this is to clevelandmom

[bip]

My son conner is 4 yrs old and Im having such a hard time with him with his behavorior doesn't listen to me at all he has a very bad temper. He is a very smart boy he's very good in school and as soon he is with me his attitude change. He;s getting worst he will be 5 in a couple of months, Could you give me some advise what I should do? I feel like my patients is running out. I was posting to you cause I read alot of your post and give such good advise.

[bip]

No your not butting in Im glad  I got more advise my patients were running out. Thank you Ill try that to.

[MandaP00]

Not to butt into your conversation, but my daughter was very similar to Conner when she started school.  The teachers told me how good & well mannered she was when she was at school, but the minute I picked her up, it was a total 180!  She would be in a rotten mood & snapped easily at everybody.  I was at my wits end when I finally asked my mother what she thought.  She suggested finding something that my daughter really liked (within reason) & make it available immediately after school.  She suggested that perhaps she had been holding back all of her excess energy while at school so she could behave properly, but when she got home she just didn't know how to unwind.
SO...I set up a painting area in her room.  When she got home, she got a good 30 minutes to herself to paint & we quickly discovered that it did the trick!  She was able to unwind w/o someone constantly bugging her (she has a brother that is 3 years younger) & she did it w/o being in trouble for yelling at us.  Don't know if this might help...but it's worth a shot!
Good luck!

[bip]

Thank you so much.  I just didn't know what I was doing wrong.  Sometimes I feel like Im not doing a good job. He's so different from my first son. Kenny is a angel the day he  was born. He's 10 yrs old .  Sometimes conner drives my older son crazy but they get along most of the time. Conner looks up to kenny all the time so that is good.  thanks again for your help

[Cleveland Mom]

bip, you raise a very good point, all kids have different temperments.  
Kids are born with certain traits i.e. some are easy going, some are high-strung, some are outgoing and some are very introverted.  You can't change who they are so-to-speak nor should you want to.  It is however our job to teach or kids how to behave so they are homes are relatively peaceful and so that they can function to their best ability away from home at school etc.  Its important to recognize that bad behavior is bad behavior no matter what your child's temperment is.  Kids need to learn that there are consequences for all behaviors good and bad.  This is an essential part of the development of character.  Best wishes...

[Cleveland Mom]

Thanks bip.  First of all you need to take charge.  You are the Mommie.  Kids need and want boundries, routines and rules.  These things help them to feel loved, secure and cared for.  We aren't our kid's buddies we're are their parents.  That said, you will need to set up a behavior plan for Conner.

Start off by selecting two problem behaviors that you want to reduce and eventually elimanate i.e. yelling and hitting.  Tell your son that there are some new rules in place.  If you want to start working on reducing yelling and hitting for example, tell him that these behaviors will not longer be tolerated and that he will be given the consequence of a time out when he breaks the rules.  He should be given ONE warning when he breaks the rules.  If he continues place him in times out.  Time out should be in a boring place like a bathroom or utility room.  Get a portable time and set it for 4 minutes.  Time out should be 1 minute for every year old your child is.  When the 4 minutes are up, remind him that he was in time out because he broke the rule of "no yelling" for example.  Tell him that if he yells again, he will go back to time out.  BE CONSISTENT WITH TIME OUTS, CONSISTENCY IS THE KEY!  

I can assure you that this method will work, if you are firm and consistent.  My kids showed remarkable improvement in about 6 days using this method.  Its also very important to praise and reward good behavior.  When Conner is plays nicely, follows directions, is polite, remember to praise him, give him a hug or a pat.  

Ignoring negative behavior is a good technique.  Whining should be ignored, just don't give your son eye contact and tune it out.  However, when the whining turns to screaming or becomes very loud and obnoxious then a time-out is in order.  

I mentioned routines.  It is also very important to have routines in place in your household.  For example kids should have a morning ritual where they get dressed eat breakfast, help with cleanup and a night ritual where they for instance eat dinner, help clean-up, take a bath or wash up brush thier teeth and read a bed time story.  Rotines help kids feel secure and more settled this in turn can reduce some behavior problems.  Each family has to have a routine that suits them, of course.  Routines help kids prepare for school as Conner is getting close to enrolling in Kindergarten.

I like the book SOS: Help for parents by psychologist Lynn Clark.  It is easy to read and gives you very simple techniques that make a big difference.  There are lots of other parenting books out there.  The key is to pick a method and stick to it.  The first week is usually the toughest, when your kids fight the hardest but take heart you will be helping them to develop self-control and emotional maturity things they need to be sucessful at school and in life.  

Best wishes...