problems with a stepchild

[badolph]

I have two children both girls one 16 and the other 4. I just got married and he has three children one boy13, two girls one 11 the other 10. The ten year old is the one giving the most problems, she is wanting to sleep with her dad and go to work with him and when told no she cries and tries any way she can to get her way. She is extremly jealous of the 4yr. in particularlly, to the point where she has hidden toys of hers. She cries when she has to leave her mother and go with her father. She seems to think that her parents will get back together, unfortunatly I feel that her mother just makes thinks worst by saying things to reinforce this behavior and thought process. She also cries when the kids are picked up. The other kids seem to be dealing with things fine. I have noticed that my four year old is picking up some things I am not sure I like such as a smart mouth, and saying she is scared of a kids movie that she has seen a million times. Oh I forgot to mention that as well she claims to be scared alot and worried alot and clingy to her father/mother depending on who is there. I have been told by the other children that she goes to the bathroom with her mother sleeps with her and hangs out in the bathroom when she is in the tub. Also she is over weigh not alot but her mother is and I worry about this. She sends her brownies and candy which she hids and some times says she is not hungry then will eat the junk. I am not sure if it is because she feels a betrail to her mother for enjoying my food or something else. I have heard her mother say "Did you eat?, Well was it good?". I am not sure what to do I worry about the childs well being and her future. I do not have any conversations with the mother and the father and mother have very limited they have a very strained relationship. They have been divorced a long time and I am not the first woman he has had she has been remarried and living with a guy for 5yrs now. This is his 2nd marriage and mine as well. I get along with my x and I am really not understanding how to deal with all of this. I am shocked that his x wife is still telling the children they will be back together. I am not sure if she needs professional help or if there is something that we can do. Please help!!

[specialmom]

Blended families can be so complicated, can't they?  It sounds to me like his youngest daughter is having a tough time transitioning into not being the baby anymore.  I tend to empathize with what a child of divorce must feel like as there life keeps changing.  She was the baby and is the baby when she is with mom.  And it sounds like she certainly acts the part.  Is the 4 year old her half sister?  I would do this kid a major favor and befriend her.  I bet if she were given some special attention, she would respond very posatively.  she also sounds like a kid who could use a friend as she is difficult.  You'll have to let her know what the rules are in your house (no snacks before dinner, no hiding food, finish dinner before snacks, no back talk)----  but do it in a posative, non condemning way.  She is dealing with a lot.  Divorce is hard on adults in the situation let alone the immature emotions of a child.  Kids like to be praised, so find ways to look for the good in her and encourage it.  And I'd see if you can't get her involved in helping with the 4 year old as her "big" sister.  She may like having a special job to help this along.  Good luck and it always helps to put yourself in their shoes.  You're doing the right thing by trying to make your homelife work for everyone including yourself.  You have your hands full and I hope it all works out for you.

[badolph]

I am just wondering how much time she needs! We have family meetings after dinner and this week she was away at her grandparents and we talked to the other kids about things and they all said they think she acts out to get her way and to get that special attention. She had made a comment about her grandma having more pictures of the other kids than her. There was no logical reason nor truth to it but it is the way she feels. Her mother is her best friend and I keep explaning that a mom is just that a mom and can't really be what you need as a friend. Her mom talks to her about her work and her marriage and says they are best friends. I am not sure how to deal with all this. It seems that she has abondonment issues and her mom doesn't help! She did confess she feels like her dad left her and I know that her mom has said things like your daddy left us. When we picked them back up this past weekend the mother cryied as well. I think she makes matters worse! I don't understand why all the crying. I love my kids and when dropped off they or I don't cry I say have a good time and I'll see ya later. I asked was there something we are doing that is wrong or makes her feel bad and she said no she would just miss her mom. I said do you think that it is normal to be 10 and crying like this for your mother and cry and hold on to your dad's leg when he has to go to work. She said no she didn't think it was normal but that she just did it. I think in there home they have a very false idea of what normal is. The mother works 3rd so to them she is always there and she doesn't work many hours, the man she is married to doesn't work at all, and to top it off they live next door to her mother and father who don't work they are retired. She was homeschooling and that was not working out for us. We could tell that they were not really being schooled. The middle child was not taken out of school and so she seems way more well adjusted to a schudule. The oldest the boy is a bit on the lazy side and is way behind in school!! The good news is he is very responsive to learning and I can tell he has adhd, all his school records indicate that as well. After learning all this and seeing that the youngest child is also geting behind in school we ended up in court and she is to have them inrolled in school by the 21st but no news of that yet! I would like to think that every one is thinking of the children first and for most but...? It leaves one to wonder. I have thought many times of calling the mother and trying to talk to her but I am sure she will be unresponsive.

[specialmom]

HI.   Sound like you are trying really hard to do the right thing.  I think at 10, I still wouldn't expect too much out of this little girl.  She sounds immature for her age and her emotional maturity isn't quite there yet.  You could try to rush that but I think it would backfire.  I also think you have to be very careful how you handle things with her mom.  It is so tempting to call and let her know what she is doing and what the result is in her daughter---  but it could make matters worse.  Can your husband communicate with her on how best to handle their daughter?  It's so tricky because people get defensive and bring all of their baggage into it and it can turn nasty.  The schooling situation, you did the right thing.  The court agrees with you and hopefully she will follow through.  It is rough when you have so many kids besides just her----  why does one require so much more work?  But in the end, she may surprise you.  Let her still be Daddy's baby for now, try to give her love and attention when you have time and hang in there.  She will grow up, I promise!!  You are a nice stepmom.