separation anxiety and extreme shy behavior

[Sharon]

My 4 yr old is in her 2nd year of preschool, but is having a very difficult time separating from me.  She has to go 3 days a week for 2 hours but every time I try to leave she clings.  She has also dropped out of gymnastics and then tumbling because she won't do anything without me helping her.  She was not a shy baby, this has been for the last 2 years. She started going to play a neighbor's this summer, but if there is any one strange there playing with other children, she won't stay.  She is also petrified of being different, meaning if she has something special on, being a beautiful dress, or halloween costume, she is afraid that she'll attract attention, and freezes.  I am very worried about her going to a new school for Kindergarten next year, which will be a full day class.  I need some suggestions on how to help her out of these fears.  Academically, she is above average, but socially and physically, she is behind.  HELP.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Sharon,

Your daughter's behavior is not unusual for a four-year-old. She's simply at the shy end of the spectrum and will need more gentle pushing and encouragement that many of her peers require.

It's hard to tell from your note, but it's possible that you are unwittingly encouraging the shying away by removing your daughter from experiences and helping her at times when it would be better to refrain from doing so. Do you think this might be true?

Sometimes we think that, simply because our children are clingy or reticent about experiences, we should withdraw them from the experiences or give them help they may not really need. This teaches our children to avoid situations that cause them to be anxious, rather than plodding ahead and overcoming the anxiety by facing the experience. It takes practice, over and over again.
Imagine many of these situations are the same as introducing a child to school. Simply because the child may be shy or worries wouldn't cause us to withdraw the child from school - we would persist. Treat other situations the same way.

If it's practical (in terms of schedule, logistics, finances), it might actually be more helpful to your daughter to give her more time in her pre-school program. She may not be receiving sufficient exposure to it to help her become more comfortable.

[Sharon]

IT IS TRUE THAT I HAVE LET HER OUT OF CERTAIN SITUATIONS, SUCH AS GYMNASTICS AND TUMBLING, BUT IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, ME HELPING HER IS NOT AN OPTION, SHE HAS TO GO IT ALONE.  I DON'T FEEL THAT IT IS IN HER BEST INTEREST, OR THE OTHER CHILDREN IN THE CLASS, AND THE INSTRUCTORS, TO HAVE TO SPEND THE WHOLE CLASS TRYING TO CONSOLE HER AND GETTING HER TO PARTICIPATE.  SHE REALLY WON'T GO IT ALONE.  I HAVE TRIED LEAVING THE ROOM AND FORCING HER, BUT IT SNOWBALLED, AND SHE STARTED HAVING PROBLEMS WITH OTHER AREAS OF HER LIFE,SUCH AS LEAVING HER WITH THE BABYSITTER, WHO SHE HAS BEEN WITH SINCE BIRTH.  I FEEL THAT MAKING HER FACE HER FEARS, ONLY SEEMED TO AMPLIFY THEM.  AS FAR AS MORE TIME IN PRESCHOOL, SHE ATTENDS THE MAXIMUM TIME OF 2 1/2 HOURS, 3 DAYS A WEEK.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR HER TO COME OUT OF HER SHELL, OR SHOULD I KEEP EXPOSING HER TO AS MANY SOCIAL ACTIVITIES AS POSSIBLE, AND BE THERE WITH HER.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Sharon,

Thank you for the additional information.

You're doing some good things. I know it's not always possible to leave a youngster in a situation, partcularly when the adults who are responsible for the children can't realistically devote a lot of time to managing the distress of any particular child. However, when possible by all means continue to allow your daughter to handle such situations without your help. Because the more you are present to relieve the anxiety, the more she will rely on you. You always have to use your judgment about when is the proper time and place to employ the strategy.

Whatever the case, do keep her 'in the mix' and don't encourage her to shrink from social interaction.