my boyfriends son

Help Please! My Boyfriend and I are both divorced and we both have kids. I have two and he has a 4 year old.We have his son on weekends. That is are only days off too. Well the son doesnt like me and always comes over and says mean nasty stuff he learn't from his mom. On top of that my boyfriend acts like it is never said. The kid is so mean to me I stay locked away in our bedroom and become really quiet as soon as friday morning rolls in. I hate the weekends my boyfriend knows this too. His son is almost 90 pounds and like to wrestle so if my boyfriend is sittng on the bed with me for a second the son comes and starts hitting and jumping. which is the sign for my boyfriend to go entertain.Then at night his son wants to sleep in our bed. I dont feel i should have too share my bed! My kids are younger and they sleep in there own beds. But to make matters worse the boy wont shower and at his moms house he doesnt have too so he is dirty and has an oder. and my boyfriend gives in to him and i go the couch. please help me i love my boyfriend but the weekends are starting to put me in a depression that last all week long

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your friend could benefit from some counseling about how to manage this situation. His instincts are problematic, and if he does not change his ways you should not expect any improvement in the situation. There is indication that this boy is being neglected in his mother's home, and in your home he could profit from some straightforward limit setting. When your friend defers to his son he is de facto approving of the boy's behavior. Perhaps when your friend sees that his relationship with you hangs in the balance he will open himself up to some help.

[Wisconsin_StepMommy]

He is 4 Years Old!!!!  I'm sorry, but this irritates me just a little bit.  The parents need to start being parents.  He needs to be bathed.  You can't expect a 4 year old to clean himself properly.  Second off, discipline him.  Once again, you are his parents.  You can not let him behave the way he is.  You and his father have to work as a team.  You have to make him aware of what is going on and how to go about handling it.  You need to explain to the 4 year old that his behavior is unacceptable.  And it seems that this message must be conveyed to the boy from his father since the mothers side notes are interferring with your message.  Thirdly, the fact that he is 4 and weighs 90 lbs is disturbing at best.  There is something going on at his mothers house that needs to be addressed.  It could be on the verge of Child neglect/abuse.  Between how much he weighs to his mother whispering awful things about you in his ear, it is only harming that child.  Call the authorities right away.  Try to get custody of him.  Do something or it is going to be a fast downward spiral with no hope of a decent future.  

I wish you the best of luck.  Stay positive.  And remember, it's a 4 year old boy that needs love because he obviously not getting it from his mother.

[RockRose]

This really sounds like a disaster.  DId you literally mean that you spend the weekends locked away in your bedroom?  Where are your children during this time?  

When he comes to your house,  first thing he needs to shower.  If you have clothes for him at your house he can just put on clean sweet smelling ones and the problem will be solved.  

His weight seems extreme and may contribute to how he smells - have you had him checked by a doctor?  It's hard to think that simple over eating would cause a child to be that overweight.

Does he have a nice place to sleep at your house?  If he weren't in your bed,  where would he be sleeping?

I think besides the showering issue,  you need to do some ignoring and forgiving here.   He's neglected at his mom's house,  he comes to your house and you probably make it clear you disapprove of him.  That just reinforces the stuff he already thinks about you.

Best wishes.  

[Tybear]

I know exactly what you are going through, and sympathize completly. With all due respect to the first comment, if you've had a sweet, loving child that you've raised for so many years, and then tried to harbor another child who is as opposite as they come, it's awful. My BF's son is 5.5yrs old, and weighs almost 70lbs. He is clearly neglected at his house...comes to us dirty and smelling of dope. He is disrespectful, aggressive and will scream and argue at the slightest thing. I can't deal with it at all. I get that the kid has been through a lot, but you can't keep using that as an excuse. At some point, he needs to become responsible for his actions. My BF actually moved out a while back, because this was coming between us. He has agreed to go get councelling to help solve our issue. As I see it, we obvously aren't doing something right, so let's find out what. It's only been 3 weeks into the school year, and my BF is already getting called to a meeting, because of his son's aggressiveness. When you only get him every other weekend though, how can you expect to change him? His mother, his environment...it's all to blame. I know the kid would be better off out of his home, but I honestly don't think I could handle him without having a nervous breakdown. I also hate that my son is learning bad behaviours from him. I don't know what to tell you, except that if your BF really wants this to work with you and him, you both need to seek out a professional opinion of what you can do. I just wanted you to know you are not alone...

