my sons dad is a good dad but a loser!

[hntrsmm]

My sons dad has been in his life, but he is not reliable. He doesn't pay child support. He is currently homeless, and does not have a stable job. However, he picks our (4 1/2 yr old)son  up every Friday, spends the weekend and brings him home on Sunday night. My issue is that he has no phone, or any way to get a hold of him. When there was an emergency and my son went to the emergency room, there was no way to get a hold of his father. My fiance was the one who was there. My fiance is also supporting my son, since I am unemployed (currently seeking preschool, so I can go back to work). What can I do? Sam (this is how we refer to my sons dad when my son is present) is a fun weekend dad. He is financially absent in our sons life. I would never take my son from his dad, but i worry where he is going on the weekends. Sam has told me he is going to his ex girlfriends house on the weekends. She is unstable, Sam has told me himself. I am at a loss, I have not filed for child support since he is jobless.

[imanaddict]

Maybe filing for child support is exactly what he needs to get off his rear end and find a job! Don't do it for him, do it for your son! It's hard enough to support kids these days and the father is just as responsible as you are for that support. Thank goodness he at least plays a part in your son's life. At least he is responsible in that matter, but he also needs to be financially responsible too. You can't just pick and choose your responsibilities as a parent.

[SeriousSam]

Correct me if I am wrong but you are also financially absent from his life and from the sounds of it would be homeless were it not for your fiancee'.

I am assuming that you and he are great parents but how are you different than he is...

BTW.. Be careful about criticizing an exes new boyfriend or girlfriend because chances are they see some of the same traits that attracted them to you in the new model.  Same as your fiancee probably shares some traits.

PS:  No relation to the Sam in the post.... REALLY...LOL

[hntrsmm]

Good points, I regret losing my job. When I called the (ex)girlfriend unstable, I was referring to the last time my son's father dropped him off early. I was told that she had thrown herself through a window and that was the reason for the early drop off. I was also made aware of her drinking problem.He told me he was trying to get a restraining order on her. After telling me all of this he is still taking our son there. I agree calling him a loser is harsh, there are much worse fathers out there. I just wish that, for his son, he would get some stability in his life.

[91004]

If that was my sons dad I would not let him go. You don't know if your son is safe, you don't know anything about the situation when your son is there. My ex had to have visits at his parents house until he got a house of his own he was not allowed to take him unless he stayed at his mothers house. Yes your right you can't take him from his father but at the same time you need to make sure he is in a safe environment when he is with his dad and it doesnt sound like he is. If he dropped the son off early because the girlfriend thru herself thru a window where was your son at this time and did he see it. I wouldnt want my kids around that and would not allow it

[hntrsmm]

I have conflicting feelings. One side knows his father would never put him at risk, as far as I know my son was taken away before she went nuts.  For the summer my son was "camping" with his dad every weekend. That was good but now its cold, and when he has nowhere to go, he goes to her house. His family is not in state. My son looks forward to his weekends with his dad. We do have mutual friends, but from what I have heard he has pretty much worn out his welcome. Couch hopping you know. Do I have to be the bad guy and say no taking him till he has a stable environment for our son? This is very hard for me, I love that my son knows his dad and has a good relationship with him.

[91004]

I wouldnt say take the son away but I would suggest maybe day visits couple of hours each day this way he still gets to see his dad but there are no worries as to where he is staying. I just dont think his ex sounds like a safe environment it sounds like she could blow any minute and whats to say she wouldnt in front of your son. It sounds like the dad cares but if he cared enough he would get a home that he and his son can stay at and be safe. My sons dad had family but I called every night he had him to make sure he was at his moms(we had court order for this) and until he straightened up and got a house my son was not to stay any where else. I understand your situation where he has no family locally but he needs a home to take his son.

[imanaddict]

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to letting your son go with his dad. I don't know how the laws work where you are, but here, when my son goes with his dad, I have no say so whatsoever on where he takes him. It's his visitation and he can take him wherever he wants no matter what I say. Thank God I trust him and know he won't do anything stupid and hopefully you have that same feeling with your son's dad. And if he is a TRULY good dad, he won't take your son to places where he is at risk for seeing or hearing crazy things anyway. If you feel there is any question at all that your son is in danger, you'll have to take his father back to court and 1). Get supervised visitation, or 2). take complete custody if you honestly feel your child is in danger or at risk. Definitely GO FOR CHILD SUPPORT though!!

Like I mentioned before, the law here really ***** because law enforcement does NOT enforce anything with custody. They just tell you to take the parent back to court!

[imanaddict]

Your son is a CUTIE by the way!!

[SeriousSam]

Just out of curiousity how many people giving advise here actually have hids

[margypops]

This Father sounds okay, and maybe he is doing all he can, he gets his boy at the weekends, picks him up and takes him home ,does the boy have a good time, forget all the other bits ,he is trying, jobless or not, he is in your childs life, trust me thats a good thing.Ask your son if he has a good time with his Dad, probably yes, so let it be and but his Dad a phone  and then you can contact him.

[margypops]

Sorry.....buy him a phone ,I still have a wayward keybord

[hntrsmm]

Thanks your advice has given me a lot of insight. Yes my son has a blast. He has a phone but he never pays the bill on time so it is turned off regularly. I'm secure that his father wont put him in jeopardy.

[momagain59]

I know this is going to sound crazy but, is there anyway that you can get your son's Dad a track phone just for emergency contact? I would have to know he was safe in order to let him go. It sounds like his Dad loves him. Does he have a mental illness that makes him unable to find a job, get a home, and live a somewhat normal life? Did he used to be stable or is this something new?

[hntrsmm]

Lol, ya know... I have often wondered that myself. This is not new, when we were together he was very unreliable.He does have a job as a framer, with a friend who gives him money under the table. That isn't a stable job, he will go weeks without any work. He loves to party, and is very defiant of anyone who tells him what to do. Honestly he acts like a teenager. I could go on bad-mouthing him but it doesn't help my son. I have decided to tell him I am going to file for support. I will let my son be with his dad, and try to remember I do trust that he wont let our child get harmed.    I will ask if he could call me once a day when he has our son. I thank god I have my fiance, he is a very understanding man. He treats my son as if he were his own. At least we can all get along, no custody battles or abuse.