my 6 year old son has behaviour problems

[andy1006]

my 6 year old son has behaviour problems he hits kicks spits shouts breaks things he is out of control at home i also have a 5 year old and 3 yer old who copies him we have tried every discipline but nothing seems to work his behaviour can be good at school but school is picking up on his behaviour with me and his mum he does have speeach problems but school think he could have learning disabilties what could they be and could it be adhd he has beconme hard to control we dont know what to do with him now

[margypops]

It may also be a good idea to try ignoring him when he does throw a tantrum, instead of feeding into it, so he actually has one whilst you are playing with him in the park ? Are you getting some help with the speech problem we have a forum for speech and language on Med Help, check it out.,it could be frustration making the matter worse .Good luck

[specialmom]

Okay, got it.  I'm going to suggest that you place your name on the list to have your son evaluated by a developmental specialist.  I'd urge you to try to see an occupational therapist.  Not engaging with a game that is physical or otherwise would indicate that it is difficult for him and he avoids it.  His speech problems go along that line of thinking as well.  Don't assume he has adhd because other things like sensory integration disorder can look like that.  

Again, I am completely thrown off by his ability to attend and stay focused in school.  Due to this, I would also suggest a psychological evaluation as well.  Don't panic----------  I'm not saying that something is terribly wrong with your boy but I think that you must begin to unravel this puzzle.  

There are two options-----------  he has some type of internal difficulty or there is something about your home life that stresses him.  His ability to maintain behavior at school shows that he CAN control himself but does not at home.  You really need some professional guidance to figure out what is behind this.  

Sign him up for swim lessons.  You will not be in charge of it and he will have someone else telling him what to do (as in school).  This activity provides deep pressure, heavy muscle work through resistance, and overall exercise.  I'd sign him up for one or two times a week--------- 2 is better.  It is a known activity to calm a child.  

good luck and try some of the other anger management techniques I mentioned.

[andy1006]

if we play a game with him after 5 mins he will stand up and go off on one and thats it for the day he wont wont to do anything else we have tried to tirer him out at park but that wont work either and he does have a speach problem and if we ask him why he starts when its just me and him he just says dont no and says he will behave and then start again its like he cant sit for more then 5 mins and i will try the activities to see what happens and thanks for all your comments they mean alot to me and my partner

[specialmom]

I also wanted to say that I wasn't speaking of attention so much as targeted actvities that are known to calm the nervous system.  I do not doubt that you try hard as a parent-----  but if he is struggling, you have to find out what is underneath it.  Even if you do not do that, then try these activities that I've suggested. Fishing is not on the list even though that is great for a fun activity with dad.  I am talking about muscle work done each and every day.  I'm talking about games and activities that are going to quiet his nervous system and result in less outbursts.  The activity has to be each day and not saved for weekends.  It can be the key to better behavior.  Anyway, please re read my post as your post makes me think you might not have read it carefully.

And agreed, you need to chart what happens right before the outbursts and get a handle on what is going on.  good luck

[margypops]

Thats why the problem seems to lie at home you say he is not as bad at school,  I still ask what happens to trigger the behaviors of kicking and spitting ,has he seen this in anyone else ?.

[andy1006]

we have tried everything we spoil him and give him efection and tell him if hes good he can go swimming at weekends or fishing with with me {his dad} and once he get a treat he will just go wild and all of our kids get treated the same as each other its like he is in a different world from us and at time he will start at school but not like he does at home its miner at school but soon as we leave the school gates he will start by running of shouting and pushing his sister or little brother

[specialmom]

Hi,  sometimes an overactive nervous system can result in behavior issues such as you describe.  You usually see them at school as well (which would most likely be the case with adhd) unless he is "holding it together" until he gets to his safe place---------- which is home.

It is also hard when you have young kids all close together in age---------  I have two boys that are 15 months apart.  

My oldest son has an issue with his nervous system and processing called sensory integration disorder.  I'm a bit thrown off to suggest your son has this as he has the issues primarily at home but none the less, I would google it and see what you think  Speech is often associated with sensory integration disorder as motor planning is part of the sensory system and affects speech. It affects it 3 ways----------  articulation (which is actually the oral motor muscles), but also organization/understanding of what comes in (receptive speech) and organization of what goes out (expressive).  All areas are control by motor planning.  Any thing a bit off and speech can be difficult.  I'd suspect you'd also see some issue with fine motor things such as pencil grip.  

Anyway, sensory can look like adhd but is treated differently.  Medication does not work but instead activities that calm/soothe and organize the nervous system are done.  Also work on lifeskills (those fine motor things, eating, etc.) and behavior issues are addressed.  An occupational therapist is the one who treats it.  I just mention this for something to look into.

Either way, I think some changes in the home life dynamic are called for.  I would absolutely look for triggers to the outbursts (which with 2 siblings close in age, there will be many!)--------- and then I'd look for ways to help him manage his anger better.  The speech issue can be part of it.  I'd check out books from the library on feelings/emotions written for kids.  Talk to him about these emotions. Even play a game with all the kids acting out different emotions and putting the words in place for them.  Then encourage him to use his words.  I'd also have calming techniques set up for him.  A cool down spot in the house would be good.  An enclosed space is great like a pop tent, under a table, etc. (we just use a corner that has a chair in front of it and a bunch of pillows there)-------  so he can go to this place as he feels himself getting mad (talk about what it feels like as he is starting to get mad)------  no one can talk or bother him when he is there.  It is his spot to calm down in.  So instead of the outburst, encourage him to go to his cool down spot.  Other calming things to offer are a piece of gum, counting to 10, breathing in and out deeply, opening and closing hands into fists, and using his words to say what is wrong.  

Check out the book "Hands are not for hitting" and put in anything you like, feet are not for kicking, mouths are not for spitting-----------  and read this book several times to all the kids.  And do this with all the kids so he doesn't feel singled out and they get the message as well.  I will tell you that a child like this needs you to be as calm as possible with them.  If you escalate, he will.  If you hit, he will.  If you yell, he will.

I also tell my sons that if they yell, I will not talk to them.  I ignore them completely until they use a regular voice to speak to me.  Why that works, I do not know--------- but it has for me.

I can give you the stress/anger thermometer if you would like, let me know.  It is a way for a child to see themselves that they are escalating into anger and to do things themselves to stop it.

Last, I can not say enough about activity and games that help calm the nervous system.  Your son needs to be outside (even if it is cold) every single day running, jumping, climbing, etc.  I'd set up obstacle courses in the house where he crawls, jumps, runs, etc.  I'd sign him up for indoor swim lessons (the perfect calming activity for the nervous system), get him in soccer, etc.  Ask him to help you move a chair in the house.  Ask him to carry some books for you.  Load a laundry basket full of weighted items and ask him to push it across the floor.  Put a mattress on the floor and let him jump on it like a trampoline.  These types of things are called "heavy work" in the occupational therapy world and calm a child's system down.  Essential for good behavior.

Well, good luck!  

[margypops]

Can he hear okay have you had him tested ? What happens prior to him kicking etc, as he is good at school it would seem the problem is in the home , what triggers the behaviors would you say, what is he upset about?

[mooksmom]

Really not enough information to tell you much, but one thing does stick out to me, as a childcare person....2 other kids just a few years apart. Kids will get the attention they need/want even if they have to act out to do so. IF he can behave at school, I'd be looking at home. Yes, the younger kids will copy him...if they see him getting attention for the out of control behaviors. Kids that age do not have the verbal skills or knowledge to tell parents what they need.
Maybe some one on one time with Dad is a good place to start...just you and him....regularly...that is the key.