[Tina A.]

Run while you can.  I have been in the same situation with my husband's daughter for 15 years.  I ended up marrying him, I have 2 children with him and his past does nothing but cause heartache to my kids.  

If I knew then what I know now, I would have moved on without another question asked.  Now I have my 2 kids to think about as well who are totally opposite of his and they have respect for themselves and others.

Worry about your kids, not others and get out while you can....there are many fish in that big sea out there.

[Tybear]

interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing your expierence...certainly gives me something to think about.
Becky

[portuguese mom]

This boy is only 4 years old and only spends 2 days per week (weekends) with his father. Why are you interfering with their raltionship.  These 2 days with his father should be 100% his. Why are you complaining that he interfers with your time with your boyfriend?  You are not even married to him.  Do you know Dr. Laura on the radio? if not, I suggest that you listen to her or review her web site. She has many good suggestions. One of them is that until the child is 18 years old, the father should not marry or "shack up" and should dedicate himself to his son.  I think you are in the way of this father disciplining and raising his son to manhood.  This man needs to focus on the boy and not on some other woman with other kids.   After all, he only has two days per week with his son. Please let this father be a father. I agree with Tina "run while you can". Not for the same reasons as Tina's, but the father needs to raise his son without you having an attitude. By the way, you should also raise your children without the help of a strange man in their life. There is proof that children are better off without non-parents directly living in their homes. Listen to Dr. Laura.  Good luck.

[Tybear]

I can appreciate your opinion, although I don't agree with it at all. I was raised with step-parents from the time I was 3, and it wasn't an awful expierence - it was just the way my life was. My BF plays a very active role in my son's life throughout the week and loves him and treats him better than his own Dad does...what I hear you saying, is that I should cut him out of my son's life even though he's so attached to him...not sure how that makes sense.
I'm not quite sure why you directed your response to me...I didn't post the initial question.
Becky

[A&MGirl]

I agree that the Father should be a father. If he is giving in to his son all the time, maybe there are still some guilt issues he is dealing with and so he feels bad by disclipling the 4 year old.

I truly believe though that if there is some underlying guilt involved, he really has no business being in any relationship, much less living with someone else and pretending to be a "father" to a child that is not even his. What will you do if he leaves you? And what do you think that will do to your child? 2 fathers lost?

I totally agree with Tina, there are TOO MANY men out there for you to be hanging out in the bedroom in your own home. I would never ever sacrifice my hapiness for a man. A relationship is supposed to make you FULLFILLED and CONTENT 100% of the time, not just during the week and when the son isnt with you. Really reconsider your choices. Good Luck! And remember the 4 year old isnt going anywhere. He is part of the package. Be the adult, take charge and deal with it OR run.

its up to you.

[mandy3376]

I would have to stress that this is a 4 yr old boy.  He needs just as much love and attention as anybody else.  If your boyfriend only gets him on certain weekends and holidays let him spend time with his son without making him feel guilty by staying locked up in your bedroom.  Imagine what you are making the child feel like.  I am so sick of hearing about step parents or in your case girlfriends/boyfriends trying to compete with the children.  It is not a competition.  Help the child stay clean.  Buy him some new clothes.  Help him learn how to eat healthier foods and acquire a taste for fruits and vegetables.  Be an active positive role model for him instead of making him feel awkward and out of place when he is in your company.  You started dating your boyfriend when you knew he had a child.  Don't try and make him miserable now.  Furthermore, this is a little boy.  Boys like to be rough and jump and play.  So do girls for that matter.  My 8 yr. old girl will keep up with my 13 yr old stepson when he comes to visit.  It is our responsibility as adults, parents, stepparents to raise these children with the best morals and values.  Make them healthy.  Mind, body and soul.  If you have such a problem with his child maybe you need to find someone that doesn't have a child.  You would probably be a lot happier being the only one in your significant others life.  It seems to bother you if he spends more time with his son.  Also about the sleeping in the bed... that is the only thing I agree with you about.  My kids have never slept with us unless they were sick.  I have however let them make beds on my bedroom floor if we have a movie night or something. That includes my stepson as well.  Not just my kids.  

[althepal39]

Portugese Mom said it all!!  Go out and buy all of Dr. Laura's books - listen to her show - she is very wise.    This is a 4 year old boy who wants/NEEDS to spend time with his Dad.  I'm sure the divorce is already very hard for this poor kid - remember he's only 4!!!! - let him have his time with his Dad without adding more strife to his life.   On those days he's there - go spend some quality time with your kids.  Everyone would probably benefit..

