my child is hated by his friends

my 6 year old son who is in kindergarten seems to be hated by everyone. he likes all his friends or other kids. but when it comes to  a group of kids (atleast 3 kids including himself)  together in church or in school. he is left behind. no body likes to play with him. at school, when the teacher gives the kids a chance to pick another kid to play with. no body will choose him and if he gets the chance to choose and he calls someone's name, they will say right in front, "no I don't want to play with him". at church, when all the kids stand together to sing a song or do something, no body likes to stand next to him and they will say that loudly in front of other people. then what i have noticed in our family is that his cousins come and tell me that he is following them and bothering them though he likes the company of other kids and like to play with them. another thing i have noticed is when another kid of his age was drawing and he went and sat next to that kid and was looking and that kid closed the book and told him to go away from him. now i don't know what to do. should i stop him from going to these places where he get to see other kids or what can i do. pleaseeeeeee helpppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.thanks  

[specialmom]

Hm.  I have a child that has had a lot of difficulty with social skills.  Kids shyed away from him because of his actions torwards them.  We had to teach our son how to act with other kids in order to get along with them.  This is an ongoing process.  

When observing your son, what do you think he does/has done to contribute to this behavior on the part of the other kids?  Does he stand too close?  Does he touch them?  Does he talk over them?  Does he have outbursts?  I'm just getting at the fact that developmentally at age 6, most kids are really pretty accepting of other kids unless that child has social deficits.  My son does, so I have seen this first hand.

We have done many things to make it better with my son.  I have bent over backwards to plan one on one play dates that I organize and keep going with my guidance and activities to increase the liklihood of their success.  I keep the play date short------- a couple of hours.  I supervise pretty much the whole time and  kids of 6 really still like to be with the parents.  I may take them somewhere really fun like lazer tag or bowling.  But I just do these one on one play dates to build friendship.  At home, I treat my son like a peer.  He tends to be inflexible, so I make him share something, take turns picking what we do, etc. to act like it would be with a peer.  We work on things like proper distance from another person, looking them in the eye, how to hold a conversation.  I keep him aware of what kids his age are into.  Star Wars, The Last Airbender, super spies, Super Heroes, etc. are all big ones as well as sports.  (my son is also 6 but in the first grade and I have a 5 year old in kindergarten---------  I'm well versed at this point what other boys are into------LOL).  Mario for WII is another popular thing.  We don't even have a Wii yet but my kids were introduced to Mario so they knew what the other kids were playing and into.  It just helps to keep them "in the know".  

So get back to me what you think is going on with your son.  I'd start by looking at him and what HE is doing to really solve the problem.  We've had luck with that approach.  Then I can try to help you more.

Also, I just wanted to say that your school counselor can be helpful here.  As well as the teacher.  The teacher actually should now set up a situation like that in which your son is going to be left out or rejected.  I'd ask her to pick another child that could use some friends and hook your son up with him.  Then you try to have a play date and see if you can get something going.  Does your son like any sports that he could be on a team for?  

[salex10]

thank you for ur reply,
my son had speech delay and tongue tie, so he started speaking late. but now he is speaking much better. plus he is small in stature, i mean thin and short. eveyone is suprised when we tell that he is 6. but our family is not that big statures any way ...we belong to medium group.
yes like u said , he always  stand too close to other kids and sometimes  touches them and also sometimes talk over them. he shares his toys with other kids except his 3 year old brother. whenever i talk to his teacher (kindergarten) , she gives me good opinion about him and she never had any complaints. the scenario that i mentioned happened when he was in pre-k.please help me out to solve this issue.
thanks

[gschnauzer]

This sounds so familiar.  It is well worth your time to help him learn social skills.  Sign him up for gymnastics (to help him get acquainted with his body, gain awareness of his bodies movements, build physical self esteem), it's also a great time for him to interact with other children.  
Invite kids over to his house, so he can meet the kids on his terms in an enviroment he feels comfortable in.

[gschnauzer]

One other thing, make sure that your son has good hygiene.  Kids are quick to pick up on kids who smell, or haven't brushed their teeth or hair.

[RockRose]

salex,  I'm always so surprised at how clueless teachers can be about the social stuff.  If the child isn't causing a discipline problem in the class,  the don't notice the child is REALLY struggling.    This is so hard,  as a mom,  to watch.

The fact that he has trouble making friends at church,  school and family is pretty telling.  It's not just one group of kids he's struggling with, it's all of them,  in every setting,  and peer relationships are the hardest relationships kids have.  

I agree with the other's advice.   If you can find another child who is sweet but may also have difficulty finding friends,  and do really fun stuff with them,  this will help him out a lot.  Having a friend is a GREAT ego booster and will give him social skills and confidence to succeed in other relationships.

Also,  since you know he stands too close to kids and touches them,  you could practice normal social distance with him.  You can just show him,  we sit this far from friends.  It's likely that's a huge part of his problem,  because social space is ingrained for most kids by his age.  

Best wishes.  

[salex10]

thank you all for replying me. i really appreciate your comments.it gave me new insights that i should focus instead of blaming on this or that.

[Sandman2]

    Wonderful ideas by all of the above posters.  One other thing that you might want to try is to buy the book, "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.   She has a whole section on social skills that mirror and add to the discussions above.  I am not even hinting that your child has ADHD, but the 40 pages that Ashley devotes to self esteem and social skills would prove very helpful to you (I think).