what do I do about my five year old

[YVETTE]

I am a 25 year old single parent of a five year old daughter.
Lately it's been harder to get her cooperate. I work full time and she is left with my aunt whom I live with who takes her to school and pick her up. She has tantrums when she is told to do something like today for example I get a phone call at work from my aunt that she threw a tantrum becuse her face was washed and she didn't want her to wash her face she missed school today because if her tantrum and it is now almost 2 hours later and she is still screaming. that's just ine of the many things that I am facing right now it's getting to the point where I don't know what to do any longer. PleaseHelp like I said this is only one example of her behavior.   THANKS

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Yvette,

It's a bit hard to guide you with any specifics, given the limited information. But it is safe to say that it's par for the course, so to speak, for children to dislike at least some of their parents' dircetions. When we respond to children's noncompliance, it's important to have a calm, systematic way to do this. There is no single way to handle many behaviors. But any good behavior management plan includes clearly stated rules or expectations, clear directions (simply stated), and an equally clear plan of what occurs when directions are followed and what occurs when directions are not followed. When others (like your aunt) care for a child, that person, too, needs to be on the same wavelength as the parent.

As an aside, be sure not to let your daughter's noncompliance alter the usual routine. She should not be permitted to avoid school via her misbehavior.

[JENISE RUSH]

hi,no im not a doctor or counselor.but i have done extensive research on positive parenting and effects on adulthood problems that are directly link to there childhoods.i have taught classes for a while now .{im horrible at typing) i just really care about children and know how hard it is to raise now a days.im 26 and have 4 children .im sorry if ive confused you or someone else i just personally feel its easier to deal with a child behavioarl  problem if i have something i can actually try so i try to give suggestions and reasons for my suggestions and i dont have a computer yet so i stop here everyday on my breaks and i found this site.my heart really went out to these kids and parents so i felt that its really hard to really know the whole pictures of different situations and i want to be sure I feel i have given the best suggestions i can give that why my address is there .again im sorry for the confusion i have decided to stop commenting .i hope you find something that works best for you and your child.

[YVETTE]

Hi thanks Jenise do you have any suggestions on how I could handle my problem? I was only 20 years old when I had her and I don't think that I have done a good job so far in raising her it's really sad for me to discuss this I tried the timeout thing but at first she would punish herself by running off to the room and locking herself in. now if I sit her in the chair she's playing with the walls or her fingers. She cries and throws tantrums for anthing from having to take a bath to her talking first or interrupting a conversation and screaming because nobody is paying attention to her. Recently I talked to her about it and she tells me I'm not a good mother. Finally today I talked with her and it broke my heart to tell her this I was so afraid of the answer she would give me but I asked her if she thought I wasn't a good mother if she would like to go live with her father's sister, maybe she would be happier there she had no response for me, I told her I loved her very much and I didn't want her to go but I just want her to be happy. I don't know what else to do I'm looking into family counseling as well as some parenting classes. Please Help I hope it's not too late I'm open to any and all suggestions I love my daughter very much more than anything in this world and I don't want her to be unhappy.

[michele]

Yvette:  I actually smiled when I read your post because your daughter seems quite bright and full of "personality."  I appreciate the fact that it's hard being a single, working parent.  Be assured that those of us in two-parent homes just get twice as confused when it comes to these situations!  Your daughter needs to learn that some things (like washing her face before school) are not up for discussion.  Nomatter who she lives with (ie, her Aunt) she would still need to wash her face before school!  Everyone in her envoronment needs to set and keep the same reasonable "life" expectations.  If she doesn't agree, oh well, that's life!  She's five now, not two.  If she wants to be a big girl and go to school, possibly dance or any other extracurricular activities that you can afford, she needs to act like a big girl ALL DAY or at least show improvements.  Don't worry, in a few years she'll be pointing out those "stupid, spoiled brats" throwing temper tantrums at the park and asking you "what's wrong with them?"  Good Luck!

