seperation anxiety

My grandson has lived with me and my husband, his mother also lived here, she was not much a part of his life,she did her things. my husband and i raised him so this sept. she met a guy and imediately moved in with him with my grandson. my grandsonsays hes scared, doesnt like the guy doesnt want to be there,and when i have visits he screams and cries dont make me go back there, im scared and i dont like it there, he also cries and begs not to go back to the boyfiends house when my grandsons father has him, we feel so helpless in making him go there, he has been so upset he has to vomit, what can i do? would it be best if i tried to get her to let my grandson move back here and doan overnight visit now and then to get him adjusted ? really need some help.
            thank you  sally

[racer26]

my grandsons age is 4, thank you  sally

[happybaby23]

That's a tough situation.  If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter?  Have you met this new boyfriend?  Does your grandson say what he is affraid of?  How does his biological father feel about the situation?  How long did they live with you?  In the time they were there, how much actual time did your daughter spend with your grandson?

It's hard to say what you should do.  My heart goes out to you and your grandson.  Perhaps if you are able to give me more information about the situation I can know a little better what to say.

[racer26]

my daughter is 24, yes i have met the boyfriend and dont care for him, he is controllong, my grandson says they yell at him and he is affraid to be there,his father is now in the picture trying to see him,his father doesnt like this guy either, my daughter has always lived with me, and my grandson since birth,my daughter spent maybe 2 or 3 hours a day with him, that is if she wasnt on the phone or computer,going to a lawyer tomorrow to see what to do.

[RockRose]

racer - I think your fears are VERY well-founded.  Boyfriends of the mother are VERY VERY likely to abuse (and even kill) young boy children of their girlfriends.

He sounds like he's being abused.  Does he specifically say what is going on?

It sounds like the boy's father (or maybe you and your husband) need to go for custody.

Best wishes - this is awful - but it seems like several times a year,  you hear stories about boyfriends beating their girlfriend's boy children to death.  I think your energies would be well-spent getting this child away from them.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I think the post above is rather extreme....many men raise other people's kids as their own and are loving caring parents.  My own dh is not my dd biological father but he is definitely her dad.

A long heated custody fight is not in your grandson's best interests and it will destroy the relationship you have with your daughter.

It is wonderful that you are such kind, caring grandparents.  However, she is the lad's mother and perhaps she will step up to the plate now.  It sounds like you want that role for yourself.  The reality is she is an adult and he is her child.

Your grandson may simply not be adapting well to this change, and who could blame the poor little lad.  I think you should speak with your daughter about your concerns in a loving, gentle manner.  Do not raise the rhetoric or she will get her back up.  Take some time to get to know this new man a little better.

Keep your eyes and ears open.  If you have legitimate cause for concern do the right thing.  

I wish you all well.  I hope you are able to navigate these stormy waters with wisdom and grace.

[RockRose]

Anxious - I'm glad it worked out for you.  And very kind and loving of your husband to raise your daughter with love.

In fact,  this is NOT typical of uncaring mothers who move in with boyfriends they have just met,  and the child demonstrates VERY VERY loudly that he doesn't want to go back there,  he's scared,  and then vomits.

[happybaby23]

I agree with the other poster who said you or you grandson's father needs to sue for custody.

This situation is not in his best interest.  Lets face it, he barely knows his mother.  She was very young when she had him.  Some young mother's go on to do right by their children and others do not.  Does he go to daycare or preschool?  Does your daughter work?  How does she support him?  Who takes care of him all day?  (Sorry with all of the questions again)

My husband isn't the biological father of my first daughter.  I didn't allow him to meet her until we were sure we were going to get married.  We did not live together until after the wedding.  I had my child's interest at heart.  She too is like my daughter's real father.  Not all cases are like this and I know that we are very lucky.

I'm so happy that you are going to a lawyer to find out what your options are.  Try to have your grandson's biological father in on whatever you do.  It can be very difficult to get custody away from a mother (if that is your plan which I hope it is), even if she is demonstrating she is unfit.  No child should be so affraid to go home that he vomits or whatever.  He needs love and security that he is not getting.  

I wish you all the luck with this.  Your grandson is very lucky to have someone like you in his life!