my step son wants to sleep with his dad in our bed

[mads25]

i married to my husband last Oct 6 2008 and his son always want to sleep with him in our bed while he is in our bed i don't know how to place my self. because they are hugging each other. i fell out of place. i tell my husband that i don't want his son to be in the bed. but he told me told me that im  jealous. which is not true all i want to be happen is, his 8 years old son learn to sleep in his bed alone. my question is, am i to possessive?

[Scorpiowueen]

Okay guys I’m writing this in 2021 so if anyone is having this issue just know you’re still not alone! I only have a one bedroom apartment. We’ve had a lot of issues with the baby mamma and when my bf moved in it was just us so it was a perfect space. After some time she let his 9 year old son start coming with us half the time. At first they would sleep on my couch and sometimes blow up an air mattress. As the kid started getting comfortable he would make comments like “ I wish I could sleep in the bed” at first I was understanding and flexible and I would let my bf and his son sleep in my bed and I’d be in the couch. After A while he would say can we all 3 sleep in the bed or can I just sleep with you? I wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping alone with the kid, I can only imagine the allegations the mom would have. It’s just frustrating because I feel mean saying no but it is my space. I work hard I need my bed.  I do feel alone without my bf in the bed half the week but what do I do? By the way we’ve been trying to find a two bedroom but having a hard time.

[specialmom]

Ya, that is hard. Really hard.  What about this?  Like a twin mattress that you pull out at bed time and he sleeps on it alone?  He's old enough that I'd start working on his being able to sleep by himself.  Night light, maybe your bedroom door half way or a bit open when he's there? Then you and your partner can sleep normal and the boy can sleep as well.  When he gets his own room, it will be the same thing of his son learning to sleep on his own. It's a nice thing that your partner is having him stay and parenting him.  This sounds like a logistics issue.  You sound smart with how you are handling it all but ya, it's hard.  

[Ibeth90]

My step son is 6 and still wants to sleep in our bed. Horrible part is we have a full sized bed and I wake up with the worst backache. Idk what to do to make his dad understand that this isnt ok. His son is psycho jealous. We have a biological son of our own and its annoying how jeAlous he is of him. He's always taking babies toys or food away. Idk what to do and his dad doesn't get it. The bed isn't big enough for all of us!!!

[specialmom]

Ah, first, I'd try to be empathetic to the boy. He's only 6 and a little baby on the scene is threatening in the best households.  So, it's really hard when someone is already shifting between two homes, doesn't get to be with dad all the time and has someone calling him psycho jealous.  :>)  (ouch).  You'll get further if you are more open to the little boy.  He should begin feeling more secure and want his own space.  Do you have a bedroom for him?  That's a start if he has his own cool space in the house.  His dad IS supposed to understand his son and maybe sees that he is hurting a bit and his over clinginess and jealousy is due to insecurity of the situation.  Try to picture if your bio baby had to go to someone else's house every other weekend of every few days and had another woman taking care of him.  How would you want her to view your child?  With love and concern or as a burden?  No judgment by the way!!  I do understand it is hard.  You signed on for dad but now have his son to also contend with.  It will just go much more smoothly if you open your heart to him.  The sleeping in the bed is just a temporary issue.  But how he feels in his father's home is life long.  

[Sierrahopee111]

Your not alone! Ive been in a relationship with my bf for almost two years now, and have been living with him and his 3 year old daughter for a year. At first I was fine but then explained to my bf that I want alone time with him at night and it's not OK to never have alone time. So he agreed and what we did was buy a mini bed for her and put it next to our bed and she could be in our bed till she fell asleep and then we place her in her bed. And even sometimes she goes to her bed by herself now and loves her princess bed.

[MamaWind33]

Sorry about all the typos, I don't see a way to edit on here. I also wanted to add though that it's important too to know if the kids sleep with their mother while they are with her? If so they very likely have all of their life and may be afraid to sleep alone. I know my children had only coslept until recently and if my son's father's girlfriend had refused to let him sleep with his father if he wanted to at his house, that would have been a problem. I'm not a difficult person honestly, I don't think, but that would have caused a huge issue between me and his father. Now if they aren't afraid and are ok to sleep alone then that's different and just goes back to my previous response.

[Kris10leigh14]

Id like to hear your thoughts on my situation.  My step son is 6. He sleeps with his bio mom at home during the week.  His bio mom has made a rule that the child is NOT allowed to sleep in the bed with my husband and I when we get him every other weekend.  This is the biggest issue in our relationship.  The child CANNOT sleep in his own bed and cries all night, constantly attempting to slip into our bed.  My husband and I have a 6 month old, who sleeps alone in his crib (sharing a room with my step son).  My step son constantly wakes the baby as he fake cries loudly enough to shake the house each time we walk him back to his bed.  I am exhausted, aggravated, and extremely angry with my step sons mom for allowing him to co sleep at this age period- add to the fact that hes not allowed to co sleep with my husband and I (which would not make me happy, but would allow my 6 mo old peace and allow me to sleep as well) and I am left INFURIATED with no ideas for resolution.  We tried a pallet on the floor of our room- step son still wailed until daylight.  Keep in mind that this child worships his bio mom, who is immature and pits the child against me out of jealousy, so if she makes a rule- step son enforces it for her at our house and tattles if we dont follow it- causing major problems with bio mom and hubby- who will do anything to avoid confrontation with her.

