missing mommy? 4yr old

My wife and I seperated about 3 months ago. I have been getting her every saturday night and once or twice out of the week. We have a good time, and most of the time we are interacting by drawing painting and playing shoppong etc. Last week I was really sick and my wife didn't believe me. She argued on the phone with me and I didn't want to get my daughter sick so I told her I couldn't take her.
Now she has done this once before, but since this last incident she has done the following much more. She plays and then tells me she doesn't want to stay the night. She crys and crys untill she throws up. I've tried being firm and then I give in because she keeps tourchering herself with these spells.
I want to know what is it that makes her want to go home all the time. Is it because she heard us arguing? Does her mom talk bad in front of her making my daughter feel the same way her mom does?

Thank you,
Brad

[flutts]

Have you asked your 4 yr old why she would'nt want to sleep over?

Maybe doing something fun like painting her room at your place with glow in the dark paint during the  day, with anticipation of seeing what it'll look like after it's dark out would make her want to stay the night, and perhaps that would lead to easier overnight visits in the future.

Try to make spending the night at your place the most fun you can think of!

[Bradparent]

Thank you for your input. I have tried to make it fun. We play "build a tent" and grocery shopping, etc. We can have a great time she just always wants to go home. Her mom is kinda sick and has been going to the doctor and may have to have surgery for a sist on her ovary. I think that maybe my daughter knows that her mom is sick and doesn't want to leave her due to her being sick.?

I thank you for your help,

Brad

[Jenlag]

Sounds like her homelife is really ruffled right now.  I would suggest talking to her and explaining the difference between daddy's house and mommy's house.  Did your wife stay in the family home?  If you are in a different place, it may just be that your daughter is accustomed to being "home".  I would recommend not giving in.  She needs to beginning adjusting and adapting to the change in her life.  Best of luck to you and your daughter!

[jashull79]

I have been through the same thing. I was a stepmom to a 6year old girl. When she would come over, when it started to turn night, she thought that she was going home and when she realized that she was at our house for the weekend, she would start the fits, screaming for mommy, claiming her tummy hurt. Well we slowly found out that she went to bed when she wanted to at mommy's. She pretty much ran the show at her moms. We stuck to our guns and didn't let her get away with the fits. It took her alittle while to adjust  and she did make herself vomit acouple times. But she slowly found out that we weren't going to put up with it. Good Luck

[Trialanderror]

Don`t take your daughter`s urge to be "home" to sleep personal, it is very normal. Even if she enjoys every precious minute of play with you and regardless of arguments between your ex-wife and you - a child and most people have a sense of where their "main bed" is. She will miss her surroundings at night that she is used to fall asleep in, certain toys, smells, music.
My son - who is 5 - did go through times like these as well until roughly age 5. It was tough on his dad who had spent time to create a nice room for him. Well, none of that truly mattered to my son. When night came and all of the next day, I learned that my son would more or less sit by the window to wait for me. It wasn`t so much that he missed me but his regular home.
Well, eventually we all sat down and figured out which bedtime rituals, which security items - like stuffed animals or blankets - which books were the most important ones for our son. And which kind of breakfast, bath toy etc. Important items were then shipped back and forth between the houses. But the most important thing turned out to be the phone. I asked my son`s daddy to let him call me whenever he wanted to during his absence. Initially his dad felt it was an extra burden that would destroy the bond he was trying to develop - but it worked for our son. The few minutes of chit-chat with him now and then were all it took to make him feel it was an exciting adventure to be with his dad. Nowadays he doesn`t even bother calling anymore but he still asks if he is supposed to spend a whole night. As long as he knows ahead of time, he is fine. I think you are doing the right thing not to enforce the overnights. Even though some here recommend to put your foot down, I feel it is not an issue of will power but emotional security. We chose to give our son some choice  If he really wants to be home, he can. The last thing we wanted was him feeling like he is being transplanted back and forth against his will. It works in the long run. They appreciate it even at age 4...
As for the arguments you are having with your ex-wife - is it that she wants a "guaranteed two nights off" per week or why was you being sick an issue? My son`s dad was sick too last week and prefered not to see him then. All we do is shuffle the dates. Maybe you can explain to your daughter`s mom that flexibility is important in thsi whole constellation. Sure, there were times when my son`s dad dropped him off 6 hours sooner than I expected for said resons and I was in the middle of work and cleaning and fixing - but for my son I drop anything of course.
You`re doing the right thing.

[Jenlag]

A friend of mine told me a story of a couple who separated and in an effort to make the transition easy on the child, they made sure the child had an identical bedroom at each home.  This way everytime the child awoke, her surroundings were the same, regardless of which home she was at.  This proved to be effective for that child, but again, all children are different.  I thought it was a neat solution.  (She even had all the same toys).
Good luck!