son beaten by autistic/aspergers child

i really hope anyone can give us some advice on this .....
last saturday n returning for a day out , our son  put on the new clothed he had been bought and headed out to meet with his friends.
not more than 5 minutes later one of his frends came running to the door shouting for us to come quickly because ours son had just been punched and his nose was broken .
after we secured our son, who was bleeding alot through his nose, we quickly asked who had done such a thing , to be told that it was the boy who aparently had mild aspergers when he was very young but now his parents say its autism.
we went to his house on our way to the hospital to advise his parents who seemes to be shocked and distraught about the attack
at the hospital , without ANY pain relief , our son allowed the doctor to manipulate the bone back to where it should have been , under an intense amount of pain , since the bone was completely proken and pushed across his face .
apparently the boy had walked up to him and asked , " have you been talking about me ? " , and when our son replied "no" , he lurched forward and punched him on his nose , as the child turned to protect his face the boy reeatedly punched his head before runnng away
our son has to go on friday for an assessment before going into surgery next week sometime to have his nose reconstructed, but we are hopeful that there will not be any lasting damage (physical at least) although there will be alot more pain
we returned to the parents house who advised us that they would deal with it and bring the boy over the next day to show him exactly what he had done , with complete agreement on keeping the boys away from eachothers respective areas
after the visit the next day we went to the police to ask them to call to the boys house and shake him up a bit and explain the severity of the situation , the officer advised that if he took a statement, the boy would be arrested and would face the court on the charge of assault ( both boys are 12 years old)
we didnt want that to happen for the boys own sake so the officer called him into the station to give him a severe talking to .   unfortunately this hasnt helped as the boy was spotted by a friend only 2 doors from our house last night ( we assumed he would have been grounded at the very least)
everyone we have talked to think we sould have him charged with assault ( and that was before last night ) but we dont know what to do for the best .
please help , any advice will b greatly appreciated

[Anteros1966]

In my opinion the parents of the other boy seem decent enough having held their word. What about trying to talk to them again? And explain that as a last result, even though you don´t want to you will go to the polite to ensure the safety of your son. As parents I´m sure they will understand your point of view, if not then you should go to the police..... Just be carefull to not escalate the situation by becoming adult enemies as well, that will only ruin any hope of cooperation!

Remember also that these parents probably struggle every day, and are possibly worn out, so give them some room to understand by not pushing it on them, suggest, ask what they think could improve/solve the situation. Dialogue between normal responsible adults is way better than having a situation of total war! They will defend their son by any means just as you would (and are rightfully doing)!

Have the immagination, and respect towards them to see the problem from their point of view. I found that understanding others thoughts will normally put me in pole position in the situation, and that does not mean that I normally back off ;) Just aproaching it in other ways..... "What if we...." workes much better in a tence situation than "You have to...."

Good luck!

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well you certainly sound like a reasonable and compassionate person and I commend that.  It is hard when our child has suffered at the hands of another to keep our cool.  

First, aspergers is actually autism in that it is on the spectrum with autism and is considered high functioning.  Of course, there are degrees to function and what that means.  But he does have autism.  His parents probably have a lot to deal with and this has probably scared them to death for their child's future.  

I agree with the above point of view that I'd go back and talk to the boy's parents and just have a heart to heart.  Let them know that you understand how difficult it must be to handle such issues with their child.  However, you are concerned for the safety of your son.  So what can be worked out?  I am personally curious if they have their son in any behavioral therapy but am not sure how you would ask them that.  You may have to talk to your son as well and give him the RUN if this boy is coming after him talk.  No sense in thinking of it as a bully because asperger kids don't think like other kids.  

I have a friend here who knows a lot about such subjects and I'll see if he has any additional insight or advice for you.  

Again, the above poster gave some good advice.  

