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reasonable expectations 9yr old boy to his 12 yr old boy cousin
Major family drama... HELP. My youngest boy is 9, his brother comes every other weekend he is 10, my daughter is 16. Sister in-laws family moved in around the corner this past year hers are 21 yr old girl, 15 & 13 & 12 yr old boys. The boys, mostly the 12 yr old and my 9 yr son have a lot of conflict. All the boys and inlaws family keep telling us and my son he just point blank needs toughin up. I feel under attack and like I need to fight for my child. My husband is extremely non-confrontational and I have trouble not being confrontational when it comes to my children, I have no problem putting my gloves on. My son is a very nurturing soul. He loves animals and wants to be a vet. He loves helping especially his Grammie to garden or do chores for her. I love how he is so endearing and nurturing he his and don't want this situation to change who he is. His full time family situation is with his sister that is 7.5 yrs older, she in no means physically abuses him. The boy cousins are close in age and have had extreme sibling rivalry including physical for years. They far out weigh him in life experience and age. It is becoming a daily battle and my son is always the odd man out and I am at my witts end. EVERYONE ON THAT SIDE including the mother inlaw that has NEVER spent 1 minute with any of our kids at all alone and really doesn't know them at all truly. It is driving me crazy.
In my normal human assessment of the situation is HELLO he is 9, they are 12-13-15, Who should know better and he doesn't have the live experience they do or the age they have. They all seem to expect him to act tough and respond as the other boys. The sad part is that he idolizes them and so wants to be accepted by them. It breaks my heart. So they all call him, including the adults a tattle tale and go tell Mommy, and I am like am I crazy thinking that their expectations of my 9 year old are ridiculous and impossible. What are some of the documented differences mostly between the 9yr old and 12 yr old. That is where the biggest conflict is. See the 12 yr old suffered being at the butt of his brothers sibling rivalry and seems to be purely enjoy making my son pay for that and putting him under that title. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. Especially since my husband just wants to hide under a rock to not deal with confrontation. He wants it to just go away.
I am not saying that my 9yr old is perfect and does no wrong. I know he does. He does age appropriate wrongs because he is 9 not 15. He is rep-remanded when it is due. But now he is constantly by others too. The whole inlaw family is giving him the talks and the toughin up and so on and so fourth. Now even Grandma no involvement with ours and the others are the chosen ones is piping in. I am loosing it.
I am in desperate need of some real facts to state my points and help my son. I fear he will suffer life long problems from what has been happening. Please help me to help my son? Oh and did I mention I heard all this with my daughter to, she is out of control, you need to this or that.... Well guess what she is a wonderfully successful respectful soon to be 17 yr old. I think I know what I am doing a little. I am just guessing. Help please.....
In my normal human assessment of the situation is HELLO he is 9, they are 12-13-15, Who should know better and he doesn't have the live experience they do or the age they have. They all seem to expect him to act tough and respond as the other boys. The sad part is that he idolizes them and so wants to be accepted by them. It breaks my heart. So they all call him, including the adults a tattle tale and go tell Mommy, and I am like am I crazy thinking that their expectations of my 9 year old are ridiculous and impossible. What are some of the documented differences mostly between the 9yr old and 12 yr old. That is where the biggest conflict is. See the 12 yr old suffered being at the butt of his brothers sibling rivalry and seems to be purely enjoy making my son pay for that and putting him under that title. It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. Especially since my husband just wants to hide under a rock to not deal with confrontation. He wants it to just go away.
I am not saying that my 9yr old is perfect and does no wrong. I know he does. He does age appropriate wrongs because he is 9 not 15. He is rep-remanded when it is due. But now he is constantly by others too. The whole inlaw family is giving him the talks and the toughin up and so on and so fourth. Now even Grandma no involvement with ours and the others are the chosen ones is piping in. I am loosing it.
