out of control 18 year old son

I am single mother of an 18 year old who is out of control.  My son used to be such a nice kid but since he has turned 18 he changed overnight.  He refuses to listen and when I tell him to stop doing something he tells me to leave him the hell alone.  He tries to leave the house late at night and when I try to stop him he physically pushes me out of the way.  He even took something from my mom and pawned it.  He doesn't think my mom or me should be mad.  He tells me he is 18 and I can't stop him and since he has 1 more year of school left he has to live with me.  I am at my breaking point.

[Vako23]

Hi,
I also have a son about to turn 18, and I was a single parent until he was 8 years old, and I know it's not easy and I can't imagine what struggles I would have had if I didn't have a man in the house to help me with certain issues. I know as a single parent alot of times we parent out of guilt, I did, and still do feel guilt for divorcing his father, but I have in the past year really stuck to my word when it comes to consiquences to his actions and have noticed a big change in him.  I guess there is no way of knowing what will work with your son until you try. He is legally an adult, and technically whether he is in school or not, you could say that if he does not want to follow your rules then he will have to move out. I know that sounds extreme, but the law states that you have no legal requirement to keep him under your roof and let him know that you will do what you have to in order for him to respect you and your rules.
Another thing is if he is getting physical threaten to call the police, and follow through with it if you have to. He is a man now and needs to act like one.
I know those might not be the best suggestions, but I guess with parenting we can only do what we think is best for them and hope and pray they turn out ok. Take care

[margypops]

Vako is right you have to get tough on your son and lay down some rules ,it could get worse in the next year if you dont , start by sitting down with him and telling how this hurts you ,that you dont like him being rude and disrespectful, if he argues back then you give him the rules, school or not hes out unless he gets his act together.Good Luck you are not alone ...

[RockRose]

goingcrazy,  having three boys myself,  I would say with absolute certainty that your son is on drugs.

When they "change overnight",  that's drugs.  I don't know what you can do with this information other than realize it's true - and what you want to do with it - drug test him,  make clean drug tests a condition of having a car,  etc.,  is up to you.  

Best wishes.  This isn't easy,  that's for sure.

[kjbutcher]

I am going to go one step further and say it is not pot!  being his "friend" and trying to "help" him is not going to work.  this is when you have to get tough!  at this point, we are talking the rest of his life here.  whether he makes it or doesnt. this is actually one of the best times to do this because he wont have too many places to go that wont involve other peoples parents who also will not put up with this stuff.  the older he gets, the more friends he will have that are moving out that he can stay with.  let him know how hard real life is and rules are everywhere...not just in your house.   the pawning issue is bad.  you need to make it very clear that he stole from his own family!  if he doesnt realize that is wrong things will quickly get worse!  you will come home one day and your tv will be gone!  i am saying this from experience.  this sounds just like my brother.  he is now 26, owes my parents over 50000 from bills like his taxes that they paid for him to keep himout of trouble, lawyers, cars that he wrecked, and money that he stole from them.  he is still in the same situation and bullies my sick mother into doing whatever he wants to support his habit.  dont let him keep donig it or it will never end!  put your foot down now!

[goingcrazy9]

Thank you so much for all of your helpful and supportive comments.  It's nice to have somewhere to get help during this difficult time.

[kitten15068]

I have an 18 year-old girl that is out of control also.  She feels like she can tell everyone what to do and treat us however.  I have read up on normal behaviors for that age and they are somewhat normal.  These kids are stuck between adulthood and childhood and not sure where they fit in.  I know that I am personally exhausted trying to cope with my teens and my 18 year-old.  She doesn't want to do chores, clean up her areas, or follow any rules.  She feels that she should be able to do as she pleases with no discipline.  I feel your pain and am clueless on how to help her through this trying time.  I have considered kicking her out so that she can find out what the world is really like.  She will then be forced to get a job and take care of herself.

[frustrated70189]

I found kicking out doesn't work. With my 18 yr old daughter, she just whined and played the victim to enough people to where I look like a monster even through all the abuse her brother who is 5 yrs younger than her and I have had to endure. So basically she's made herself look like she was abused by being kicked out and other people are more than happy to take care of her while glaring at me and saying nasty things about me.

[Lanchic]

My 17 year old son has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me ever since his father left us 4 years ago. He wants nothing to do with his father (other than ask for money). He will verbally bully me and make me feel awful when I tell him “NO” about ANYTHING he wants. After 2 years I started dating again, and we just bought a house together and moved in 2 months ago. My daughter gets along great with my boyfriend; my son has been mean and spiteful to him. My boyfriend tried to get along with my son, but it has not worked. They both do not like each other.

I have found my son doing drugs, growing pot in my home. Sneaking out all hours of the night. He failed 9th grade 3 times and refused to go to school. He was finally expelled for selling drugs in school. He pawns my stuff for money or steals money from people (and lies about it). I have to work and cannot stay home 24 hours a day to watch him.
I have had my son in therapy, put him in rehab, and nothing seems to have worked. I have tried talking to him, helping him any way I can. He refused to take the medication that the therapist prescribed. He blames everyone else for all his problems. He does not care about anyone but himself. He will leave for days roaming between his friends’ homes, the police will not bring him home anymore. When he is home, all he does is complain I will not buy him a car (he just got his permit). He has no GED and cannot find a job (or won’t find a job) that will hire him without a GED.

It hurts me, he forgot mother’s day, my birthday, never showed up for Thanksgiving or for Christmas dinner. On Christmas day he called me on the phone and cussed me out because I left home and locked up the house so he could not get in to get his presents. I will not give him a key because of the stealing.  

When we got home from Christmas dinner with my boyfriend’s family, my son comes home and starts complaining about all the gifts he received (what he had asked for). He just wanted me to just give him money so he can buy what he wants (drugs). He decided he was going to go away again; he and my boyfriend had a huge fight when my son told him to “F- off”. Now today my son calls me at work and tells me he is never coming home because I choose my boyfriend over him and I am a “Shi**y” mother.

My stress levels are through the roof. When my son is gone, it is peaceful in the house. When he is home, it is like walking on egg shells.. anything will set him off. I feel like such a failure as a mother, I don’t know where to turn next. His father is absolutly NO help! I just feel mentally exhausted today.

[Ifyouaregonnnadance]

Sorry that you are having such a hard time.

Please get a counselor for yourself, daughter and boyfriend. Your son will have to move out for your family's mental health and physical safety. Counselors have experience teaching people to manage the complex feelings (for example, guilt, anxiety and inadequacy as a parent) that can result from taking this very necessary step.

Your problem is unfortunately not unique. There are others who have had to do the same. They have made the tough,  unthinkable choice, and have both empathy and compassion for people in ypur shoes. They have been there and are willing to listen.

You have two people living with you, who need peace as much as you do. Accept that your son is going to have to travel a long hard road of his own choosing. It is certainly not what you imagined for your baby, but it is his choice. You may be there at the end to greet him, but you are not going to be dragged down that road with him.

Act now. Call a counselor.