my 9yr daughter WON'T stop lying!

[jms508]

My daughter just turned 9 years old 2 weeks ago. She is amazingly bright, loving, nurturing, and very energetic!! Recently however she has started lying ALL THE TIME!! If she told me the truth at this point I think I would die. If she doesn't flat lie about it she says "I forgot," even if I wrote it down for her! It has really become a strain on my life (I busted into tears yesterday when I came home from getting dinner for us and she "forgot" to take our dog out and he pooped in the hallway!) She lies about what she eats, what her homework is, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair...it really doesn't matter, my lists would go on and on. I have tried everything, I took her DS away 2 weeks ago, she lost her laptop then too, she is only allowed to watch TV on the weekends but she shows no remorse and I don't know why! I ask her why she is lying and she shrugs her shoulders at me, I even give her a chance to redeem herself when I know she is lying, and she could go either way. I didn't raise her to be like this and it's killing me to worry that she is going to be a "problem child." Both myself and her step dad are honest and blunt to a fault. We try to make a good life for her (we don't drink,smoke, or do any drugs.) She has a great home life and when she is good we reward her, but that is few and far between. I recently found out that am pregnant but she is over the top happy about it. I have even tried talking to her to see if she is upset or jealous about the baby and she seems fine, I think she is more excited than me! I just don't understand where things went wrong. If anyone can help/give advice/suggest I should bring her to a Dr. please tell me ASAP - I can't fight with her all through my pregnancy. Thank you in advance!!!

[HeyDave0177]

I can't explain how relieved I am to have found something online in reference to this.  I have a 12 year old boy, who won't quit lying and won't stop taking things that don't belong to him.  Focusing only on the lying, we've tried to enforce that the truth should always be told, regardless of the consequences.  If you break a house (or school) rule or do anything you know you weren't or aren't supposed to do, there is a penalty or punishment for it.  You own up to your mistakes and pay the consequences.  Some worse than others, depending on how bad it is.  Lying is one of the things you aren't supposed to do in my home.  We also try to teach him that his word is his bond.  If he tells someone he is going to do something, hold it as if were gold and stick to it.  Once he starts going against his own word, people will tend not to believe in him quite as much, since he doesn't stick to what he says.  Once you get classified as a liar, it will be difficult to change people's perception and the worst thing is, even when you are telling the truth until you are blue in the face, people won't believe you.  I've done the "taking away of privileges" when he doesn't follow the rules and tells lies.  I've also done the "show praise" when he does something positive or something that shows good character.  But the behavior persists.  And the lying continues.  I've read all the comments on here and I am one of those people, when they were a child, got whoopin's.  Dad was glad to hand them out, if necessary.  We never wanted to see those days, so we (my siblings and I) always made it a point to never get into trouble or thought two or three times before doing something we knew we weren't supposed to.  Because we knew what the consequences would be facing my father (and mother).  I tried putting myself in my son's shoes.  I was a kid once, I understand the lying.  I've done it as a adolescent.  But not to the degree he is at.  And I can understand his dilemma.  His thought process is "if I lie and get caught, I'm in trouble; If I tell the truth about something I wasn't supposed to do, I get in trouble"....so perhaps to him, its a lose/lose situation.  So, what do you do as a parent?  If he tells you the truth about something he shouldn't have done, don't punish him for it?  Even though its something that's been discussed in the past as something not to do, but he has just repeatedly done over & over & over again?  I've heard people explain this theory and I don't totally understand it.  If you break a rule, including lying, there is a price to pay...a consequence.  I feel that is what should be reinforced.  You steal or rob a bank, you go to jail.  I think they (kids) should understand and learn to accept that if you do something you're not supposed to do, there is a consequence for it.  You pay the consequence.  You evaluate what you've done, learn from it and do your hardest not to make the same mistake again.  I want my child to learn and adopt this theory or understanding.  I'm afraid if he doesn't, that later on down the road, there will be drugs involved or I will get a call from a girl's parent saying my son got their daughter pregnant.  I understand we're all human and we will continue to make mistakes to the grave, but to make the same ones, over and over again, is just shooting yourself in the foot.

