play

  My 4 year old son, Jake, constantly begs me to play with him. I am a stay at home mom and also have a 10 month old. I know there is some jealousy involved with the baby, but Jake was this way before the baby came, too. I set aside some time alone with him every day, at least an hour. I also sit down on the floor and play with both him and my other son a few times throughout the day. The more I give him, the more he wants. Jake understands when I need to clean, cook, or do other work. But the moment I take a breather, he's right there asking repeatedly for me to play with him. I've told him that moms can't play all day long and that sometimes he needs to play by himslef. I've also set him up with something to play with by himself like drawing or blocks, but he won't play for very long. There are times when he does play by himself for long periods, so I know he can do it. But lately he's really been begging and I'm started to just get angry with him (which I obviously don't want). I feel like I'm being consistent and not giving much reinforcement for this behavior (although I know he gets attention by just asking all the time). Any suggestions for dealing with this?  Amanda

[HVM Ph.D. - KDK]

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Dear Amanda,
You seem to be responding in a balanced, reasonable and sensitive way to your son. You are interacting with him in a caring and attentive fashion some of the time; you are setting reasonable limits on the amount of companionship at other times. Four-year-olds are quite social - they often do not particularly like to play alone. At home, of course, you are the logical choice! But it's the real world, and you can't play with your son at every moment he prefers. A major developmental task of a four-year-old is to come to terms with the limits imposed by the 'real world' and to manage the frustration that naturally occurs when wishes are not met (particularly when other people don't act in the way the four-year-old wants them to act). You are helping your son adapt to the limits of the social world - he cannot have his needs met 100% of the time. His upset reaction is natural; it's probably too much to expect that he would accept frustration of his wishes with equanimity. Keeping this in mind may help you to reduce the intensity of your own upset. Also, you can set limits on the manner in which your son voices his disagreement. For example, if his upset is getting in the way, if you will, of other family members, you can instruct him to be in his room while he is upset, thus insulating you and other family members to some extent. By the way, because four-year-olds do relish companionship, are you able to offer your son some opportunities to play with peers, either at a preschool or nursery school program or with age-mates in the neighborhood? This takes some of the 'burden' for companionship off of you and provides social and intellectual stimulation as well.
This information is provided for general medical education purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition.
*Keyword: play, four-year-old