Aa
social troubles
What would you do if your3.8 old child is constantly bothering other kids. For example, we go out for breakfast with another couple and their daughter, and my son won´t share his toys; soon after he will start name calling anf being aggressive, but verbally. He will say that he won´t invite her home, that he´s no longer playing with her and in comparison to other kids he seems to have trouble. Other kids at school will get along with no problems, what´s wrong?
Everytime he does this I try to correct him. Tell him that it´s not ok to treat people that way, that he must share, but he just doesn´t stop. He doesn´t listen. This attitude is making him isolated and having little kids getting away from him.
At school I haven´t had a single complaint but at home we´re having anxiety issues and discipline problems. What is an appropiate consequence?
Everytime he does this I try to correct him. Tell him that it´s not ok to treat people that way, that he must share, but he just doesn´t stop. He doesn´t listen. This attitude is making him isolated and having little kids getting away from him.
At school I haven´t had a single complaint but at home we´re having anxiety issues and discipline problems. What is an appropiate consequence?
HAHHAHAHA I live in Mexico, here we use serrano chiles instead of vinegar! I`ll try it. Doesn`t seem as machiavelic as the green chile.
I am so glad that the luncheon went well!!! Your son is making progress and this is excellent. I think I'd just keep up the "practice" at home and he will get the idea more and more.
I think you handled things fine with the shower incident. Not "playing" along is part of your job. Calmly saying no, we are not doing this and taking him out of the situaiton is appropriate. I think hitting is a no no and I'd work on this firmly. Get that book "hands are not for hitting". Talk to him at a calm time about no hitting. It hurts people.
Oh, I'm firm on words and you might not agree with how I nipped it in the bud. Both my sons tried to use inappropriate off limits words ---------- stupid, shut up and worse. I have a 0 tolerance policy on that. I give a warning and tell them the consequence if they say it again. My consequence----- I put a dollop of apple cider vinegar on their tongue--------- tastes yucky and they don't like it. I've done it one time to each boy and all I've said since that time is--------- if I ever hear you say that again, you will get the vinigar. Works. My boys do NOT say any of those words and tell on the tv if they overhear it as the know it is forbidden. I'm very firm on it and have never yelled. But that is just how I handled it. A preschool teacher friend gave me the suggestion. good luck
I think you handled things fine with the shower incident. Not "playing" along is part of your job. Calmly saying no, we are not doing this and taking him out of the situaiton is appropriate. I think hitting is a no no and I'd work on this firmly. Get that book "hands are not for hitting". Talk to him at a calm time about no hitting. It hurts people.
Oh, I'm firm on words and you might not agree with how I nipped it in the bud. Both my sons tried to use inappropriate off limits words ---------- stupid, shut up and worse. I have a 0 tolerance policy on that. I give a warning and tell them the consequence if they say it again. My consequence----- I put a dollop of apple cider vinegar on their tongue--------- tastes yucky and they don't like it. I've done it one time to each boy and all I've said since that time is--------- if I ever hear you say that again, you will get the vinigar. Works. My boys do NOT say any of those words and tell on the tv if they overhear it as the know it is forbidden. I'm very firm on it and have never yelled. But that is just how I handled it. A preschool teacher friend gave me the suggestion. good luck
Better days one step at a time
When things have gone so wrong it´s difficult to step back on track, take control and lead your child. My husband and I talked and we agreed on backing up each other when we´re giving an order to our son. Sometimes I said something and my husband wouldn´t agree. Now we realized that our son needs to see an allied front in both of us.
Yesterday we had a family lunch, it was a great opportunity to teach my son a lesson on sharing. He had taken a new construction toy (which by the way kept him still at the table) and his cousins had taken markers and coloring books. I told him to share some of his construction pieces and that he could exchange them for markers. He did. After 20 minutes or so he got nervous and told me to please get his pieces back. I did. He had already shared. On our way home I praised him for sharing and making an effort, I told him I was proud of him. When possible, I mentioned the situation to another adult who also praised him.
Afterwards we asked him to please lend his blanky to his sister, he did. Normally, that wouldn´t have happened.
