Lying (after affects of incest/abuse childhood)

I am a survivor of incest (ages 7 to 11) by my brother who was 9 years older. My parents that were disassociated in many ways, though my father had rage issues and my mother would lie to protect herself rather than us kids. And then of course, there was always putting on appearances & pretending all was well. My parents are still unaware of the incest though I did cut ties with my brother over a year ago, after many years of rage and feelings of loss, frustration, abandonment.  My problem at present, though there are many, is the fact that I still lie. When in situations of high stress, I will lie.  With my husband, who is aware of my history, I lie. His anger over the lies has created a whole other level to the "self-protection" mechanism. The angrier he gets, the more I will lie without even thinking. His first two wives were unloyal to him and obviously honesty is important to him.  And the angrier he gets, the more fearful I get, the more I feel myself looking into my father's eyes. I have no contact with my parents to speak of, only a sister for support, so I am in fear of losing him and yet, for the life of me, I don't know how to stop the cycle. I also have problems with 'removing' myself from the situation, being completely apathetic, I guess I'd call it. Under stress, I feel so totally removed from my life, my problems, the yelling, the stress....and how can I not care, like it's not my life happening before me?  I've not sought therapy but in search of an applicable one. As an after note, I've also fought narcotic addiction through the years and parenting has been a true struggle.

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

What you describe are typical reactions to the abuse. The lying and the tuning out (dissociation) are very common defense mechanisms.   Don't blame yourself--do get help.  Probably a combination of individual and couples work.  Find someone with a background in trauma/abuse issues.

You might also read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery and Father Daughter Incest, both really excellent.

Don't delay, don't avoid-get professional help.

tg