Care for the caregiver

[lisriv315]

I don't have really have a question that has clear cut answer so I am really searching for a place to vent and speak with people that understand this horrible disease. My estranged husband was diagnosed with liver disease 6 years ago. We have been married for 22 years but I separated from him 6 years ago because of the alcohol abuse. However, after a year he returned to live with us (we have two children, 17 and 21 now) because he does not have family here and does not have a place to go. While we are technically separated, I have cared for him throughout this time. He goes through cycle of abstinence, then drinks a little and it progressively increases then he is a "full-blown drunk" to the point where he can not function. He will not eat, shower, or even leave his room. In the past 6 years he has been hospitalized at least 1x per year due to the alcohol consumption. He was diagnosed with Cirrhosis about 2-3 years ago but never had a biopsy done. According to docs a biopsy is unnecessary because the treatment is the same and his body may not handle the procedure well. The last hospitalization was in August 2014 and he had to be removed from the home in a stretcher because he was non-responsive. He was intubated and remained in hospital for 1 week. He was told by ER doc if he did not stop drinking he would not make it past 2 years. He was diagnosed with portal hypertension over 5 years ago and has had 3 procedures to band the bleeding esophageal varices. Then, after several visits to specialists it appeared his levels improved. As usual, he stopped drinking for several months and is once again off the wagon. He does not want help and will not go to counseling or meetings. I have resigned myself to the fact that he is slowly killing himself but it is so difficult to watch him do it. He was once such a hardworking, doting man! Now, he is a shell. Breaks my heart and at the same time infuriates me. I feel horrible that my children have to watch their father die and I always question whether I made the right choice by letting him stay in the home......truth of the matter is that I do not find it in my heart to abandon him. He was good to me and his children and now he has no one. He doesn't even love himself. I think I would regret it more if I kick him out and he ends up on the streets. I don't know. anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I have never gone on one of these forums although I have read the posts often. Thanks again.

[BigDaddy_59]

Check out Al-Anon too. (http://al-anon.org or Google it)

It is for people living with / dealing with an alcoholic.

This is causing you more stress than you probably realize. I have seen a statistic that states caregivers have a 63% greater mortality rate. You (and your children) are worth much more than a fate such as that :o)

I am an alcoholic myself with cirrhosis (due MOSTLY to Hep C) and have been sober for 21 years.
I also go to Al-Anon and it teaches me that I can find serenity by not letting another alcoholic or ANYONE be in charge of my happiness (I tend to be severely co-dependent too, left to my own best thinking).

I am reading a book right this minute by an alcoholic who also goes to Al-Anon and he likens it to: When you are on an airplane and they give you the safety briefing, they tell you to put YOUR oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else (even your child!), otherwise you both may perish...

There is hope (always). Many alcoholics have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body - I have!!!

Chris

[lisriv315]

Thank you.

[lisriv315]

Thank you. I will follow your advice and post at the other site.

[hepcandme]

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I just can't understand how one could choose alcohol over life

But I am not an expert in addiction or alcoholism

Hector has given you some great advice, talking to others who are going through what you and your children are living every moment, will surely provide you with some solace and hopefully, some coping skills as well.

It is true that we all make our own decisions but it is also true that each day you can wake up and say, who will I be today?

Please find some support for yourself. I can only imagine how agonizing this must be for you.

Most of us here are suffering from liver disease caused by Hep C and we all are trying so hard to fight it and get better. Unless your former husband has that drive and hunger to live, I don't think he will make it

Sending kindness and compassion your way!

[Livelife777]

i am so very sorry that you and your children are having to witness the slow decline of your ex.  It's sad to see someone you once loved and shared a life with succumb to alcoholism.  Addiction can have such a powerful grip that some would rather die then accept help.  I'm hoping that your husband will find the strength to stop.
There are many support groups for partners of alcoholics. It may help you to talk to others that are going thru similar experiences.  Al anon I believe has a support group for children as well as spouses.  Please know that his behavior is not a reflection on you but rather a decision he's made to take the easy way out.  Sadly your family has to pay the price for his mistakes.  I can only hope that you find the support you need to carry on.
Please know venting is good for the soul, and we are here should you need a sounding board.  Please take care of yourself and let us know if we can help you get in anyway.
Sending warm thoughts
.....Kim
.

[HectorSF]

Hi and welcome to the cirrhosis of the liver community.

It seems to me the disease you are speaking about is alcoholism. His liver disease is just one part of the results of his addiction that you mention. Without his alcoholism being addressed first, which is the cause of his liver disease and cirrhosis, his liver disease can't be addressed.

None of us can control another adult's life choices and resulting medical issues for them. As adults, each of us has the choice of how we live. Sadly it is not uncommon for those with a history of decades of addiction to continue their lifestyle despite the known health consequences that can result.

To share your concerns about alcoholism and its personal affects with on family members I would suggest you post your questions in the MedHelp "Alcoholic, Living with an Community" or the "Alcoholism Community" where others dealing with alcoholism may be able to help you with their own experiences with the disease.

Should he decide to stop his drinking and address his cirrhosis and its medical issues we will be happy to assist in helping him in any way we can.

Best of luck to you.
Hector