Talking about discipline, I was in the shower with him, he wanted to turn the tub on. I had given permission to do so when I left the shower. But sometime in the middle of everything he hit me, I told him that was unnacceptable and that he was no longer allowed to turn the bubbles on. I took him out of the shower, which led to a tantrum (because he didn´t get his way) and to refusing get dressed. After a while I managed to get his pants on and told his father to take him downstairs for breakfast. He sat beautifully at the table and had a nice opportunity to share childhood stories with his dad. That relaxed hin quite a bit.
Afterwards we had a family photo studio which was such a nice opportunity, I think it was a great activity that made us feel as a family.
What do you think on my reaction to his hitting? What would you do if bad words (*******, stupid, ****) are part of your sons vocabulary?
When things have gone so wrong it´s difficult to step back on track, take control and lead your child. My husband and I talked and we agreed on backing up each other when we´re giving an order to our son. Sometimes I said something and my husband wouldn´t agree. Now we realized that our son needs to see an allied front in both of us.
Yesterday we had a family lunch, it was a great opportunity to teach my son a lesson on sharing. He had taken a new construction toy (which by the way kept him still at the table) and his cousins had taken markers and coloring books. I told him to share some of his construction pieces and that he could exchange them for markers. He did. After 20 minutes or so he got nervous and told me to please get his pieces back. I did. He had already shared. On our way home I praised him for sharing and making an effort, I told him I was proud of him. When possible, I mentioned the situation to another adult who also praised him.
Afterwards we asked him to please lend his blanky to his sister, he did. Normally, that wouldn´t have happened.
Talking about discipline, I was in the shower with him, he wanted to turn the tub on. I had given permission to do so when I left the shower. But sometime in the middle of everything he hit me, I told him that was unnacceptable and that he was no longer allowed to turn the bubbles on. I took him out of the shower, which led to a tantrum (because he didn´t get his way) and to refusing get dressed. After a while I managed to get his pants on and told his father to take him downstairs for breakfast. He sat beautifully at the table and had a nice opportunity to share childhood stories with his dad. That relaxed hin quite a bit.
Afterwards we had a family photo studio which was such a nice opportunity, I think it was a great activity that made us feel as a family.
What do you think on my reaction to his hitting? What would you do if bad words (*******, stupid, ****) are part of your sons vocabulary?
I have not been putting all of your posts together and kind of missed that it is not an issue at school at all. Now I remember------- he has a 7 month old sibling. Ya know, I think sharing could have something to do with that. You are using the baby things around the house that used to be HIS on the new baby. He's having to share YOU every day. Etc. I then tone down things in your home if they need to be. No yelling and such of any sort. Make it a only peaceful place.
Big one at home for a boy like yours--------- Give Him Choices!!! You are controling the choices so it is not as if he is getting his own way.
Big one at home for a boy like yours--------- Give Him Choices!!! You are controling the choices so it is not as if he is getting his own way.
Thank you all and yes I agree, things have gotten worse since sister arrival. About what Sandman is saying it could seem pretty normal for him not to share toys at his age, that really isn´t concerning me. What does concern me though is his bullying other kids (including the non sharing situation).
I think that he can´t be one child at school and another at home, maybe he isn´t getting enough attention there. Since he doesn´t hit, he´s just verbal, other kids only get away from him.
Got me thinking about my high standards though.
It´s nice for someone to give me hope, as you´ve mentioned it takes about 21 days. It´s clear to me the problem starts at home, but talking with all of you is really giving me a perspective.
I´m thrilled about looking for the books you reccomend, seems like a great idea.
I will let you know about how things go.
I think that he can´t be one child at school and another at home, maybe he isn´t getting enough attention there. Since he doesn´t hit, he´s just verbal, other kids only get away from him.
Got me thinking about my high standards though.
It´s nice for someone to give me hope, as you´ve mentioned it takes about 21 days. It´s clear to me the problem starts at home, but talking with all of you is really giving me a perspective.
I´m thrilled about looking for the books you reccomend, seems like a great idea.
I will let you know about how things go.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I have read all of your posts, and the one thing that really strikes me is when you said, "At school, I haven´t had a single complaint but at home we´re having anxiety issues and discipline problems. What is an appropriate consequence?"