[Mary]

So, why did you let her skip school?  That may be the reason why she had her tantrum

[YVETTE]

Hi Mary, In answer to your question NO she started her tantrum before she went to school. My aunt who babysits said she tried to take her but she wouldn't stop crying it was not my daughters decision to miss school I think that's why she had the tantrum for so long. She hates to miss school, so no I do not think that has anything to do with the tantrum at all.

[dorian]

I'm single and I dont have children but I like to read to get all the opinions. And in this case I felt like i had to say something although i lack the experience.  I think in that case some children have to learn the hard way. Perhaps you should send your daughter to schook with a dirty face and crusty eyes and not pull your hairs out for something that is not life threatning. When by the time the other kids are done making fun of her dirty face I'm quite certain she'll be washing her face. It is a cruel way to handle it but maybe the whole incident could have been avoided and a solution to the problem could arise. Do keep follow ups on the teacher to see if this is a only at home problem.  I've read some comments from june about parents dressing children dorky or nerdly which interfeared with the development of social skills due to the mocking of the children but this is not your case. And in my view it could be a solution.  I hope the doctor takes a look at my coment and give an opinion.

[shelly]

My daughter has just turned 7 and is still throwing tantrums, being non-compliant on many issues, sometimes very rude, very active, and at times hard to handle. Her behavior at school and in public is always very good. At home and at some of my family's homes she all of a sudden, sometimes for a reason (such as being told no) or mostly for no reason at all she just "loses it". It is very hard to deal with her when she has problematic behavior on a daily basis. This behavior has been going on since she was three years old. She has been through a lot and I have seeked help for both her and I as to help both of us cope, but unfortunately nothing seems to work. I have tried every possible parenting style and technique, read all of the parenting books, employed 123 magic, the step program, tried being nice, tried being strict, tried time outs, tried being extremely consistent, tried having firm guidlines for behavior, tried charts, tried positive reinforcement, tried ignoring, tried only making issue with the really important issues, I've tried everything !!! I no longer accept advice or suggestions from anyone concerning parenting issues as I have literally gave each method a very reasonable amount of time to work and nothing did. I now am concerned that she has some type of food allergy or possibly a medical or mental condition. I am going to the doctor and she is started counselling again. Best of luck to you and to me. I would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation with their child and whether or not there are any tests to determine if there is something physical going on to cause intermittent (her behavior is very good at times) behavior disorders.

[Mommy Anne]

My friends and my husband and I have found that distraction is one of the only things that works with temper tantrums. The child can be near hysteria, and somebody walking in the room and saying look outside, Santa just went by the window, or more mundane, what is for dinner, seems to work. Trying to get the child to stop screaming, leaping, hitting, etc. is futile. When kids are tired and hungry, even more than one outing a day is too much, they have extremely volatile emotions. My frustrations currently are with procrastination, ie: Please get dressed, come for dinner, seems to never be heard. Safety rules are disobeyed endlessly. I think we have to be the watchdogs a lot longer for kids because they never believe that something could hurt them if they are fine at the moment. Any advice?

[Misty]

Hi Sherri,
  I too have a very hard to handle 6yr old boy. I too have tried everything from ridlin to books. I too have been wondering if he has some sort of medical condition. He seems to have some physical problems has well has the tantrums. My son Jeremy is defient and nothing works.It seems as though the littlest things set him off too as though he were doctor jekal and mr. hyde. School and church he is so good. But at home he is terrible..and thats being nice. I have a total of 4 children varing in age from 16yr boy, 13yr boy, jeremy (he's 6), and a girl that is 1 yr. the older boys have a dif father.
  This behavior with him started at around 3 also. We have a doctor appointment today. Jeremy seems to get sick to his stomach atleast once a week. He'll come home from school and vomit then he's fine. I too was wondering if it maybe allergies. There are times I feel I can not handle him. He yells at me over little stuff and his dad and brothers get very upset as well as myself. But I'm up in arms over this thing. There is alot of possiblities. so hang in there .I'll let you know what my new pedia. finds..this is #3.I've even taken him to a nuerologist..LOL..Misty