my boyfriend's son

[missmaryardene]

hello! my boyfriend has a four year old son. he has full custody of his son. the boys mother is not in his life because she abused him and wants nothing to do with him. since the boy was born, his mother has had another son ad she gives him everything. the boy does not live with his dad because his dad works from 3:00 P.M. to 2:00 A.M. so during the work he stays with his grandmother. the little boy is obsessed with the star wars lego video game and thinks the game is all there is to life. i watch the little boy on mondays and tuesdays so he can stay with his dad longer. however, the little boy has some serious behavior problems. he claws me, pulls my hair, hits me, screams at me, tells me to get out, throws things, and demands things of me. he screams at me and spits on me. the little boy has no respect for me what so ever and treats me like i am his maid. he does not even listen to his dad. his dad disciplines him some but it is not consistent. his dad feels like it is his fault the boy's mother abused him so he gives him almost every thing he wants. my boyfriend told me i could discipline him but i do not feel like it is my place because what if i discipline him and when his dad gets home he said mary did this and that and his dad gets mad. his dad and i recently moved in together and the boy treats it like i am a tenant and has tried to kick me out. he has told his dad he is jealous of me and because of that he treats me like ****. the past weekend the little boy has made my life hell. i am a future teacher and am good with kids but i have no idea what to do with my boyfriends little boy. if i do discipline the boy it is not consistent with his father. i just do not know what to do. help please!!!!!!!!!!!

[joann1975]

That is a tough one... in one way it's not your place but it kind of is. If you were already married it could be. Dad & Grandma need to get consistent... feeling sorry for him and spoiling him are not helping him at all! I would suggest some books for them & you to read....do you think they would read them?

I am reading Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson & also have Dare to Discipline by James Dobson... oh yeah...and The Strong Willed Child... they are good books. You might try those.... or see if they will read them.

Best of luck to you!

[Denya]

If your B-friend says it's ok to disipline him, then it's ok.  My husband and I started dating and he has children, I talked to him about the kind of disipline I believed in which was time out for the amount of minutes of there age (if he is 4 then it's four min time out in a room or corner) tell your b-friend to tell his kid in front of you, the rules when he is at work, and do not allow that child to abuse you, you must put your foot down your the adult, just always, always communicate to your b/f the disiplinary actions.

[althepal39]

He is jealous of you.  Because he needs his father - that is the one key to his emotional recovery from the abuse and rejection he suffered from his mother.  Kids need their parents - their real parents - and when one rejects them and hurts - they need the other one even more.  And instead of getting the other one - this child is getting his grandmother.. and you.  And occasionally his father.  And now when his father is there - so are you.  So he is jealous.  But it is not a petty type of jealousy - the child NEEDS his father and so he reacts very strongly to anyone getting in the way of that. The father needs to spend a great deal of time undoing the damage the mother did to this child and he needs to do it with a lot of one on one time with him.  I'm sorry to say it - but you really should not be living with them in this situation..  

[Agiesmom]

Althepal39 hit the nail on the head.  I hope you take her advice.

[missmaryardene]

Thank you for the advice. My boyfriend and I sat down and talked about it last night. I told him how I felt and my boyfriend put himself in my shoes. He understands where I am coming from and tonight we have agreed to sit down and make rules. We are going to have a sticker chart for the little boy and are going to wean him off the video games. I know the boy and his dad need one on one time. I have been telling my boyfriend that for weeks and said you to need daddy and me time. But my boyfriend always says I want you there to. But I think I got through to him last night by telling him he needs time alone with you so today when he took the boy back to his grandmas I didnt go. He is going to start picking him up by himself and doing things with him alone. The moving in together thing was all my boyfriends idea. I thought it might not be a good idea but he sai in time my son will adjust to it. So we went ahead and moved in together. Next weekend when the little boy is her I am going to make plans with one of my friends and give the two of them time together. I have started sleeping in my bed when the little boy is here so the little boy can sleep with his dad. My boyfriend didnt like that because he wanted me to sleep with him but I said your on needs to sleep with just you. I am not sure if he will read the books. He is open to anything he has told me. So I will ask him. Thank you for all your help. I also have never lived with a guy before so this is all uncharted territory for me. My boyfriend moved in with me and he told his son this is daddy and mary's house. I have a 9 month old kitten and the little boy has tried to kick her out and he chased her and got mad because she wont come to him. Thank you.