[Tybear]

Just a little background info on this woman you all think is so wonderful...I'd be happy to post more for you, if you would like. Everyone's entitled to an opinion...just because you believe in something strongly, doesn't make it "truth".



"-Laura and the Sanctity of Marriage: Laura started dating her current husband, Lew Bishop, while he was still married to someone else and lived with him for nine years before they got married.
Laura and Family Values: she has not spoken to her mother in 15 years and is estranged from her sister.  
-She claims that women with young children should stay home rather than have a career, but she is on the radio five days week and recently began a television show, in spite of the fact that she has a teenage son at home.  
-She will not discuss her past on her show, claiming that it is irrelevant now, but, as several critics have pointed out, she refuses to take responsibility for her "wild" past and angrily dismisses charges of hypocrisy."

[portuguese mom]

- Dr. Laura's only son is currently in the military in Irac.  She worked from home a few hours per week when she had her son at home. I believe that she did not work before he started school.
- She admits to her past mistakes and repended.  She was married to her husband when she had her son.  
- She knows what she is talking about. Listen to her in the present and do not look at her past.  We all make mistakes when young.
- The boy is 4 years old and only spends weekends with his father. He needs 100% attention from his father when they are together.

[becks715]

I'm sorry but I 100% disagree with these comments about leave it alone and let the boy be with his father PLEASE.  

Ty you are 100% correct in being upset.  Yes he deserves love and attention but so do you.  I would look at your boyfriend not the child in that scenario.

Children need love and trust and GUIDANCE and BOUNDARIES and he is not respecting yours and your boyfriend just lets him get away with it?!.  What does this teach him?  It teaches him to be disruptive, to not respect women because your boyfriend is not respecting you.  Unfortuantely I think that although this kid is probably not in the best situation with his mom, your boyfriend is not in the best situation to be in a relationship.  Being a father is not all about fun and games it's about parenting and he isn't parenting if he is ignoring what the son is doing and saying to you.  And unless he changes that it won't get better.  If you were his biological mother and he was acting this way I highly doubt these people would be saying what they are saying, it's only because you are the girlfriend so ignore it.

You need to do some serious thinking about your relationship - if he isn't willing to step up and parent the child due to guilt, not seeing him every day or whatever then he just isn't going to do it.  I'm sorry but just because he only gets him on weekends DOES NOT make it ok for him to let all this bad behaviour slide.  

If the child needs to get out of the life he is in (ie living with a neglectful mother) then  why isn't the dad doing anything about it? He's not even recognizing what a terrible state his son is in!  HELLO.

His behaviour is not appropriate period.  Your boyfriend needs to step up and be a father, either by making waves and trying to improve his son's living situation or by bringing discipline into your home at the very least.  And I'm sorry but you don't have to live with someone every day to have a good relationship he does not need 100% of his attention for two days, he needs his dad's quality attention when the time is right -  the dad should be phoning his son when he isn't there and giving him attention in other ways, not by letting him be a flat out brat and bully.

[MacAttacksMom]

i am in the same situation with my step son. except he doesn't eat anything but pizza and chicken nuggets. my stepson cries all the time. he hates being up here. he comes up here every other month cause he lives 8 hours away. he hates to shower and screams at us when we make him. he is very rude to me and tells my husband and his mother and everyone else how much he hates me. he is 4 and very out of control mom diciplines and i do to i have a lot of problems to deal with including him. we have two kids together and i have one from a previous relationship. so i definatly feel your pain. my wishes go out to you

[edithenav]

Being in a relationship were there are kids from previous relationships involved is really hard and every situation completely diffrent I dont think any step parent should agonize about how they are going to address disrespectful behavior from step children  at the end of the day were all human....step mom like step child  and if for some reason u feel uncomftable in the presence of a stepchild then there's a big problem that needs to be addressed. .... and under NO surcumstances should disrespect be tolerrated just because the child only sees his parent once per week....that's not the steparent fault so no pity should be rendered there bec ause all that child is going to grow up thinking is that the world owes him pity due to his life experiences and the truth be told .....no he won't get any pity when he gets older so teach him now that he's young own up to ur doings no excuses.....its a harsh world out there believe me