should i tell him he is not the father?

I really dont know what to do and my situation is not similar to any i've read or heard about.
10 month ago i separated from my boyfriend and father of my 2 daughters ( 2 and 3 years old). a few days after the separation i went to see a friend of mine and we slept together. after a month i found out i was pregnant and couldnt know for sure who is the father, even though the dates matched a lot better the friend and not ex boyfriend. i told them both about this, and they both knew there is a chance the chilk could be theirs even though the dates didnt match the dates i slept with my ex.
during my pregnancy i continued seeing my friend, and we became closer. later we even found out about a mistake in counting the weeks of pregnancy which made it even more sure that he is the father. he started loving the idea of it and actually became a much better person, from a person i wouldnt consider having as a partner to a mature and great partner.
this is for him his first child and he is 46 , and now that this child is born he is completely in love with him and me. when we talekd about this we said we would take a DNA test and that either way it wont change much since he loves the child and my daughters and he wouldnt leave. i also know for sure my ex boyfriend is not in a postiion to take care of another child and i wouldnt even want him to.
we took the test and found out that my friend isnt the father , and now that i know i just cant bring myself to tell him. i dont want to break his heart. i dont want his family to feel disappointment after they all were so happy he finally has a child, i dont want him to have to deal with this situation, even though we both knew that this might happen, and i just dont know what to do. i also dont want my ex to know about this and i am really frustrated.

what should i do? i really dont know, i just dont think i can break his heart right now.  i was thinking of maybe telling him after i will be pregnant again , this time with his child. i know what i SHOULD do and what is right. but i just cant. i am feeling almost ashamed from all this situation even though i didnt hide anything until now. but now i just cant take that responsibility of telling him. i love him too much...
maybe i just should wait a bit and let this thought sink better into my system and realize it better...i know that if i dont tell him it might be better, but the child should also know one day i guess, its not fair if they dont know.. what if i tell him but tell him not to tell anyone? would this make things a bit better? i really would want to avoid letting my ex know and really dont know what i, or we will tell the child when he grows up a bit.......

please help. because obviously i cant help myself.

[AnnieBrooke]

First of all, be sure of the test.  Though it comes up that he cannot be the father, does the test on your ex prove he is the father?  In your shoes, I would test again to be sure of this news.

If both tests say the same thing, and given that obviously he knows there was the possibility of the other guy being the father, trying to hide the truth from him will mean essentially that you have to lie to him for the child's whole life, and to the child also, and to  all your family and friends, forever.  That much lying will tear you apart inside.  More important, if he later learns you have lied to him, that one lie would make all future truth in the relationship seem like lies.   Also, if he tells all his friends he is the dad and later learns he is not, he will hate you for letting him go out and tell people.

You just can't hide this from him.  If it helps, say to him that you really do want another child by him, and that you are greatly distressed by this news.  But he is a big boy, and he deserves the truth.

[margypops]

I think you have to tell him you will be living a lie and have to lie to the child , best to tell  him and take the consequences.

[RockRose]

I have  a different opinion.

He already knows there's a good chance this baby isn't his,  and he doesn't care enough to test.  

This isn't a case of a married couple where the woman sneaks off and gets pregnant by some other guy and the dutiful husband has no idea.

He knew what your relationship was when you first started having sex,  he knew he had a 50% chance of being the dad - at most - and he's okay with it.

Just believe him.  He's okay with not knowing.  

BTW,  I don't think the child should know this whole sordid story.  No kid wants to picture mom in bed with two different guys in the same month and no one knows who the dad is until a medical lab comes in and sorts it out.  

[margypops]

Good point ...

[sharone34]

but a lab did get me an answer, I KNOW he isnt the dad... however i must say, that he knows i sent the test , and never even once asked me if i got the results or not, and my ex also didnt ask.

i think what i will do for now is nothing. nobody seems to ask me about this and i think that even if there one "rught" thing to do, right now the right thing will do just bad.

my ex doesnt want this child, and i dont want him to be a part in his for now, for many reasons, my current boyfriend loves this child so much and it will just break his heart and not do any good. and the chile wont know anyway for now either way...

in a few years when this boy grows i might mention to him that there was this issue and can do the test if he wants.

i think for now i will just pretend i didnt get the results  , and IF someone asks mem which i doubt, i will say i didnt get them yet or that one of the swabs samples needs to be taken again. i think at that point my current boyfriend will just prefer to pass the test.  and let things be.

my point is that the situation right now ios perfect for all of us, we are all happy. me my boyfriend and my ex. if i told them it would make it bad for all of us. then why should i? at least for now.

also i must say that my ex is a good dad but i wouldnt want this child to be raised by him in any way.  its enough i have 2 daugthers from him. if i can "buy" this way even a few years of "not knowing"  in which he will be only raised by us, thats alone a very good thing.

what do you think?

[RockRose]

I think I would say I decided I didn't really want to know,  since it doesn't matter,  so I didn't actually send in the sample to the lab.  

The man who isn't the biodad is completely happy to step in,  and the fact that he hasn't asked - sharone,  he doesn't want to know the potential bad news.    I wouldn't ever bring this up with your son,  either.  He certainly doesn't need to know any of this,  it's not relevant to his life.

Best wishes.   I think this is one secret that you just need to bear keeping to yourself,  and not burden anyone else with it because things are going very well as is.   The only one here who is actually deceived is the child,  and since he had no part in any of this he deserves to be able to grow up sheltered from the reality.

[AnnieBrooke]

I gave my answer based on the assumption that both men knew a test had been done and were waiting to hear the results.  But if they know the test went in and have not asked, you could definitely take the tack RockRose has said, and tell your present guy that you decided you didn't really want to know (which is certainly the truth now) because of the risk of it being too disruptive to your happy family.  

If you used one of those drugstore tests, and if you did not have a corresponding test from your ex that came up positive, I would not necessarily trust the results anyway.   As RR suggests, you could either say that you didn't send the test in, or if he knows you did, you could say you tore up the results before you read them because  you feel you are a family now and you didn't want any potential disruption.  If your present guy is fine with that statement, it would not be wrong to let sleeping dogs lie, forever.  "Not knowing the results" is a lesser lie than looking him in the face and telling him he *is* the biological dad (if you believe the test).  It is more fair since it leaves him aware that the question might still be open.  Most important, it honors the fact that you all are a family now, no matter whose sperm created the baby.