potty training my 4 year old

My child is 4.5 years old and will not use the potty.  He has sporadically done it in the past, but will not consistently do it.  He will go in his underwear and not care or tell me.  When the potty is suggested, he throws a fit.  He is a highly intense child who is very active 100% of the time.  We do not know what to do with him.  He is supposed to go to Kindergarten next year, but cannot at this point start preschool because I cannot find one that will take him in diapers.  HELP?????

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The extent to which you should remain patient and await your son's indication that he is ready to master this challenge depends almost entirely on whether there is any pressing need now to push him along. If he can just as readily stay at home until he starts kindergarten next year, you needn't press the issue. In fact, it's best not to press the issue. If kindergarten in Sept. of '08 is the target, you've got plenty of time. If there is a realistic demand that he be toilet trained now, the best approach is to combine reward and, to be frank, coercion. Establish a coveted reward for accomplishment of toilet training, and on a day-to-day basis have his access to a particular enjoyment contingent on using the toilet. Now remember, I'm suggesting this only if the need to get beyond this task is urgent. As an example of what I mean, let's say your son enjoys watching Sesame Street. You can let him know that watching Sesame Street is contingent on his using the toilet. So, in effect, using the potty is his 'ticket' to his favored activity. This is by no means the most suitable thing to do to push children towards accomplishment of toilet training, but I am mindful of wanting to offer you a course you could pursue. Again, though, if it can wait, the slow-and-steady approach is still best.

[Snoozer22]

A related discussion, Starts school in Sept '08 - won't potty train was started.

[iamsympatico]

A related discussion, Toilet Training was started.