my 4 year old son doesn't listen and behave

[ange0108]

Hi, I am a mother of 3 boys 13, 5,,4 years. I am divorced and my  boys have been though a lot. I am now currently in a relationship for the last 2 years. I have raised these boys on my own I am also putting my self through school I am currently 6 months pregnant my fiancee has been helping me raise them and he has been good with them, however we have been having a lot of behaviour problems with my 4 year old. he is very smart understand very well actions and consequences from the day he was born he has been a strong independent out going leader did his own thing and never cared about what other kids or people thought. If liked it or he wanted to play on his own he did he has a hugh loving heart but he can be such a mean out spoken person and will argue with you he is very cunning and an amazing lier he can convince of anything and he is so accurate with his story and detailed and consistent.  I f he his not in control or not getting his way the temper pours out. I have tried everything with him except taking him to a psychiatrist  I refuse to put put him on medication I believe that there is a tool or strategy that I use and in force and that will work their brains are like sponges we can teach them and help change things. There is a bridge or gap between his receptors receiving the message and doing it. I have to fight yell and scream I pulling my hair out of my head I'm crying every night and feeling so guilty. His behaviour has gotten to the point where its completely out of control he has ran out of the day care on 2 occasions I was told one more episode and he will get kicked out so since I have done the sticker chart time outs grounding in the room taking privileges away from him and rewarding for good behaviour and lots of encouragement and praise on good days and recognizing little good behaviours nothing worked it all started with him being destructive  breaking everything in the home from closet doors to climbing on the tv and breaking it scratching the screen tv to running out of his time out as for this summer chancing kids with a butcher knife slicing my window screens to sneaking out of the house to play outside at 6am while where still sleeping they shut our door and tippy toed out the door, both 4, and 5 year old destroying there 13 year old brother's stuff. last christmas they went into our room took all the gifts went to the basement and opened them all and ruined christmas for everyone. Colouring on the walls. Sneaking down stairs into the fridge and cupboards eating all the school snacks and destroying the fridge. Since then they both started to get better and now my 5 year old from time to time will defy me however since I have been back in school full time and working night almost full time I have not been able to spend as much time as I use to and we find him worse for the last 4 months I am almost done school I will be done in January 11,2011 but now that he got kicked out of daycare not sure. I find my self constantly arguing and fighting with him about bed time he finds ever excuse to stay up I just tell him thats enough Terek it bed time now, and I  take him by the hand and guide him to his bed he will give me excuse like I need to pee I need a drink of water I'm hungry I didn't finish my food I need a sleep toy i need to pee again, I need to a kiss good night I just need to tell you something, I need to pooh,.,  and so and I will continue to take him by his hand and take back to his bed by the 4 time  I say nothing it pisses him of but we do his every night from 2 to 4 hours every night. he is choosing not to listen and doesn't care what I have to say or why he needs to go to bed. I just need a tool on how to get him to listen to me and understand he must and has to listen not just to me but other people other authority such as his teacher and at daycare and running away from the daycare is not an option, He knows its dangerous and know the consequences but yet chooses to defy them and now he is becoming violent , hitting throwing things saying fowl language f this you mother f., Im going to kill you I hate you. I ask him to a simple task and he chooses not to listen or his favourite saying is I wont do it again whenI disciplined him he says mommy I'm  sorry I promise I wont do it anymore I'm going to listen I am going to behave  Please mommy. and I try to explain he needs to show me or needs to prove it and he says he will if I let him off his time out he try's to negotiate with me and he will pull out arguments and reason  to get out of it and get his way. Please can you help me......

[Sandman2]

  Hi ange0108,
Sorry, for this short post, but I have been spending a lot of time answering a post that is in many ways similar to yours.  Please take a look at the posts.  Some of the answers won't be relevant, but many are.  The post is here - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/someone-PLEASE-help-me/show/1414278#post_6454112
     Also realize that if you do seek professional help.  They can not make you medicate.  In fact a psychologist is not licensed to do so.  And that is where I would start if you have the choice.  According to Consumers Report, a pediatrician is much more likely to medicate and less likely to give counseling advice.  Hope this helps.  I would add more about working with smart kids, but it is late here.  Best wishes.

[ange0108]

Thank you again I will talk to his doctor, however I don't think nor feel medicating him will help in any shape. I truly don't believe in sedating or medicating a young child especially when you can still teach the brain and learn new things their brains are sponges growing at a rapid rate developing in new ways so I feel we can use that. He is va very smart and bright child he picks things up quick and learns quick but only when he wants to and when it benefits him.

[AnnieBrooke]

As I said, a therapist would help.  The problems are severe enough that you need someone who can give you some ideas for the most appropriate way to handle them.

[ange0108]

Thank you for you feed back.. That's we thought too after him running away from daycare before he got kicked out I began picking both younger boys from daycare and I spend the rest of the day with them. And I try to spend a min. of 15 min eachThat's we thought too after him running away from daycare before he got kicked out I began picking both younger boys from daycare and I spend the rest of the day with them. And I try to spend a min. of 15 min each child and before bed time we always have down time to relax and unwise just before bed. An I will cuddle with them, but when he misbehaves I have to disaplent him which takes time away from them.
child and before bed time we always have down time to relax and unwise just before bed. An I will cuddle with them, but when he misbehaves I have to disaplent him which takes time away from them.

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a therapist.  It sounds like your pregnancy is just one thing too many for the third child out of three (soon to be four).  He probably doesn't feel he gets enough of your attention as it is, and now there will be a new rival for your time and attention.