I am in desperate need of some real facts to state my points and help my son. I fear he will suffer life long problems from what has been happening. Please help me to help my son? Oh and did I mention I heard all this with my daughter to, she is out of control, you need to this or that.... Well guess what she is a wonderfully successful respectful soon to be 17 yr old. I think I know what I am doing a little. I am just guessing. Help please.....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, there is a big difference between 9 and 12 year old kids. Its one reason why most public schools went to K-5 and the teachers were delighted to see the 6th graders go to middle school. I agree with most of what you have said. Trouble is what to do?
You've got 3 boys who many times need a fourth to play. You've got one kid who probably is delighted that he is no longer the youngest around. You've got a son who probably most of the time likes having the guys to play with. In fact, if he survives this, will probably be one of the top athletics in fifth grade.
Well, I would do what the NBA does. In fact, they start playing the finals on Thur. There will be 275 pound men playing against a lot smaller guys. You know what happens if anyone of them throws a basketball at somebody? Its a technical foul!
In short, you need to set playing rules. Your house - your rules. If they can't deal with it, tough. They need to play by those same rules in school. In fact, if what was going on was happening in school, some of them would be in serious trouble.
You might even want to use the upcoming series as a way to start setting some rules. What the rules are and how you figure them out is up to you. Frankly, I would try and get their help. I would make them pretty general, But in games like basketball - normal rules of the game should apply.
Frankly, the bit about toughing up your son is bull. Maybe if he was an adult in the Marines - but to expect that from a 9 year old is nuts (and I have a tremendous amount of experience working with 9 through 14 year olds).
If I can be of more help, please post.
You've got 3 boys who many times need a fourth to play. You've got one kid who probably is delighted that he is no longer the youngest around. You've got a son who probably most of the time likes having the guys to play with. In fact, if he survives this, will probably be one of the top athletics in fifth grade.
Well, I would do what the NBA does. In fact, they start playing the finals on Thur. There will be 275 pound men playing against a lot smaller guys. You know what happens if anyone of them throws a basketball at somebody? Its a technical foul!
In short, you need to set playing rules. Your house - your rules. If they can't deal with it, tough. They need to play by those same rules in school. In fact, if what was going on was happening in school, some of them would be in serious trouble.
You might even want to use the upcoming series as a way to start setting some rules. What the rules are and how you figure them out is up to you. Frankly, I would try and get their help. I would make them pretty general, But in games like basketball - normal rules of the game should apply.
Frankly, the bit about toughing up your son is bull. Maybe if he was an adult in the Marines - but to expect that from a 9 year old is nuts (and I have a tremendous amount of experience working with 9 through 14 year olds).
If I can be of more help, please post.
Yes I have been trying to facilitate as many outside healthy freindships as possible, even as far as leaving the neighborhood entirely for the weekend day as a family to go skating or other fun things to avoid any contact. It just makes it hard when they are right here around the corner. We can't even stay home and enjoy a day and at times when I invite others the cousins, especially the 12 yr old will force his way over.
You hit it right on the nose with the family dynamic between my husbands family. We have been together since junior high so I have seen it all for many years. It breaks my heart the mother has always discounted him but I have removed myself from that portion and told him he is a big boy and if he wants to be treated badly and put up with it, it is his decision. I will step in only when her belittling him is in front of our kids, I am their mother and don't want them to hear her putting down their father. He just does what ever she needs to not have to hear her constant complaining to make it stop. It is very sad because he is really good to her and does everything she needs. I was also raised very differently, mostly by my Nana that was nothing but fair to all 5 of her kids, or 20 of her grandkids, and great-grandkids. My mother as well. My brother married into 4 step kids, and in our family they are family, there is no step about it. I don't understand her mentality.
I am just very worried about the physical parts of it. The 12 yr old weighs 50 pounds more than my son. Physically or mentally he is no match. It is not a fair battle.
You hit it right on the nose with the family dynamic between my husbands family. We have been together since junior high so I have seen it all for many years. It breaks my heart the mother has always discounted him but I have removed myself from that portion and told him he is a big boy and if he wants to be treated badly and put up with it, it is his decision. I will step in only when her belittling him is in front of our kids, I am their mother and don't want them to hear her putting down their father. He just does what ever she needs to not have to hear her constant complaining to make it stop. It is very sad because he is really good to her and does everything she needs. I was also raised very differently, mostly by my Nana that was nothing but fair to all 5 of her kids, or 20 of her grandkids, and great-grandkids. My mother as well. My brother married into 4 step kids, and in our family they are family, there is no step about it. I don't understand her mentality.
