when to hold a child back in school?

[nursemommy]

My 7yr old son is in second grade. He's very smart and is doing pretty well in school but emotionally and socially he's not quite up to his peers' level of maturity. He has always been a little introverted and immature.I spoke with his teacher briefly today, and she said that she thought he could do the third grade level work but thought he would have problems emotionally. My son has a July birthday so won't be 8 till after school is out. I'm scared that if we decide to hold hold him back, that he will feel like a failure or that we don't believe in him. He's very sensitive to things like that. My husband was like that when he was that age and didn't come out of his shell till junior high. I hate the thought of keeping him back because he's not social enough. My husband, on the other hand, wants to hold him back. Has anyone had a situation like this? Any suggestions?

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I think it is better to be the oldest in the class rather than the youngest.  Dear friends of mine fought to have their son held back in grade two.  They knew he wasn't ready for grade 3 and didn't want him pushed through.  They told him that since he was younger than most of the kids in the class, they felt he should do another year in grade 2 so he would be with kids his own age.  He did great.  It made all the differance.  He is now a freshman in university on a full athletic scholarship.

You son will feel more confident in the long run if you don't push him on through.  He only gets one childhood, so don't feel pressured to hurry him when you don't think it is in his best interest.

If you act like repeating the grade is a great idea, he will think so as well.

[tomel]

I dont understand why or how a school would allow a child to be held back if he is making the grades?
What happens if he is held back and still isnt up there socially/emotionally  next yr.?
School is supposed to be for academics. The social emotional needs to be taught at home.

[tmv]

They all develop at different ages emotionally as well as physically. Personally, I feel that holding him back would be more harmful than letting him go on with the kids that he knows and is secure with. He'll be better off catching up emotionally with them where he is comfortable with than a whole new class of kids. Is there any way to have him bring a friend home and play with that is a bit more mature? They sometimes model after others very quickly. My son was a little immature for k,1,and 2 but 3rd grade popped right out of it. Give him some time and encourage him to discuss things, at his level of course.

[waitingwithhope]

I would suggest that holding him back may cause him more harm than good (if you are speaking of holding him back to repeat a grade level). It use to be the way to hold students back, but recent studies have shown that students who are held back, tend to continue to lag behind socially whereas students who are promoted with their peers, do eventually catch up or stay within their curve of development. Each child is unique and will develop at their own pace and boys mature so much slower than girls, physically and emotionally. If he is a gifted student, there are generally tests available even at his grade level that a resource teacher could administer. It is possible that even if he is not gifted but loves a challenge, that his classroom teacher can provide him with activities within his grade level to challenge him. As far as the socialization, I would instead put him in organized sports or clubs that he would enjoy. Ask him if there is something he would like to do. Music also might be another option. It is possible you just have a child who expresses himself differently and is quieter than others, but that is ok too. Everyone has strengths in different areas and their unique personalities should be embraced. I hope this helps (I am a teacher as well as a resource teacher).

[blondie72]

If he is making the grades and you know he CAN do the work I would NOT hold him back - My 8 yr old is in 3rd grade and is still emotionally immature (I think she is anyway) but if she is doing the work I don't see why we need to hold her back.   Good Luck with this.  

[ronni33]

My son is one of the youngest 6th graders in his class at 11 years old. He was just at the cutoff age to allow him to go to kindergarten when he was a month away from turning 5 and he was socially ready so we sent him on.    He has always been academically and socially strong in elementary school - but the start of middle school has been an entirely different story.  I have to say that it was out biggest parenting mistake looking back.

What I didn't realize is that there's a huge gap in maturity for kids who are just turning 11 years old in the 6th grade and other student. There are already kids who are turning 13 in the 6th grade. My son is mature enough for his age - 11 years old and not a minute more. He's very much a little boy still and the pressure of the middle school change was a very huge deal. We're closing in on the last part of the school year but it's taken all this time for him to be comfortable. He's always had friends, but at this grade level, the kids are branching off into groups of the same interests and he feels inferior. He's not as tall as some of the other boys and we know that girls have a growth spurt at this age. I had always considered him tall but when compared to the older 6th graders, he's not. The transition was not pleasant & it took us as parents completely by surprise. He's an only child and has had a very honest, abundantly loving upbringing where we've spent so much energy teaching him to learn confidence and know his strength, but all that went out the window and it's been tough.

Anyway, I know the child you're referring to is still quite young, but that's why I'm posting. Never in the past would I have considered holding a child back who is academically ready, but in retrospect, I sure do wish I had waited a year at least to start him in school. It has come back around and we never expected it.

I have to also say that my son isn't the only child in his grade that had a hard time transitioning to middle school. There are a few other younger 6th graders and while talking to their parents, it seems to be a common theme.
Middle school is a hard enough transition for many kids but when you throw in the 1 year or more difference in age, it can get so much worse.