[yepi1]

I am a parent I grew up the other way..I agree 100%..they shall follow my rules and do as I say when I say it..letting them have control over their lives is as lazy as it gets....as far as her luring let me just say don't give up it may be a long drawn out ordeal but if u stay on top of it she will thank u in the long run..I was raised if u lie u get to hold soap in your mouth stand in the corner..after a spanking I disagree with beating them but people tilt toe around woopins like they are the worst ... I say stay strong and steady it will turn out good for you both...now back to spankings I know a lot of kids that could use a lot more..I say. They act out for attention give it to them just. Make them not want that kind...I turned out great and I thank my mom my dad my step dad and everyone for the spankings I got..this gentle way of trying to get inside your kids head to raise them is a step in the wronged direction..lying is wrong ..so is stealing..what would you do if your. Kid was curseing you stealing let go and let them chose...we are the parents not the kids. Or the Dr.  All I can say is people man. Up. Spank them when they need it praise them when they don't.we are the ones to teach right and wrong so do so..I will be darned if my kid will go out into life lying or. Stealing because I let go..

[yepi1]

I am a parent I grew up the other way..I agree 100%..they shall follow my rules and do as I say when I say it..letting them have control over their lives is as lazy as it gets....as far as her luring let me just say don't give up it may be a long drawn out ordeal but if u stay on top of it she will thank u in the long run..I was raised if u lie u get to hold soap in your mouth stand in the corner..after a spanking I disagree with beating them but people tilt toe around woopins like they are the worst ... I say stay strong and steady it will turn out good for you both...now back to spankings I know a lot of kids that could use a lot more..I say. They act out for attention give it to them just. Make them not want that kind...I turned out great and I thank my mom my dad my step dad and everyone for the spankings I got..this gentle way of trying to get inside your kids head to raise them is a step in the wronged direction..lying is wrong ..so is stealing..what would you do if your. Kid was curseing you stealing let go and let them chose...we are the parents not the kids. Or the Dr.  All I can say is people man. Up. Spank them when they need it praise them when they don't.we are the ones to teach right and wrong so do so..I will be darned if my kid will go out into life lying or. Stealing because I let go..

[allmymarbles]

I stand with RockRose and I have a batch of children and lots of grandchildren. Some phases can be very annoying, but they pass. Also the girl may be on the edge of puberty and that is no fun for her.

[LisaRe]

I understand your advice about "letting go", but at ages 9 & 10 is not the appropriate time for parents to let go.  Children need guidance more than ever before they start adolescence.  To ignore bad behavior and not help them overcome the need to be dishonest only leads to more destructive behavior problems when they become older.  You never stop being a parent and it is easier to let go sometimes than it is to discipline.  
My 10 yr old lies so much that I have to almost anticipate her thoughts, words, and deeds on things as small as hanging up her coat.  I have to come up with new ways of discipline that actually makes her think about the consequences of being a dishonest person.  You have to communicate with and to your child.  Do not give them the upper hand in deciding what rules they will and will not obey.  

[ADadFirst]

Do you actually have kids? From the sound of your rant, I'm guessing you don't. Or you were such a non involved self righteous parent that you didn't notice your child while they were managing their own lives. What seems to be neglected in most responses is a mother trying to find out why her daughter is lying.

She sounds like a good kid, so maybe there is an underlying reason but maybe not. Maybe, despite being happy about the pregnancy she is worried she'll be neglected. Maybe there is trouble at school she doesn't know how to deal with or talk about. Talking to her is the right choice, but try not to be angry when you do. Depending on the reasons you find, if any, maybe make her face the consequence of her lying. Recently my son lied to us about something that we'd thought missing. Upon finding that he had taken it and lied, we made him go to everyone he had lied about it to and explain that he had lied and apologize for abusing the trust that he had been given.

Taking a toy or grounding him did not have nearly the any effect. He could just shrug it off. Having to face what he had done made all the difference. He has gotten much better about telling the truth and we haven't had a problem with it since.

And because I know that some one will come chirping back about this, he had previously been in charge of his own life and continues to do so.  But using this as an excuse to let your child get away with whatever they want is just bad parenting, there is no other way around it. If you don't think so, wait until they are 15 and pregnant or trying to explain why you've found so much pot in their room, see if you can just step back then.

[mmorpgcook]

"As a parent,  I understand how you feel and it's easier to just run kid's entire lives for them than it is to just sit back and let them run their own lives.  It's hard to let go of that control.  But I think  you need to let it go,  right now. "

Um I am sorry but I don't think that a 9 year old should have control over their lives. As I was told growing up do what your told to do when your told to do it no questions asked. Thats what was expected of me and my wife from both of our parents and we turned out fine. Not sure if its a where you live type of thing but no one I know of where I live would ever allow their child to have control, the ones that do are considered bad parents.
  Punish them when they are wrong let them know who is in charge. Eventually they will learn that they either be good and do as they are told or they get punished. If they dont learn then that is the decision they made and let them suffer the consequences.
  My daughter is 7 yrs old and there is no way she is going to be allowed to run her own life. as my mom told me as long as you live under my roof you will do as I say.

