pls help what do i do

[needhelpgirl]

i have a 5 year old and he has been accused of touching another child in the unisex toilets of a school i dont believe he has done this he is body consious of himself and has never done anything like this before but it has gone on his record and we already have problems i am working with the school  about his behaviour so parents will be thinking that he is just a bad boy and he wont get invited to any partys im trying my best i wont to protect all partys in this but feel that evryone is against me and my son what if the girl in question has been abused by someone and is lashing out ive been asked to be patient but its hard when everyone thinks the worst about my boy what do u suggest i do pls

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Thanks for the update.  Yes, I think something is going on with this little girl.  Very sad.  I'm sorry your boy got dragged into it as the little girl sounds to be complicated with her situation.  peace and luck

[needhelpgirl]

thankyou for all your advise. Her mum had made a huge deal out of this she says it was a sexually motivated attack and the mother can't get over what's happened so she's been advised to seek counciling this is for the mother not the child. I feel she is coaching the little girl into being afraid of my son as apparently the little girl is now frightened to come to school of which has only developed on Friday just gone. No incidents have occurred since the mon before when my soon threw a toy that hit the girl the teacher days it was not dilbrate and he's showed much remorse and couldn't apologize enough he knows he shouldn't have thrown the toy but the mother says it was a targeted and dilbrate attack and so on. does she really think my son is a and I quote a sexual preditor he's five for  goodness sake. Oh and more information came to light that the little girl has actually asked another boy in the class a while ago to insert his fingers in the her private of which he did! Do you think this girl could be sexually abused herself? I'm contacting children services again to express my concerns and is it normal that her mother is going so over board with the situation?. Kids argghh i'm so stressed with it all. Xc

[specialmom]

Hi there. thanks for the follow up information.  Honestly, I don't think you need to worry about how others will view you after this incident as it sounds like this little girl has some issues herself and her parents as well.  

What i would do though is talk to the school.  Tell them  your concerns.  Tell them how the little girl tried to get into the bathroom that your son was using.  Tell them that she seems to have some issues and you are afraid that more will happen that might not be your son's fault but due to her and you don't want this.  That they either need to be supervised better or seperated.  

As to behavior issues, I would help your son with alternative ways to handle his emotions.  You mention that he retailiates when something bad happens.  Give him, proactively, other things he can do to handle situations.  That would be a win win---  he is more comfortable talking to you and he handles the situations that get him in trouble more effectively.

Parenting is hard work hon.  I know, I've got two myself that tire me out sometimes.  we do the best we can and you sound like a caring and loving mother.  

Oh, keep play dates coming over for your son----  I think it is important for him at this point.  good luck

[needhelpgirl]

I know who the mother is and have seen her in passing, usually her and her husband are dragging (the child who has made the alligation) home by the arm, the little girl usually kicks up a storm when its home time and doesnt seem to want to leave school i was quite taken back by the level of force used to get her home but i didnt judge i just went about my business, so i dont feel she is a mother i could relate to. I really dont think(hope) my son has never been touched inappropiatly but thats not to say it hasnt happened ie school nursery or even another child. i will certainly be more aware of this from now on. I fel he cant always tell me when someone has upset or hurt him as usually he has retaliated sometimes aggressively and doesnt want to get into trouble, He does have a lot of difficulty with bad bahavious at school and seems to always clash with this particular girl there was an incident when she kicked him in the face and gave him a black eye and so on so its not always one sided but afer all thats happened she continues to play with him and request that she comes to his house or vise versa she did also tell the teacher she was not frightened or upset she was just angry, another mum also said it could have been that he caught her doing such things to herself in the cubicle and has been seen by him and also perhaps caught by others on different occasions and was fearful she may get i trouble and made up a story to get out it. i have seen her mother and father after the incident and they looked at me like muck, at this time my boy was using a disabled toilet at the main enterance where the little girl tried gaining access to knowing full well he was in there her parents didnt put up much of a fight to stop her getting in, so i then interveind and stood in front of the door to protect all involved. i really am at a crossroads and any advice if more can be given would be much appreciated thankyou for your support and future support.

[Sandman2]

   I have a lot of experience with elementary school children both as a teacher and a principal - and I agree with specialmom completely.  There are a lot of questions that need to be answered here and she has pretty well covered them.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Your son is only 5.  Even the worst case scenario of this situation that he really did touch someone would be of concern for his well being as that often happens because a child themself was touched.  Child upon child molestation is a cycle.  But that is worst case scenario that this is what happened.

I'd have some tough questions for this school.  No matter what school it is---  they shouldn't be allowing boys/girls in the bathroom together unsupervised.  In the situation of a 'boys room where there are multiple stalls/urinals---  more than one boy can go in.  But if this is a one toilet bathroom with a door, they were remiss to let kids in there together.  And stories that come out of there are heresay.  I'd be questioning the supervision these teachers are providing and want to know exactly what their policy on this 'unisex' bathroom is.  I'd have a problem if they are letting boys and girls in there together anyway.  Inappropriate!!

Then, if there is an incident--  how do they know about it?  Did someone see it, did the other child report it to the teachers or did they report it to their parent?  When anything happens, these issues are to be kept confidential.  It may be written into his record (but I'd wonder if it really was) but again, this is confidential.  
Do you know the mom of the other child?  I am just wondering if you reached out to her if you could smooth it over.

Now, if there is any chance it really happened, it is imperative that you find out what is going on with your boy.  Was he playing around being silly or was this a true event?  If it was a true event, you need to know how he got the thought in his head and make sure no one has ever touched him.

good luck