When it apparently is going ok at school, and not at home. Then home is where is problem is - as you have stated. Either your expectations are a bit high or your discipline procedures don't quite match up to what the school is doing - or both.
For example I noticed that you said you would, "start making a chart with rules and hanging it in his room." It's a nice idea for a middle school child. I doubt that your child can read and its too many things. The standard rule is you pick just one thing and work on that. It will take about 21 days for it to take effect if you consistently work on that one thing.
I would talk with his school so you have an idea of what is appropriate for a child of his age. For example, not sharing toys (when he is kind of shy anyway), with a girl is more usual than unusual.
I agree with the others that the new sister has complicated his life. Think back to maybe 8 or 9 months ago and ask yourself if you were having the same problems with him.
Essentially, while all the advice you have gotten is good. I think you need an overall game plan. I would suggest buying the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. You will find overall strategies to follow that will help. Good Luck.
When it apparently is going ok at school, and not at home. Then home is where is problem is - as you have stated. Either your expectations are a bit high or your discipline procedures don't quite match up to what the school is doing - or both.
For example I noticed that you said you would, "start making a chart with rules and hanging it in his room." It's a nice idea for a middle school child. I doubt that your child can read and its too many things. The standard rule is you pick just one thing and work on that. It will take about 21 days for it to take effect if you consistently work on that one thing.
I would talk with his school so you have an idea of what is appropriate for a child of his age. For example, not sharing toys (when he is kind of shy anyway), with a girl is more usual than unusual.
I agree with the others that the new sister has complicated his life. Think back to maybe 8 or 9 months ago and ask yourself if you were having the same problems with him.
Essentially, while all the advice you have gotten is good. I think you need an overall game plan. I would suggest buying the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. You will find overall strategies to follow that will help. Good Luck.
I never believed in having lots of useless rules at home, but the ones I had I was extremely firm about. What specialmom is saying, and I agree, is "Don't put up with it." Simply do not allow him to misbehave. Nip it in the bud. This takes extra time and attention, but is definitely worth it, and it works.
I have seen mothers tell little tots, again and again, not to do something. They never got off their butts, and eventually threw up their hands. I would tell the child only once that he could not do something. The second time I would pick the little one up and move him away from whatever trouble he was getting into. If he made a move to go back to it, I picked him up and moved him, again, and again. Ultimately he realized he was physically unable to misbehave. I never yelled and I never got mad. They are young and fascinated with the world. There is no reason to be angry.
I have seen mothers tell little tots, again and again, not to do something. They never got off their butts, and eventually threw up their hands. I would tell the child only once that he could not do something. The second time I would pick the little one up and move him away from whatever trouble he was getting into. If he made a move to go back to it, I picked him up and moved him, again, and again. Ultimately he realized he was physically unable to misbehave. I never yelled and I never got mad. They are young and fascinated with the world. There is no reason to be angry.
I would go to the library and start looking for books on friends. A really excellent book is called "Words are not for hurting". We actually own that one as it is easy for kids to get the message. Another in that series is "Hands are not for Hitting". Same simple concept for kids. In moments that you are not with anyone but at home with your son, I'd talk to him about being a good friend and what that means. I'd also play with him at home and MAKE him let you have a turn to pick what you do, take turns going first, take turns winning, etc. Practice it with him as kids kind of live in a bubble at home. I'd also go ahead and practice toy sharing. If he has a toy, tell him that you want that one for a bit. "trade" him for another one. But make him comply and practice it with you.
I would talk to him about how he is to act and set up some ground rules. Hitting is unacceptable and if he hits------ breakfast is over. Tell your friend ahead of time and if he hits . . . follow through. Put your money on the table whether you ate or not and get up and leave----- even if you have to drag him screaming out of there. I promise you this natural consequence will send the message loud and clear that he must control himself.
good luck
I would talk to him about how he is to act and set up some ground rules. Hitting is unacceptable and if he hits------ breakfast is over. Tell your friend ahead of time and if he hits . . . follow through. Put your money on the table whether you ate or not and get up and leave----- even if you have to drag him screaming out of there. I promise you this natural consequence will send the message loud and clear that he must control himself.
good luck
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