Hope your boy's surgery goes alright and he isn't in too much pain.  Goodluck

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree that you are in a lot better shape than some because the parents are being responsible and acknowledging what happened; some parents go into denial and that is when you would need to pull the big guns and have the police "shake them up" and all of that.  Stay civil, you might need their insurance information if it comes to them having coverage for the damage their son caused (in other words, their insurance might pay for your child's surgery).  If it comes down to a lawsuit, you still do that without police, it would be a civil suit for damages (the cost of medical care, please don't go nuts with visions of big damage awards, it almost never happens and takes years, and their policy probably wouldn't cover it anyway).  You might check in with a lawyer and see if there is any reason to file criminal charges, but again there is the issue of ruining the life of a 12-year-old.  Be cautious but advised, I'd say.

[monty729]

thanks for the speedy responses everyone .
Anteros, the parents dont seem to be keeping their word and the child was able to walk half a mile to just beside our house where he was spotted . was it too much for the parents to keep the boy inside for a while as punishment?
having found him to be walking the streets soo close to our son makes us want to reconsider criminal charges!
Specialmom , we have already had this heart to heart with the childs parents and we really do feel for them , but as far as they are concerned , the system has let them down and they seem to have given up on their son as they cant seem to get the help they need . we cant force them to keep trying unfortunately .
Annie, its all different over here regarding insurance , the national health service will fix his nose as best as they can but he might need to go to a private hospital if that doesnt work , we are totally prepared to pay for this for the sake of our son
the point im trying to make over all is that the parents seem very laidback about his behavious but are distraught over what he has done but kinda just expect and accept it as the way he is ,  i dont believe this to be a responsible attitude
we would have been happy enough with the results of seeing his parents and taken it no further , that was until they allowed him out to walk up to our house 3 days after he caused actual bodily harm to our son
we are worried that if we go to court , it could be the start of a downhill slope for the boy and he ended going to young offenders and then prison as he gets older
but what if next time he actually kills someone?   a punch to the nose CAN kill

[Sandman2]

   It sounds like your most concern is for the safety of your son, and not a sense of revenge.  I commend you for that.  You do seem upset that the other boy was allowed close to your house.  Unfortunately, 800 meters is not very far from each other.  Unless you get a restraining order on the child, there is not much that you can do.  You don't unfortunately know what his parents have done (punishment wise), so its pretty hard to judge the effect.  And if a child has Autism, keeping him locked up inside the house is not very effective.  You say the parents seem laid back about his behavior, yet you don't really know what they have done - do you? Remember, this is about your sons safety.   I also wonder if you know much about autism and how it is dealt with.
  So what to do.  Well, more information would be nice.  Something has been going on between the two boys.  A kid just doesn't come walking down the street and pick another boy out at random and start punching them.  Do they both go to the same school?  Kids with Autism can seem very different to other kids, and while your son may not have been making any comments - he may have been hanging around with friends who were.
   Speaking of school.  If they are still in session - this is where you want to start!  Make sure the teachers and headmaster know what happened.  Even if the school is out of session, I would still inform them.  There is an excellent chance that the school is where all of this started, and they need to be informed.  The school should be aware so they can help protect your child and other people.  If the other boy is being teased, the school can also do something to protect him or educate the kids doing the teasing.  
  So the school is where I would start.  If the school will tell you, I would also find out how dangerous they think this child is.  If they have really never had a problem with him,  that's one thing.  If he has hurt other kids on campus, then you might want to actually rethink the assault charges.  Here again, it does come down to getting some more information.  Speaking of which,  I think I would also find some good resources on autism to help your son kind of understand what is going on with the other child.  Hope this helps!

