my 10 year old step sons lies

[carrie_9]

hi I need some advice on a problem my 10 year old step son's lying. He lives with his Mom and we have him on the weekends. His Mom always tells lies when she feels it is necessary (I am not trying to knock her..I have tried to talk to her about this but she is unfortunatly a compulsive liar..I hate to say this because it makes me sound like the evil step Mom but it is the truth..she has lied about having cancer...to her landlord on why she can't pay rent..jobs she has lost because she doesn't show up...borrowing money because people..gov't ripping her off..it's constant.) My step son thinks of this as it being normal to lie. He is very loved here and he knows it and loves to come here. I have a 9 and 11 year old and they ask me why my step son can't own up to things. They know when he is lying.... although they know when he is lying and prove to him that he is... my stepson will not budge and continues the lies. We are going to have him see a counsellor in the near future but I would like to know if there is anything we can do in the mean time to help him ( there is a waiting period before we can have him see someone.) He knows we love him very much but he seems to think this is the norm..any advice would be apprieciated..Thanks..CD

[aim7407]

Hey there,  I feel for you. It sounds a real shame that your step son's Mom is lying constantly. And you're right in stating that if he sees her do this, it's only rational that he'll think it's acceptable not because he doesn't know right from wrong, I think he knows lying is wrong, but because she does it, and gets away with it, so he figures he can too.  I think the counseling is a good idea, as those people are well trained at how to reach children.  In the mean time, you pointed out that you catch him in lies, and are absolutly certain he's lying, and if that's the case, whether he owns up to it and admits it or not, you still need to punish him. The next time he lies, I would tell him, even when he denies it, that since he has lied so many times,  he has broken the trust in the relationship, and that you are going to punish him. I would take away priveleges, such as TV ,  video games, ground him, or any other way you can think of  to let him know he can't lie and get away with it.  If you're sure he's lying don't listen to him when he says you can't punish him because he's telling the truth.  He'll try to weasel his way out of it, but if he sees that no matter how much he lies,   there are continual concequences for this, maybe he'll change his behavior. I know you only have him a limited time like you said on the weekends,  but even if it's just while he's there for the weekend,  try to remain vigilant in teaching him this lesson. If you have a family outing planned, or something special planned for him, and he lies, let him know that he won't be going or doing, if he lies. And stand firm, don't let him cry or beg his way out of being punished.  I hope this helps,  good luck

[ShaolinZen]

I agree with aim7407 here, as an addition it may be helpful to tell him a story or show him a film that contains strong morals about lying. God role-models are important and this does not really have to be role-models who are well known for 'not lying', I think that would be too difficult, but at his age I am sure he may be interested in stories from history or historical/modern role-models (such as Mandela etc), if you can interest him in people who have stood up against adversity you may be able to show him that these people stood up against societies lies. These kind of interests can 'save' a young man from flling into the trap of lying for personal gain. Hope I made sense! Its a crazy suggestion but might be helpful!

[ShaolinZen]

^^^^By 'God role-models' I meant GOOD role-models'!!!