Fear of molesting once

[autumnsky]

I have a fear that I may of molested my cousin when she would tickle me (I got turned on and would masturbate after). I am really scared I was 13-15 don't know the exact age and I am so frightened that I touched her, I have a  memory too but can't pin point if it is real or not. it is killing me cuz I think if it is real would I be a child molester cuz I was a teen and she was only a small child? I have all these thoughts like having to register as a sex offender. What is normal behavior and deviant criminal behavior? I don't see my doc till Wed :( and I know I have to tell her. My medications are not working. I've gotten physically ill over this and literally it feels like I have something hard on my chest, I feel so sick.

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

Definitely talk to your doc.  Sounds to me like your level of guilt is the problem, not what you may have done.  Your saying that your medications are not working suggests to me that you have come to this same conclusion.

This sort of thinking is often part of OCD, don't mistake symptoms for realities.

tg

[autumnsky]

It feels all too real to me and I know she is going to say it's my OCD coming back. I wish people could know how real it feels and how bad this makes me feel. I am so sick, I have not showered in 3 days and cannot stop crying, when I am not crying I am moping around the house or laying in my bed trying to put the pieces together and it feels too real that the process beings all over again I feel as though if I indeed touched my young cousin, I may as well be dead cuz I can't live with myself to know I did something so horrible.

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

Sorry it is so tough.  The feeling real is what gives the symptoms their power.  If they just felt like symptoms we could laugh them off.

Another thought:  when you are feeling somewhat better and back on track, would it make any sense to gently raise the issue with your cousin,  having first explained that people with OCD often feel very guilty over small things or imagine things that did not really happen?

Frankly I don't know if this is a good idea or not but it might be worth discussing with your therapist.

tg