temper tantrums

[kelly]

Thank you for this forum.  It's nice to have a place to go with difficult questions.  I have a fourteen month old boy who is physically healthy and developmentally on-target.  He is, generally speaking, a very good little boy.  However, he has a terrible temper, which I have heard is not unusual.  He's started slapping at my face, occasionally biting, and screeching when he's angry.  I know these things aren't out of the ordinary for a 14-month-old, but my question pertains to my reaction.  It really pushes my buttons when he does this and, although I am ordinarily calm, I find myself starting to lose my temper with his outbursts.  I know that yelling back isn't effective and I don't believe in slapping him.  I've tried "time out" and it only worked for about two days.  Now it just escalates his behavior.  What kind of discipline works for a child so young?  And how can I learn to better control my reactions?  I adore my little boy and am so scared that I will lose my temper with him.  I already feel terribly guilty for a couple of occasions where I was a little too tough on him.  Thanks for your help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Kelly,

It's quite normal for such a young child to become overwhelmed with frustration, and it's also quite normal for a parent to experience exasperatioin in the face of such behavior. It will be helpful for you to stick with the time out approach in the wake of aggressive behavior. Use his crib or playpen for the time out space. And don't judge the effectiveness by whether he immediately calms down. That really isn't the issue.

As to yourself, you can gain some 'distance' and perspective during the time out, telling yourself to calm down and maintain control. You are correct in thinking that yelling and hitting will not help - those would only be expressions of your own anger. There's no need to become angry. Sometimes we think that anger is an automatic reaction. It isn't. We become angry because we let ourselves become angry. Tell yourself that you're the adult, you can maintain equanimity, even in the face of your child's frustration and anger.

[Pamelina]

Time out can be a very effective form of discipline.  The key is that it can't be "tried" a few times.  It has to be administered consistently--every single time.  A search of the archives of this forum will turn up lots of information on discipline techniques and some suggested reading.  

Also, don't forget that you may need a time out too when you get angry.  Don't be afraid of putting your little guy back in his crib while you sit somewhere else for a few minutes.

Best wishes with your son.

[Kelly to Dr. KDK]

Thank you for your response.  It brought up another question, though.  I used his crib for his time-outs for a while, then I tried the couch just to see if he was old enough to be able to sit there.  I was afraid to use the crib because it's only been a short time since he's been going to bed without a hassle.  I'm afraid of using the crib as a form of discipline because I don't want it to have a negative connotation.  Have you ever seen this be the case or should I not worry about it?  Thanks again!
Kelly

[Cynthia]

Hi Kelly.  Using the crib for a time-out and for going to bed are two different events.  When putting your child in the crib for time-out, you do it quickly.  Put him in the crib and walk away.  When putting the child to bed, you of course are much more loving.  You hold him, lay him down gently, maybe read a story, kiss him good night, say prayers, etc.  The child will know the difference between a time-out and going to bed.  I used this with both my children and it worked great.  

Good luck to you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Kelly,

You needn't worry about your child developing a negative association with the crib. It's an understandable concern, but actually does not occur. It'll be fine.