I am just very worried about the physical parts of it. The 12 yr old weighs 50 pounds more than my son. Physically or mentally he is no match. It is not a fair battle.
I think the truth is in in the middle. These three boys are very tough rough and tumble kind of boys, and your son is a quiet, sensitive child. I don't think it has to do with age difference - my guess is Vernon was about the exact same as he is now, when he was 9, and could have held his own against a 12 year old at that time. I think it's a difference in personality types, and your husband's family values boys who are rugged and rough and they don't understand or value kids who are sensitive and socially less dominant.
Summer's here. Can you get your son involved with friends of his own - outside his cousins? Some kind of a morning camp thing, or if he has a couple close friends from school make an extra effort to do things with them several times a week?
I think there is a family dynamic where your husband is kind of odd man out, the sister is the more dominant/preferred sibling, and it runs downhill to this generation.
I do understand kids getting into this kind of a social bullying relationship.
It's when the adults, especially Grandma who cheers on the bullies that I think it's time to back away and do fun stuff apart from your husband's family.
Summer's here. Can you get your son involved with friends of his own - outside his cousins? Some kind of a morning camp thing, or if he has a couple close friends from school make an extra effort to do things with them several times a week?
I think there is a family dynamic where your husband is kind of odd man out, the sister is the more dominant/preferred sibling, and it runs downhill to this generation.
I do understand kids getting into this kind of a social bullying relationship.
It's when the adults, especially Grandma who cheers on the bullies that I think it's time to back away and do fun stuff apart from your husband's family.
The older cousins bully 9 yr old Willie mentally and physically. For example last weekend the 12 yr old Vernon had bounced a basketball very hard off the back of his head, leaving red marks and bruising on his neck. My sister inlaw (12yr olds mother was there). My 10 yr old son Nick was there and he is normally the one out of all you can get the truth from. Nick tried to stick up for his brother and ask why he did that and pointed out to him the marks he had left, Vernon laughed and said he wanted to. Once they left Willie had a melt down to me and the boys told me what had happened. I asked why they didn't come let his Mom know and Willie said I didn't want the long talk again from Aunt Kelly. I said what talk, he said the long one where she and everyone tells me to toughin up Willie. He said 1Vernon would of just said it wasn't on purpose and got away with it again. There is always an excuse for the abusive behavior. Vernon seems to purely enjoy not being the youngest anymore and portraying the suffering he did from older brothers on Willie. I have everyone including the kids and the mother-inlaw piping in on how Willie needs to toughin up. A Grandma that is hardly involved with our kids at all, prefers the sisters, has never even spent 5 minutes alone with ours to even know them. Nick too is having issues but will not say anything, only coming every other weekend he wants to be one of the big guys and takes it and isn't there enough to suffer as much as Willie. Too many cooks in the kitchen with a father/husband that hates confrontation and avoids it at all costs. To me it is common sense that the expectations and differences between a 9 to a 12 yr old are huge and socially Willie, nor Nick, should be expected to act like any of the older cousins nor do they have the sibling rivalry life experience the other 3 have. Nick is only here part time and their 16 yr old sister may become irritated with them at times but is way beyond physical or mental abuse of them. They are too far apart for and she knows better. I have way too many cooks in the kitchen. I have even thought of videoing them with out the older ones knowing so I can prove what is actually going on and that it is not always an accident. The sad part is Willie only wants to be accepted by them and will perform tasks Vernon demand like cleaning his boots and stuff like that with Vernons promises that he will let him be a part of something. Willie will hold things in until he has a melt down and a lot of the times Nick will say he heard it or it was true. But when all hits the fan everyone turns and says Willie needs to toughin up and that I am babying him. Lately I have been trying to separate the contact as much as possible, which is extremely hard because that means forcing my son to stay inside in his own neighborhood so I feel like he is being punished for being bullied by his own family.
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