what should i do

[kellykins]

I am a 53yr single mom with an 8year old female daughter who is very rebellious towards everyone else. I am the only one she responds to and even then I am always controlling her bad behaviours. When left alone with my boyfirend when he babysits for an 8 hour period, she treats him very disrespetfully. He is a very kind and gentle man who really cares for her but he is getting to end of his patience and it is now affecting our relationship. Some of her behaviors are kicking, yelling, disobediency, disrespect, acting crazy. She even got lost in a shopping mall with him. I have cuddled her all my life and protecting her to the extreme. Sometimes she acts very adult like in wanting to emulate me. For 7 years she has had no interaction with anyone but me. I have been her 24/7 her friend. I cannot begin to guess how to correct her behaviour. In school she has trouble making friends and is basically a loner. I  get angry and want to take all her privileges away from her and I know that some of it may not be right. I catch myself blaming her for the problems that my boyfriend and I have because of this. Please advise the direction I should be taking. Bascially I am very frustrated because I want so much to have a normal life. Please help direct me.

[mommie2]

I would say that the daughters behavior comes from the fact that you have been alone with her for so long and now she is sharing you. She is taking out her anger on your boyfriend because she feels he is the one that invaded her space. If you have been her only friend this is why she is having problems at school. There is nothing wrong with checking to make sure any child is not being molested but we should not jump to conclusions, children act out for many reasons, yes one is becaus eof being treated improperly  but there are many others. In this case I would say the child feels left out and invaded upon. Maybe as though she is losing her mother. A child therapist is a smart idea and spending some alone time with her and maybe a friend of her age would be good. There is nothing wrong with wanting companionship.

[ehoberg]

Obviously there are caring non biological parents or significant others

but in the case where a kid is violently defiant of a person, there's a major hint to be had.  there's something wrong.  It is highly unlikely that kid's problem ISN'T situational.  No kid acts violently in a good situation.  The problem is the situation, I would bet my mortgage on it.

If I had a kid who acted violently with a boyfriend, I would eliminate the boyfriend, no questions.  I wouldn't even have a boyfriend around with kid until I knew it was a commitment.  It screws the kid up.  

[fearfactor]

I KNEW that somebody was going to bring up the "witch hunting" of assuming this kid is being molested by the boyfriend.  That is SO wrong!  Maybe the guy really cares about the kid, have you ever thought of that?  I had a wonderful, caring stepfather who loved me like his own kid yet my selfish, mean grandmother always accused him of molesting me - he never laid so much as a finger on me!  It was her trying to alienate him from myself and my mom.  I agree that we need to pay attention to see if kids are being molested but don't automatically assume they are.  The news would have you think everyone is a molester but it's just not so; in fact, it takes a very unique kind of sick person to do something like that to a child.  There really are caring NON-BIOLOGICAL parents out there.  My bio dad never could be bothered with me; if it hadn't been for my stepdad (G*d rest his soul) I would have had no father at all!

[ehoberg]

Don't leave the 8 year old with the boyfriend.  He's not her father and if a kid has the nerve to act that badly towards a grown up, there is cause to believe, that that grown up is mistreating her.

Pay attention.  

Respect from children comes from respect modeled.  If I am a single mother with a string of boyfriends putting the kid on second footing behind a boyfriend, how respectfully have I treated that kid?  Having a boyfriend in the house with a child who isn't his is not the equivalent of having a sound, in tact family.  

It's a bad situation.  It's a selfish situation and we wonder why the kid is acting out?  Stick a hidden cam and find out why.  No offense, there aren't many 53 year old women who have boyfriends, especially ones with 8 year olds unless the boyfriend has a pathology.  Maybe he's doing something unspeakable to her and she is defending herself the only way she knows how.  

Put her first before your need to have a guy in your life.  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The psychologist (or other pediatric menatl health clinician) will likely be able to answer your need without referral to another person. Most pediatric mental health professionals, regardless of their particular discipline, are prepared to provide you with guidance about behavior management.

[kellykins]

should first seek a child physcolist with further reffereal to a child behavoral speclist? Thank you Dr. Kennedy.

[Kalio1]

I agree with the doctor and think you should seek counselling however I think you need the counselling along with your daughter. It sounds like you have limited her life to just you and also have given her too much control. Some parenting guidance would help and also you can learn ways of using effective discipline. She sounds out of control to me and needs boundaries. Her behavior hurts HER the most. You would both gretly benefit from some professional help I think.
good luck with it.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's understandable that your daughter is having a reaction to your relationships and to the jurisdiction or involvement of others in her life. You sense that you have been overly protective or insulating with her, and you probably have. Unwittingly you have made it difficut for her to adjust to normal, everyday relationships. It would be wise to seek some help via a pediatric mental health professional with whom you can meet periodically (e.g., once every three to four weeks) to offer you some guidance. It will be important for you to support and facilitate your daughter's involvement with others besides you and to support the involvement, even authority, of your boyfriend.