[monty729]

This is Mum, thanks everyone for your comments, they're most helpful and basically you have said everything that has been running through my mind the past few days.  My initial concern and biggest concern is my Son of course, dreading him having an op next week over this but we'll have to be strong and get his wee nose fixed.  He is still in a lot of pain so hoepully it will all be better, physically, soon.  I dont know how this will affect his confidee etc, he was to be doing exams this week and didnt want to go to school because there is a boy in his class that fuelled the Autistic child which led to him intentionally coming to look for my son to hit him.  The Autistic child does not go to our sons school, but was a his primary school of which the last two years were hell.  Sandman2, this boy did used to run down to m son in school and punch him for no reason, I had teachers who seen this, he choked him one other time, and once my son asked to borrow a pencil and th boy pushed him and he fell and hit his head off a table! He was violent towards a few kids then and it eventually ended in me having to take my son to counselling as he told us that he 'didnt want to be here anymore'. His whole personality changed and i felt like he wasnt my son as he was alays so angry.  The lady who couselled him was trained in aspergers/autism and said that my son was the kind of boy that this boy wold be very envious of....lots of friends, outgoing, witty and explained that because of the lack of social skills that these kids have they almost pick on kids who have such skills.  The school at he time did nothing to help unfortunately, and it ended up getting sorted through me talking to the parents, of whom i totally sympathise with and would go as far to say that I would be tempted in helping themget the help they need...but i dont know how much the system helps them with te boy.  They do seem distracted, and i know it must be hard for them to keep on top of him day in, day out.. but I think this was too serious to not have anything done, he could have killed him after all.  Everyone I have spoken with over this automatically say to pes charges, and initially thats not what I wanted, but after seeing the boy out ad about yesterday, it has annoyed me because although they cant keep him in forever (that would be cruel) he at least needs to be grounded for a while.   dont know what else they have done, would begood to speak with them again.

My son has always been aware of the boys condition and is understanding of this.  I have asked my sons friends if there has been anything said to the boy to annoy him, I told them that i needed to know even though my Son did not deserve what happened.  I think there may be a lot of boys have been saying things and we know how rumours spread, so if this is the case, i understand the boy being angry...but still cant comprehend such a vicious attack.  he didnt even give him a chance.  It was the most disturbing thing i have ever seen....my son with his nose caved in on his face and masses of blood... its actually haunting me although i know we can get his wee face back to normal soon.

So i do really appreciate all your comments, there are some things I will look into more.  I really fear for that boys future and my heart goes out to his parents, they prob need as much support as he does right now, but hey need tobe strong and do the right thing by their son as far as making him see just how dangerous this situation was, and could hae been.

[Sandman2]

  Oh boy, almost too much information.  
    Things must be a bit different over there.  If a kid had been bullying my kid for two years and the school allowed it, there would be a major law suit.  Of course, if the child was in special ed, it gets more interesting.
    As an elementary school principal and a middle school vice principal I have dealt with a lot of fights, etc.  Usually, with boys, I could bring them together and talk it out and it was done.  I don't see this happening here.  The added information about the past history doesn't really surprise me, but the searching out of your son (probably because of what someone else said) does bother me.  Based only on what you have said, (and I can't believe I am saying this) this kid is dangerous.  He needs help.  He could go off at any time (apparently).  It just may be that the only way he can get help is to get into the system.  So I would seriously consider pressing charges.  But I have one other idea, see below.
   Another thought, and maybe others can help here, I think the other childs actions are not real typical of aspergers (not a real expert on this), but very typical of an ADHD child.  And it is possible to have both.  And actually an unmedicated ADHD kid can be very dangerous because they have no filters and react without thinking.  
  You said, your son, "didnt want to go to school because there is a boy in his class that fueled the Autistic child which led to him intentionally coming to look for my son to hit him. "   Ok, something is still going on here, and you really need to find out what it is.  The school should also be involved.  If this started in the school, they really are liable.  The other child may be the key to stopping this, or not.  But I certainly would be talking to the school officials.
   The only other idea is to get your kid and the other kid together.  They need to talk (under supervision obviously).  If your child was not way involved, it might work.  If not, to protect him - you may have to consider pressing charges.    ---  You know what, try to get some professional help here.  This thing is over my head.  God speed and good luck!