that age. Mine were pretty bad, and effected me for years after it was over. I just was seeing him doing the same behaviors, the lying, being minipulative and sneakiny...insincere, callused...not much of a contience. So I guess I was thinking that maybe if he was home with dear 'ol mom, he'd appreicte school better, want to try harder. I had him doing assignments on poorer area's, we talked alot about the kids in Defur, Africa or the Holucost. We read the book "Night" (was an Oprah book club I think, written by  Ellie Wisell, terrible but gripping stopry of the hulocost.) Then my son wrote the author a letter telling im what he felt about it all. For the things like that, he says it was a good experience that he was home. But still, I should have just had him stay in school. If he got in trouble, then he's just have to face that I guess.
We do go to a nice church, and he does go to the youth group almost every Wed night.
He also goes to a camp, (he just got back last week)where he get's to help with the other younger kids. He likes it, and the directors are all aware of his situation.(he's never alone with the kids, and is a 'helper' to the staff guy that's in there. They seperate the bos form the girls for most activities.) They always compliment him though and say he does really well.
I get scared though. To let him go places, or do too many things with the other kids. He always wants to,  but I am afraid he'll do something innapropreate, or something. Just last Aug, right after my miscarriage I had blood clots in my lungs and was in the hsoptial almost died. It scared the tar out of me. Them barely 2 weeks after i was out of the hospital and my little one got terribly sick and I had to stay with him in the hsoptial. My oldest came over to hang out with us, said he wanted to go use the computer downstairs, so I called to the study/libray there in the hospital and asked if there was an age restriction. I told themI was sending my 12 yr old son doen to get on the children's computer. They said fine. He went down there, got on a regualr computer, and "googled" the word 'boobs' over 100 times. I came down once my husband was there to stay with the baby, and  I walked in behind my son, and saw waht he was doing. He tried to cover it up, but there was a mother right o the oter side of his cubical, and about 6 adults in there yet he was checking out boobs in a children's hospital, while his brother was sick as a dog upstairs.
It's stuff like that that freaks me out. Like he doesn't have normal 'breaks" as the Dr's said.
I did sign him up and he did play scocer for a season on a team, last year and he really liked that. The next one was basketball. He didn't seem to connect with it as well, and he liked the practice better than the games. He still was glad he tried.
His real dad moved to Missouri several years ago. First with wife 2 (the one with the kids that hurt him) he moved to Michagin, then they divorced, he moved back to AZ for almost 6 months,then left again and this time is in St. Louis somewhere. My husband really loves my son a lot. he does. But he's also rally frusterated when we'd get the phone calls form school. "He's in the office again"
Right now things are pretty mellow, but I am not about to stop the counseling. I talked to our blue cross insurance, and they said they could offer a speicla contract to his Dr. if he was willing to sign on for him, since it's to be long term. I haven't heard back yet if the Dr. took it or not.
It would be a huge blessing if he would, because then it would be a co-pay only.
Are you a mom on here or a counselor or something?  (both?)
It's just this feeling for me like I am scared he's going to miss how speical he is...and settle for less than what he could do or be.
I know I have to accept him just whre he is now. I keep trying, and I do truely love him no matter what.
Say a little prayer, would ya? Do you thik it's wrong for me to feel so protective/worried? I don't only worry about him, but other kids too.
Well, thank you though for listening and your help/care.
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212795 tn?1194952574
I think he needs consistent counseling services, meaning don't take him out after a couple of visits - make him go for the next couple of years.  This can be explained to him as a way for him to have someone to talk to about his life.  In addition, its not surprising that it is difficult for him right now.  He is 13 and going through puberty and this probably brings up a lot of feelings for him right now.  Also, he needs opportunities to learn healthy social interactions with other children.  This may be difficult at first.  It wouldn't be a bad idea to get him involved in a sport or club.  This will be very positive for him and make him feel good about himself.  You can also ask the counselor about teenage counseling groups, or if you attend a church a church youth group.  All of these are good ways for him to learn how to interact with others.

I think your son struggles socially, and what will impact his improvement the most right now is consistency.  Don't keep pulling him in and out of things.  Let him learn.

Best wishes to you and your family.  I can tell you have been under a lot of stress with this.  Also, I think he could use his father right now, but it sounds like his father has not protected him.  How is his relationship with step dad?
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