[althepal39]

Sounds like you are doing all you can to give them their space and time together - I hope everything works out for all of you.  

[Agiesmom]

You are on the right path with this.  I just feel sad that your boyfriend seems to be putting his wants and needs first--getting you to move in, not wanting to spend time with his son without you, not wanting you to sleep in your own bed when his son is there.  These are things he should want without your encouraging them--but it's good that you are encouraging them since he is not.

My cousin's ex-husband does this with their kids--whenever he has them, he always has his girlfriend there--for him, I think he just prefers adult company and is simply not interested in interacting with his kids.  Very sad for his kids.

I hope your boyfriend can truly connect with his son--interact with him, talk with him, play games with him, read to him.  Not just sit and watch tv with him or let his son play computer games while he naps or whatever.  I think the child may be resorting to the games because of that lack of connection and one on one attention.

All the best to all of you.

[missmaryardene]

Thank you for the support. This situation would have been different if I moved in with him but he moved into my place. He wants to spend time with his son but he doesnt want to be the bad guy and discipline him. So his son gets everything he wants. I keep telling him they need time together alone but he says since his behavior is bad he doesnt think he can do it on his own and wants me with him. My boyfriend means well and I know he loves me but he needs to understand that he can love me and not have to have me with him every second of the day. I want him to understand that he can love me and his son too. I know he loves his son but he doesnt want to spend alone time with him because he doesnt want to leave me. He will play video games with his son and read to him but if he takes his son to the park I go. And when he plays the video games and reads to his son my boyfriend has me right next to him. I just want his son to have daddy and me time. I also want his son to behave too.

[Denya]

I hope the disipline thing is working out for you, It can be tricky, but I was really happy to hear that you and your b-friend could sit down and talk.  I know what you are saying about your b-friend always wanting you around with the kids, my husband and I started dating and he moved in to my place too, and I knew he had two girls and I would always encourage him to spend more time with them, I wanted them over every weekend and I wanted to always have them sleep over, he was less interested at the time because his ex-wife gave him hell, but when I came into his life his ex was actually happy, but now because my relationship with the girls was so good, she refuses to let the girls be around me, so now a relationship my husband built with the girls went into chaos because his ex wife wouldn't even pick up the phone to speak to him.  It's really hard for us as the second women in the childrens lives but for some reason mothers feel like we are the enemy all I want is what is BEST FOR THE KIDS Just like you are expressing.  Your doing the right thing by asking people, but be weary about some, I know sometimes I'll get mothers who prob had to deal with another women in there ex's life and they'll tell me off,  it's completely ridiculous.

[Denya]

SORRY THAT POST UP THERE IS FOR YOU, WRONG PERSON I WROTE TO ALTHEPAL39...WHOOPS

[missmaryardene]

thank you for your advice!!!!!!!!! i really appreciate it. things are better now however my boyfriend has implied that he wants me to be his son's mom in the long run and i think it is too soon. down the road i can see it but right now its too soon i think.

[jdtm]

I see you are only 19.  Even if you were 29 or 39, you could never be this child's mother.  He already has a mother (if you want to call it that).  At best, you can only be a stepmother to this child and that would only be after marriage - and your boyfriend needs to be aware of this.  This child needs his father, his grandmother, and other friends and relatives (and yes, you too) for support and love.  But, perhaps at your young age I might suggest you consider being a very good "friend" to this child and then treat him as you would any "friend",  Discipline should not be part of the equation at this stage in your relationship.  By the way, disciplining is one of the jobs of parenthood and that is the task of your boyfriend (whether he is seen as "the bad guy" or not).  Your boyfriend is expecting too much.  And yes, being a single parent is very, very difficult.  I wish you the best ...

[missmaryardene]

Thank you for your advice. I thought it was too much of me to ask. The little boy tells me he loves me constantly. I just treat him like I did the students in my class when I student taught. I watch the little boy so he and his fatehr can spend more time together and i know they both like it but every time he goes back to his grandmas his life is disrupted. he has no schedule or routine there and he does here. im so worried about the little boy. when he saw his mom three years ago he thought she was his cousin.