terrible tantrums

my stepdaughter is 7 yrs old. when her father and i started dating she was 4 going on 5. at that time she didnt do many things on her own, put her coat on, try to get her boots on, ect. things that i think a 5 year old should be able to do or at least help do. she would actually refuse to at least try and then have a huge tantrum if you pushed the subject. i guess mom and dad use to accomodate her every want, but i am not the type of person to listen to that, so she started getting timeouts and alone time.  after a while that didnt work anymore, so we started to take things away, favorite toy, games, movies ect. that seemed to work for us (her dad and i).we havent had any problems in a long time.  her mother still to this day has terrible problems with her tantrums. her mother has tried a reward program with her, a chore list, ect. her mother still doesnt not stick to "her guns" a lot of the time and does not follow through with her consequences. i feel that is her problem, and she needs to deal with it, because she wont listen to my husband or i. The only thing is that she is in school and her tantrums and bad behavior have traveled to school and her daycare program with her. she has actually been in school for 2 weeks so far and has been threatned to be kicked out of her daycare because of tantrums and outbursts.  her tantrums use to be just the "normal" 2 yr old stuff...crying, yelling , kicking at things. now they have esculated, she will lock herself in the bathroom (at school), hide behind things, refuse to come out. she does relatively well accedemically in school, has had minor tantrums, but is very bossy, and tries to be the center of attention all the time. we only have her parttime, and have no problems at school or home when she is here, but her mother is at wits end and has no idea what to do with her. if you have any advice pls let me know.

[margypops]

Did it really matter that she couldnt put on her own coat, if no one had ever shown her how is it her fault.again if her parents had accomodated her how is she to blame, you seem to be very hard on this child , your post is full of how you took things away and full of details of Punishment , how about you focus on the postive aspects of this child, channel her energys into constructive ways ,when you catch her doing something right , Praise her,Her out bursts at school are probabl;y because there is an issue at home ,perhaps her Father should be more involved.

[babygirl6152]

well it does matter because she was just asked to try to help- and she showed outright disobedience.

Lack of following through is probably the problem since you say it only happens with mom. You and dad are consistent.

I would like to talk to you privately and explain what happened with us in this situation. You sound like a great step mom but I would like to share with you how bio moms usually feel about their kiddos in a divorce, and it is perfectly normal for moms to feel this way. Once you understand mom it will be a reason, (not an excuse) that will help you deal emotionally with it all.

feel free to send a note thru here. I know it's hard, and I can tell you care.

[blessedmomof3]

The thing is that you are the step parent, not the parent. It is not your place to discipline, it is her dad and mom's. Why do you care how she acts when she is with her mom?

[babygirl6152]

Discipline for children is because "YOU CARE" usually. If I see my child or step child running to the street and he disobeys when I call him back- I will correct him because I love him.

Step parents maybe correct their children because "they care?" And if step mom cares when she is with the child, she doesn't stop caring when she leaves.
But you are correct that there is nothing she can do to help the mom if she doesn't want the help. I think candy is frustrated and wants help on how they can all work together which is what mature people in this situation should do.

I believed in spanking for my two boys- it was few and far between and it was for outright disobedience. I imagine step mom will not spank because that IS dad's job and it will protect step mom in the long run. My husband- the step dad is my boy's hero. Their dad ran away from home to marry my best friend.  This man stepped in to take care of them when dad abandoned us. HE said he has never spanked my children. His voice shows he means business. Whether we like to believe it or not, a little intimidation factor goes a long way with moms and her boys. Just a tiny bit...... or these children will be running the home by the time they are teens, and intimidating the MOM- I have seen it ladies.... I am an old lady that loves children. I am not a monster because I discipline, I am a loving parent!
Ok start the hate mail...... I have said what I want now you can have the last word. Good luck Candy