I am a 43 yr old female who has been suffering from fibromyalgia and cfs for about 4-5 yrs now. I am pretty sure that continual and traumatic emotional hardship triggered it. Like what you would think of as a nervous breakdown. I graduated college in 2006 with honors, received the honor of most likely to succeed, and was accepted into an excellent grad program. I had already overcome tremendous adversity throughout my childhood and teen years that absolutely took me till my early 30's to really overcome. So, I have a few really great years, my family's quality of life greatly improved, the future looked great for once, and the economic downturn in 2009 tore our finances up. My husband lost his once prosperous business, and I was laid off. Our credit suffered irreparable damage, we lost our home, and were completely displaced to the most depressing place in the middle of nowhere that I could've ever imagined in my life. Knowing I have a 13 yr old son in all of this absolutely crushes me, because I cannot be the mother to him that I know he needs. I cannot bear to continue to see so much suffering, and especially not with him.
I say all that just to preface a little on where I believed my health problems began. I could say much much more, but I obviously won't. What I need to say is that I am being pushed to my absolute limits by this insomnia and chronic fatigue. My son keeps falling through the cracks in the public school system due to what I absolutely believe to be some kind of undiagnosed learning disability, so he's being homeschooled right now, but I cannot do this long-term with my health like it is right now. I want to feel better so bad! My mental sharpness has waned to the point of just fogginess. I almost feel like I've given up on so many dreams. I've been crushed and I continue to be on a daily basis for the reason that I'm exhausted and it's stealing my life from me! I'm so depressed, I would say I would be suicidal, except I know that is just not the way to do things, and my son has kept me going. He is probably the only thing in my life that makes it worth living now, as I have had all my immediate family members pass away, and I have struggled so hard, only to lose so much that I feel all used up, burnt out, and helpless to help myself. I've filed for disability, but it seems there's no real way of really describing this to other people. At the very least, I'm a burden, because I have actually not been able to hold a job, for not being called in to work, for unspecified reasons - nobody has told me what I did wrong. I just faded away. And that's what I feel like I'm doing. I don't want to clean my home anymore, cause it's exhausting and with too much activity, my chronic pain symptoms will kick in, and it's murder. How can a person be happy like this, or have hope for their future??? Right now, it's 8:40 a.m, and I had an hour and a half sleep. That's all! I finally just got out of bed, because sleep just apparently wasn't going to happen. And I have something very stressful to deal with today, I really needed a good night's sleep, and it's not helping my depression at all. As a matter of fact, I'm praying cause I seem to be so incompetent these days, but you know, your responsibilities do not go away. My husband has been supportive in ways, but in a lot of ways, he has contributed to my condition, and continues to pursue certain paths that I am certain are keeping me ill. But, we are broke, in the country, with one car, so I'm stuck at home, and trapped. TRAPPED. That's what I am. And I'm miserable and achingly depressed. I do not want to live like this and I'm desperate. Maybe I'm just needing to get this off my chest, because I'm really suffering right now from exhaustion, and even if I could lay down and nap, my back is aching me so bad, it's a problem too. My moods have become unstable, and I cannot be like that for my son. I determined in my heart when he was born that I would care for him and protect him in ways that I never was. But yet, I find myself unable to provide him with those things he needs. Maybe I just need a caring word, or sharing with someone else that understands. I have to pick and choose which medicines I get each month, due to money, but it looks like today I'll be refilling my trazadone, but I hate taking that stuff. It makes me have weird nightmares sometimes. I don't like the "toxic" feel of it either. But, it does put me to sleep, and that I desperately need. I'm on high doses of effexor and neurontin, which have done wonders for me, and I don't have sleep issues ALL the time like I did at first, but it comes in spells, and it's absolutely miserable. I've been as long as 4 days with no sleep, and it was actually PAINFUL. And what it does to my mind worries me to death. I used to be so capable. Now I can't even focus and I forget common words and names. I could draw a dividing line in my lifeline between who I was, and who I am now. My son will not remember me being the youthful, vibrant woman I once was. He's only 13! How could this happen???? Just thanks for listening. My sorrow is overwhelming and I'm suffering. I'm just seeking comfort from a place I know to go. Thanks :)
You seem to be going through a stressful phase. Try to handle them, everybody goes through those phases. Get a grip over things, if you cannot change a situation the best way out is to change your attitude. Jobs are not hobbies hence will be stressful to an extent, but the means always justifies the end. You seem to be an intelligent person, hence am sure you will cope. Try relaxation techniques like yoga and meditation. Take long walks and prioritize. Follow good sleep hygiene measures like going to bed at the same time, waking up at the same time, avoidance of alcohol, smoking and caffeinated beverages. Good Luck!!
Thank you very much for your reply. I do try to keep a good attitude, for myself and my son. I'm doing the best I understand to under my circumstances. This just has been a lengthy & stressful period of time for me. I have had to learn a new level of strength & perseverance through this ordeal. Thank you for your encouragement. I'm going to press through this to the best of my ability. I have a lot of problems that I know there is nobody who can really help me, but it is a relief to be able to get it off my chest, so it's nice that you acknowledged me with your reply. Maybe you didn't catch this part, but I'm not working due to illness and no transportation. I would rather work and have more control over my life. Working is easier than dealing with the problems that come with not having an income. It's frustrating that I can't at this point. But I'm looking forward to a time hopefully when I can. In the meantime, I'm pouring myself into homeschooling my son & trying to get better. Since I posted this comment, I have actually been better than I have ever since I got sick, about 3-4 yrs ago! I think I had such a bad night that night, that I became extra-determined to gain control over this illness somehow. I don't know how or why that may have helped, but there has to be some kind of explanation for my sudden health boost :) Here's to the hope of a better tomorrow!
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