reguarding my 15 year old son and his feelings for his step sister

My step daughter use to came over every other weekend. and my son was living with me. one day i woke up and went into the living room. my step daughter slept on the couch that night before and my son slept in his bed. my step daughter seemed to be pissed at my son so i asked what was going on. she said she didnt want to talk to me about it in front of him. or anyone else. so i took her in my room and she told me the night before she woke up and my son was standign there with his penis in his hand. she yelled at him and he went to his room. so i about flipped out. i went to my son and was so upset , he was in his closet hiding from me.. i made him go live with his father. i thought that i needed to protect mystep daughter at that time. we kept them separated for months after that. gradually ryan started to come over and spend some time with all of us again. my step daughter was ok with this and so was her mom. her mom said as long as her daughter was comfortable with it then it was ok with her. so this happened in 2008. everything was fine for 2 years. they would go  bike riding, skateboarding, walking to store just like sisters and brothers would do. seemed to be fine. no problems at all. well it is 2011 and my son is now 15 and she is 15 and he had asked about moving home. he said he wanted to be with his family again. it is just his dad and him over at the other house. He said his dad dont spend any time with him and he missed being at home. so i went to my husband, my other  son and my step daughter and explained what my son had asked. they all were ok with him coming home. so i went through with the court issues and got custody of him again. now my step daughter is saying seh dont want to come over anymore while he is here cause she is uncomfortable with him. after 2 years of them being ok. bike riding skateboarding and all that.  they were like best friends. but now she is uncomforable. nothing has happen since that last issue in 2008.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

What is your question about this situation? Are you wondering if it's the best idea for him to be with the family again? How sure are you about nothing having occurred since the 2008 episode?

[cherylburns22]

My question is does it seem right that after 2 years of being ok with my son, for her to feel uncomfortable about him again. And i am positive that he has not done anything since then. All he did was show her his private. He never touched her, or said anything to her. He left the room once she yelled at him. She was fine with him all this time. He is currently in counciling but her mother never put her in it. He has been in it for some time now. He is not the same child since he was taken off all his meds. He was once diagnoes bypolar adhd add and all that. once he moved in wiht his father in 2008 we weened him off everything thinking that was making him weird. Well he is better, making good grades and is more respectful. but how can a person be fine for 2 years and act like best friends then all of a sudden she says she just acted that way to try to make it work but it didnt. i dont understand.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's not really a matter of 'right'. It's a matter of her revealing her discomfort and that should be respected. It would likely help her to engage in some therapy to address this.

[cherylburns22]

So, you dont think this is a game she is playing to get attention. I honestly feel like that if she was having an isse she would have shown some signs in2 years. weird after 2 years and he wants to come home now she is acting this way. and also, the thing about it is once he moveshome he wont even be here when she is. she comes over on weekends and thats when he will bevisitin his father. i just think it is attention. i am confused about this. her mother wants  to take some of the visitation away from my husband now because of this.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No, I really do not view this as having to do with a need for attention. The prospect of his returning to the home is a signiifcant development and could well prompt a different reaction from her. Obviously, only she knows what is going on 'in her mind and in her heart', but the reaction strikes me as likely genuine. Hopefully she'll disclose more about how she is viewing the situation. If I were in your shoes I'd try to display an interested, curious approach vs one of skepticism.