What happens after diagnosis - how does it improve situation

[cadra]

My son has had attention problems in school since pre-k. Throughout his school years he did not seem to learn anything at school, I had to simultaneously homeschool him after school every day, redo all his assignments that he didn't complete in school, study with him for exams.

It has been very hard for me because it was difficult to keep him focused, and frankly, some things he just never seemed to know how to do. I think I have been in denial all these years telling myself that he was OK and all this would pass and he would outgrow it, but it didn't.

My son has started middle school this year and surely enough, they noticed right away that something is wrong. He doesn't copy his homework right, he doesn't follow up on his assignments-he finds it difficult to complete more complicated tasks, especially writing projects. He is in school but he doesn't seem to retain anything that is taught there.

At this point I am a wreck. It took so much effort and often yelling to push him all these years through school and sometimes I was mean and then I was upset at myself but I didn't want him to repeat any grade so I tried so hard to make things right. I don't think I can continue teaching him at home, it's middle school now and I am not a teacher and all this time I feel like I was forcing him to study, forcing him to do things right, he himself has no desire to study and he has never become better organized. When there is work to be done, what happens is as if he is losing all energy, says he has a headache, tummyache-whatever-anything - he just doesn't want to study or do schoolwork.

I have been trying to do the impossible, doing my job, than being his teacher and then being his mother and trying to work out other things with him ( he is also slow in every day activities at home and I have to constantly try to correct this). My job has suffered a lot because of all this, because my son has become my focus and I stopped to focus on my work. I lost my job last year, it was my fault. I was lucky to find another one soon.

Anyway, this middle school has just had my son evaluated and we are waiting for results and I know they will find something is wrong. I checked some symptoms of dyslexia online and most of them apply and maybe there is something else as well.
I have a few questions:

(1) I just wonder once the diagnosis comes, what is it going to change and will it improve our life?
I know it will make things worse for my son as far as his friends are concerned - I mean , if he gets moved to a special education class now it's not going to get good reviews from his friends - you know how children are and sometimes I heard them talk bad about kids from special education classes. And he wants to hang out with cool guys. So it's not going to be good. Now I think it is my fault, that I should have had him evaluated earlier but when this was proposed to me I got so defensive and I thought-my son-never- he's all right and I will make everything work out. My mistake

(2) Another question is, is diagnosis going to help me in any way? Will I be finally relieved from teaching him at home? I just cannot imagine how he can learn in class, special or not - he just cannot focus in school - at home I have to refocus him every few minutes otherwise he won't finish anything-I can't imagine a teacher being able to do this. His teacher told me that special education or not - he will still have to pass tests - so that means that I would have to continue teaching him, am I correct?

My greatest fear is that if I stop teaching him he will drop out of school..But I am just so exhausted and feel like I cannot continue to teach him and do his homework with him, it's been so many years and I didn't improve anything....

I cannot afford any private tutor.

Sorry for the long post and I hope someone can answer my questions. Thank you

[raquelm]

YOU NEED TO DO SEVERAL THINGS:HAVE YOUR SCHOOL EVALUATE HIM FOR A LEARNING DISABILITY,WHICH YOU ARE ALREADY DOING.AND TAKE HIM TO HIS DOCTOR OR A PSYCHOLOGIST TO BE EVALUATED FOR ADD,THIS CAN CAUSE PROBLEMS WITH FOCUSING AND PAYING ATTENTION

[specialmom]

You knew all along your son was not able to do the work.  You were asked by his teachers to have him evaluated and you chose to become defensive instead of following up on it.  I'm trying to figure out why you are now upset.  Is it because you can't keep this a secret anymore?  All the time you've wasted when he could have been doing things that would have really helped him is a shame.  

I think you have bigger issues to worry about than who his friends are and what they will think of him.  What grade level is he really reading, writing and comprehending at?  I'm guessing you'll be shocked when they test him for that.  Many kids that have learning disabilities, delays, etc, are in the classroom with all of the "cool" kids.  The things they need to learn or stay focased are usually kept confidential.  Aids can be placed in the room and by law, they can't identify to students or parents who they are there for.  They help all kids with a special eye on the child who's IEP required them to be there.  Your son is who he is-----  why you've been hiding this all these years, I don't understand.  It would have been better to keep him back in the early years so he could actually get to the level he was suppose to be at at that time.  

Will it get easier for you?  No.  A diagnosis gives you a plan to work on.  You'll still be involved.  But your secret is out of the bag at that point, so I guess some of the pressure of you doing all the work for him at home will be off.  

I have a neighbor who's son had a similar circumstance as yours.  He is now a senior.  They now realize the mistake they made with him.  He will not be going to college.  They do not know what he will do next year when he is out of highschool.  You should be thinking about your son's future.  

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.  But I like to advocate for kids and am  just not sure why you didn't do this for your child.  Don't get caught up in what it means about you and him-----  just do something about it.  Good luck.

[DIANA_RIVERA]

THERE ARE ALOT OF PARENTS IN THIS WORLD WHO MAKE THE MISTAKE OF BEING IN DENIAL OF THEIR CHILDREN HAVING ANY KINDS OF DISSORDERS, OR ANYTHING BEING WRONG. I DONT UNDERSTAND AS WELL WHY YOU WAITED SOO LONG BUT I WONT JUDGE YOU. AND HONESTLY RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE "KICKING URSELF IN THE ***" FOR NOT DOING SOMETHING AND GETTING HIM THE HELP HE NEEDED SOONER. RIGHT NOW IS THE TIME TO BE UR STRONGEST AND UR MOST SUPPORTIVE. HE MAY HAVE ISSUES WITH HIS SO CALLED FRIENDS BUT THATS NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. AS LONG AS U GIVE HIM ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT AND GUIDENCE HE NEEDS HE WILL OVERCOME ANY NEGETIVITY FROM HIS PEERS. IT WONT GET ANY EASIER HONESTLY , NOW YOU HAVE TO WORK HARDER AT GETTING HIM ALL THE HELP HE NEEDS TO GET HIM TO WHERE HE NEEDS TO BE.
I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT IF YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIM EVEALUATED AND RESEARCHED AND DID ALL U HAD TO DO AT THE FIRST SIGN THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING "WRONG" YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT >>>>>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR CHILD... IN ACTUALITY .. HE JUST LEARNS DIFFERENTLY AND PROCESSES THING DIFFERENTLY AND ITS OUR JOB AS PARENTS TO FIND OUT WHAT WORKS FOR THEM.. GOD BLESS AND I WISH U ALL THE BEST!

[specialmom]

I think my original post sounded too judgemental.  sorry.  The above is right----  just take care of business now and what's already happend is in the past.  Good luck and I think I was having a bad day when I reacted so badly to your story.  We all make mistakes and fear can cause us to stand still when we need to run for help.  Good luck.