[MamaWind33]

I wasn't going to respond but after reading all the responses I decided to. I don't have a response from a step parents perspective because I'm not one but my husband is. I have a 9 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. The 6 year old is mine and my husband's and my 9 year old is mine from a previous relationship. It may be different for us because my husband and I have been together since my son was 6 months old and we were already cosleeping. Both of my kids still sleep with us most nights until just recently. If I had to share time with another parent especially only getting them on the weekends or every other weekend and my husband, whom I love very much, was mad about cosleeping.. I'd tell him to get over it! They are only little once and the only children I'll ever be able to have. My marriage is very important to me so it has nothing to do with that. If the kids only see their dad's a few days a week or every other week, is it really worth getting upset about? Would you like to see your own children only on specific days and then be told it'd only OK to be with them during the day? We're your parents divorced and you had to split time between them? I'd be mad at you all if I was the child as well. The children have already had their life changed enough and it doesn't matter how long it's been. This whole topic just got to me way more than I could have imagined. Wether you have kids or had divorced/separated parents yourself, please try to see it from other perspectives.

[angiealex1980]

No! First of all have a talk with your husbands and then his eight-year-old son. His eight-year-old son sleeping with you is not OK,the three of you need to sit down and set boundaries tell him it is not ok for us all to sleep with each other you have your own room we have ours do not let him ruin your relationship or invade your privacy. Vocalize your thoughts!!!

[syra4310]

Hello.... well after reading this... I also feel that I am not a crazy or paranoid women about this same isssue. My 6yrs old step son does not sleep by him self... and my husband is not doing anything about it!!!! He almost seems to enjoy sleeping with his son every time he comes!! Ive talked to him and telling him how it makes me feel the fact he does not sleep with me at night!!! He seems to understand but his answer was "he will grow up".... can you believe that???? OMG!! Right now because it will be Christmas, he has him for 2 weeks... the same weeks he will not sleep with me... I feel angey, alone, not even enjoying the holidays!!! And you know tje only light in my life so far??? Is that our 2yrs old daughter is amazing and she sleeps by herself since she was 6months!! Any suggestions in how to get this thru? Happy Holidays!!!

[manderspander]

I dont know how to cope with our step son wanting my partner to sleep in his bed. His dad often says yes when this happens leaving me alone. His actions of leaving me alone make me feel alone. I have always thought of the bed as our private time, and a time for us to be together. I have learned to step back during the day ensuring that they always get their time together, but I just wish he understood how leaving our bed makes me feel abandoned. He says its me being jealous or selfish but really if it was our biological kid I would never think this was okay. I think the time two partners get at the end of the day to hold each other, can make or break a relationship. I feel it is honestly this most important time for two people to connect. I am unsure of what to do or how else to communicate my issues with co sleeping (the boy is 11) so that his dad doesnt think I am trying to come between them. I try to do all I can so his days are fulfilled and so we can connect but when they boy asks to co sleep I feel this undoes any validity his dad and our relationship has. I just need help. I hate to be the frustrated one or the pouty one but I feel I cannot get my point across! Any ideas?!

[niccy]

Hi there..u are not ALONE..that is for sure....I have the same problem as well..but no anymore......I have been dating my bf for a yr now .. and he was living with me..and my two kids...when he got his son 7 yrs old..everyother weekend he was doin the same thing...either bunking with him out in the living room on couch or then later on on an air mattress.......  I had had enough as the our boys 2 yrs apart loved hanging together and dad was even stopping them from having a sleepover per say.  I had to let my bf know that this couldnt keep happening and that after now it has been a yr..and your son has had enough time now to b on his own in the home....(even at the end of our bed).  He understood..but it took a while for it to come to play.  I love his boy..but on the same not..if hes old enough to play "M" video games..and play with the big boys..he should b able to sleep without dad rapped around him.  I thought maybe i was just being mean..but i noticed honestly im not.....this just isnt right after a yr....... we bought a house with 4 bedrooms to help with the problem...  funny enough my bf didnt care if we bought with 3 or 4...but i explained we have to ... as we  need to make him feel that he has a place in this family as well as where he lives full time with his mother.......  After the big move..he hasnt (or neither) have done it.   But honestly it wasnt easy to adress it..but i couldnt do it anymore either.  

[Reckford18]

Am going through the same thing now my stepson only come over on weekend to see his dad went there he always want to come our bed i dnt why he get early in the morning like at 6  just to come in my bed i dnt like it i tell my husband  about and he get mad at me saying  that he a kid and so what if he lay in our bed. I dnt think that right in my house i feel uncomfortable and i dnt know what to do.

[awinter]

I'm going through the same thing.  I haven't told his Dad though because I feel like it's hard for them to only see eachother half of the week as the boy's at  his mom's the other half of the week.  I feel like he has separation issues.. I do feel jealous because I agree with the above statement by aid821 that said bedtime should be our time to have our space together.... I guess I don't have any answers but I"m writing this so you know you're not alone... I found your post because I was feeling irritated and just wanted to know I wasn't alone. Sigh.
Thaanks for reading.

I live far from my own parents and so my partner is my only family... I look forward to bedtime cuddling with him.  So when I sleep alone it magnifies how alone I feel sometimes.

[aid821]

I don't think your being possessive at all, and believe his son needs to sleep in his own bed. He at the age where he is old enough to able to sleep on his own. There are many opportunities throughout the day for your husband to kiss, cuddle and show affection to his son. At nightime, it is your time to be a couple and to have your space together. Perhaps you need to explain this to him, good luck :)