[jbug74]

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your response to jms508 concerns. I, too, share the same concerns about my 13 y/o daughter. We get into arguments daily over her "telling stories" about this that and the other. I ask what seems like simple questions and all I get is a story...a lie. Or so I thought. I felt, for a long time, that this is not normal and nothing will change as I cannot trust her to tell me the truth about ANYTHING.  I'm taking a step back now, reflecting on years of dealing w/this so-called lying issue, and I realized (thanks to your posting) that I have consume my life w/trying to control/micromanage hers and I have been miserable in doing so...and made her miserable.

"As a parent,  I understand how you feel and it's easier to just run kid's entire lives for them than it is to just sit back and let them run their own lives..  It's hard to let go of that control.  But I think  you need to let it go,  right now." .....

I don't know who you are or what your profession is, but this is by far, the best advise given:  "Just let go.  It's way harder than micromanaging,  but it works better."

Thanks again, sincerely jbug74

[Pearl99]

my 10 yr has been doing this too. She says she likes negative attention, yes, in those words, has read too much pop psychology and teen books.  However it does seem to be a power and control issue, like, it gives her her own ability to make whatever schedule she wants if she pretends she did the dishes, lets her buy lunch all week instead of make it if she pretends she only bought one (houserule), lets her watch a movie rather than do homework if she pretends she has none. But all of those things are part of her responsibilities and I am not planning to 'lighten up' so as to remove her motivation to lie.  It's going to have to go the other way here although I do get it is 'control'. She has a lot of control over other stuff (hair, clothes, friends, etc.) but not schoolwork and chores.Thats where she lies mostly.

[April2]

It does sound like you're awfully hard on her. Kids this age DO forget a lot of things. The fact that you say she just shrugs when you ask why she lies tells me she knows she can't please you so she's given up. Try to lighten up a bit. She's just as human as the rest of us who forget or get lazy at times.

Try making her a list of chores. Don't make it too long, though, or she'll get overwhelmed. Have her check off every thing that she does. When she completes her list, she gets a small reward, like maybe a small allowance. If she completes some of the things on her chart, urge her to complete it before then end of the day or she won't get any kind of reward.

Try and spend some extra one on one time with just her. Take her shopping, out for ice cream, etc. Really enjoy this time. Once the baby gets here, you won't have as much time.

I think it's wonderful that she's excited about the baby! Get her involved. Let her go to some of your doctor's appointments and hear the heart beat or see the ultrasound. Let her go with you and help pick out little outfits and things for the baby. Once the baby is here, let her help change the baby and feed it a bottle. It will make her feel important, responsible and part of the family.
I think she will be fine. Just try and be realistic and remember she's just 9 years old. She sounds like a great kid.
And congratulations on your pregnancy! God bless.

[RockRose]

I think you're lumping a lot of behaviors together and calling them "lying" when they aren't really lying.  

Not taking the dog out so the dog pooped in the house is either "forgetfullness" or "laziness".  Lying about the homework is either laziness or inability to do the work and she's shrugging it off.  

Your line that "your lists could go on and on" I think hit at the heart of the matter.  Your lists seem to go on and on,  and she wants to control her own life and not keep up with your on and on expectations.

How much of the things you tell her to do,  can she just do herself?  

As a parent,  I understand how you feel and it's easier to just run kid's entire lives for them than it is to just sit back and let them run their own lives.  It's hard to let go of that control.  But I think  you need to let it go,  right now.  

Let her brush her own hair,  she'll brush it.  Let her pick up the dog poop,  say "oh no,  you didn't take the dog out!  Yikes,  gross.  Run grab a paper towel and carpet shampoo quick before it stains".  No third degree about "why" she did that.  

Best wishes.  Just let go.  It's way harder than micromanaging,  but it works better.

[catlovermom]

I think you've answered your own question.  

Sometimes kids go through phases like this, but this sounds extreme.  You've tried what sounds like totally reasonable methods of handling it and it hasn't worked.  I think some professional input at this point is in order.