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I have 5 children in total, one of which is my stepdaughter. We have had sole custody since she was 5, shes now 16 yrs old. It has definitely been an uphill battle keeping our marriage intact, but we have survived. Just recently our 16 yr old has revealed that she is embarased by her siblings that is why she doesnt have company over, except for the love of her life. Our other children brought this to our attention, we never really noticed it. The only time she wants to spend time as a family is when we're doing something that requires SPENDING. If we're just sitting around playing games or watching a movies she doesnt participate, my husband talked to her about it, and she boldly said to him. " If its not something thats going to benefit me then I dont feel I should have to be involved with it". To me that sounds very selfish, and I find it very difficult to willingly go out of my way to do anything for anybody that has that kind of view. She is a very intelligent girl, and wen she was younger we had to explain to why it wasnt nice to talk about people who didnt excell like she did. Now she finds it funny to post unbecoming pictures of scoolmates whos hair isnt done or dress as well as she does. I have tried to explain to her that this behavior is very unbecoming and even though she is a very pretty girl, her actions make her look very ugly. At this point I dont know what to do.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, I hate to break this to you but . . .   she sure does sound like a sixteen year old!  LOL  Honestly, the not thinking the family is cool or fun to be around is pretty typical for girls/kids of that age.  Some families spruce the basement up into a teen haven to help entice their kids to bring people home.  Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't.  I wouldn't feel like she is dissing the family but doing that seperation thing that is part of that age.  And many a teen girl gets snooty at that age too.  Really, not uncommon.

I think that encouraging her nurture her sweet self is important and it sounds like you are doing this.  You don't need to mention the 'ugly inside' part but just that she has an opportunity in life to make others feel good.  But in truth, my niece in college has funny pics of her friends on facebook that show them not looking gorgeous.  They all laugh at it.  Me?  I don't have facebook and wouldn't want my pic posted anywhere.  But I'm not sure if she is really heartless or just joshing with her friends.  

Many kids also have self perceptions of themselves that are of greatness.  Smartest, most athletic.  None of your other 4 kids do that?  Now making fun of others for not being as smart?  Is she actually insecure due to maybe not having her mom with her much (that can leave odd marks on someone) and trying to overcompensate??  

anyway, what does her dad say??  

This is a notoriously hard age for families and the teenager.  Try not to take it personally and try to stay close to her as best you can so that when she comes back around and appreciates family again, all will be well (like when she is in her mid 20's).  good luck
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134578_tn?1404951303
She really does sound like a teenager.  The only teens I know who aren't that rude about the family are ones with helicopter parents who take them everywhere and involve themselves directly in everything the kid does.  Guess what, that's not the answer, I'm just saying most kids are like this.  Be ready, in your batch of kids, she's just the first to go through this.  So please ride it out as philosophically as you can.   Some kids will cop more attitude than others.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Believe it or not Annie I am that mom, my family teases me all the time calling me soccer mom. I take it as a compliment. I am very much involved in my kids schools, PTA, LSCO. I am the mom that doesnt work so kids are allowed at my home when their parents arent home after school, Im the one dropping of at the movies, mall etc. I do because thats the kind of mom I had and we are the closest. Just trying to acheive what my mom did with me. There may have been a time when I resented her, but I dare not verbalize it and if I did I knew exactly how to say it and keep it respectable.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I was super close to my mom too that was this kind of mom.  Didn't matter when I was 16 though.  I wanted freedom.  It's a typical stage.  Since you've had resentment for her and think you phrased it respectfully or hid it, perhaps she is actually very well aware of it and some of what you see is typical mixed with her own resentment at not growing up with a mother who had the same unconditional love for her that you have for your other kids.  I am just suggesting that this situation might have a few layers to it with the majority of it being teenage years and that you shouldn't take it personal and see it as what most teenage girls do.  peace and luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Ive got the whole basement thing going on, because I have 5 kids. Everyone has their friends over except this one. And youre so right, I have encouraged her to help to those less fortunate wether it be tutoring or giving clothes away that are too small or that she just doesnt wear anymore, she'd rather let that stuff stay in the closet than give it someone less fortunate. The pics that she puts on Fb and twitter are unaware victoms, not friends thats waht makes it so horrible, I knew about the first one and told her that wasnt a nice thing to do. My daughter under her made me aware of the other things she was posting. And yes we have had our share of growing pains with the 2 older ones each one is totally different. My 18 and 23 yr old have their own house and they used to fight like cats and dogs is was horrible. I never thought they would be roomates, they still argue, but they dont hold grudges. This holds a grudge to the point if my grandson is over visiting she'll let the baby stay wet if shes mad at his mom, me prsonally i think thats carrying it too far. As for her mom, shes never been consistant in her parenting, lets just keep it at that and my husband i tell him all of the time youre not her friend, he caves muc too easily not only with her, but with my two girls too. In our family I am mostly the bad guy because Im the 1 home fulltime. Until her 20's Im trying , but I just dont know.
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Avatar_f_tn
I was speaking about my mom and the resentment when I was 16, not my daughter. I apologize if you misunderstood me. lol
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13167_tn?1327197724
Well,  I don't know if her behavior is all that typical for a 16 year old - but rather,  it seems that she's not a completely unusual person.  There are a lot of people who are only in it for themselves and see others as inferior annoyances.

I don't know that you can change her basic personality.  It's likely she'll learn to hide this better as she gets older,  because fewer people will tolerate this and she won't have any friends if she doesn't pretend to be less self-centered.

Some of what she's doing is typical for a 16 year old - they DO seem to be self-centered and unaware of the needs of others - but she verbalizes so well her lack of empathy and caring,  that it goes way beyond the usual clueless teenage behavior.

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