nail biting

[Jim]

My grandson is 3 years & 3 months old. His parents are seperated and there has been a great deal of arguing, loudly at times, no physical abuse by either parent to each other or to the child,  Naturally, one doesn't have to wonder why he bites his nails down to a point that they hurt him. I've read the response to one of the readers, but my question is a little different. What do you recommend that his grandmother and I do for him when he visits us on the weekends with his father. His father(my son) lives in his own home and the child visits his dad on the weekends. His mother has custody. I 've always try not to make the nail biting an issue with him, but rather try to reinforce my love for him when he is biting his nails. His dad and his grandmother(my wife) pull his hands away from his mouth gently and tell him not to bite them, when they do that he frets and goes right back to biting. Do you feel he needs professional attention. Other than this he acts good under the circumstances.                                                                                                     Thank you

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jim,

There is no point in pulling his hands away from his mouth - as you've already seen, this is not useful. The most significant intervention is to diminish the conflict that occurs between his parents. This is damaging to a child. Now, it takes two to tango, so to speak, so while your son is not able to control the behavior of your daughter-in-law, he can control his own behavior and see to it that he does not participate in the arguing or whatever form the conflict takes. This can be difficult, but it's crucial for your grandson's development.

Relative to professional intervention, the best course would be for your son to consult with a child menatl health professional to help him in his efforts to be a good father and deal with this conflict with his wife. It's not your grandson who needs the help, it's his parents.

[Susan]

DEAR JIM,  AS A GROWN ADULT AND NAIL BITER, I CERTAINLY AGREE WITH THE ADVICE GIVEN.  AS A CHILD IBEGAN NAILBITING AND HAIR PULLING AS A STRESS RELEASER WHEN MY PARENTS WERE FIGHTING LOUDLY AND SOMETIMES PHYSICALLY. IT IS CERTAINLY A DIFFICULT TIME FOR ALL INVOLVED, BUT WITH PROFFESSIONAL HELP IN THE AREA OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND ANGER CONTROL, ALL IN THE FAMILY WOULD FEEL BETTER.  I AM ALSO A GRANDPARENT AND CAN EMPATHIZE WITH YOUR CONCERN FOR YOUR GRANDSON.  I WISH YOU THE BEST.